A Ballad About Female Genital Mutilation

This is something I started a long time ago, but never got far into until tonight.
*thanks go to CK for the title and 1st half of the chorus*
This is a very special song about female circumcision to the tune of Plain White T's' "Hey There Delilah." Thanks to a CS105 class I cheated my way through in college, I'm quite competent at copying and tailoring html code, so here is an instrumental version of the song (start singing in your head 10 seconds into it):

"Cleaver to My Clit"

The Serengeti was so peaceful, oh so quiet
Buffalo roamed in the place
I called my home and were my diet
Life is tough
So is the meat, I've had enough
My time is up

I'd like to move and
Go to Oprah Winfrey's school
But my father, he says no
It costs too much to buy a mule
Wish I were grown
Then I could strike out on my own
This makes me moan

Oh cleaver to my clit
But they let me keep my tits
Oh it's such misery
To have a clitorectomy
A clitorectomy

And then my tribe says
It is time to be a woman
There's a little extra part
You'll have to part with very soon
Put the dolls down
Spread your legs, get on the ground
It's over now

I fear the butcher
While he tries to comfort me
He says it only hurts a little
But will burn when you go pee
I'll miss it so
Tiny mound of flesh I hardly know
Say it ain't so

Oh cleaver to my clit
But they let me keep my tits
Oh it's such misery
To have a clitorectomy

They chopped it off, and it flew far
Now all that's left is an ugly scar
And a throbbing phantom pain between down there
The blade was dull and smelled like rust
Another man I'll never trust
The sight of one will now cause such a scare
A silent tear rolls down my cheek
And I've decided I need to seek
A place where I can start to become whole
And mend my soul

So now my sexual
Relations are for function
I've no sense of what is pleasurable
Even when they're munching on my cunt
I'll find a good man on my hunt
Who doesn't see me as a machine
To breed his children and to clean
I miss my bean

Oh cleaver to my clit
But they let me keep my tits
Oh it's such misery
To have a clitorectomy
Clitorectomy

Is it wrong to make fun of dead people?

Sadly, I'm a foolish enough sheep to watch MTV's A Double Shot at 15-Minutes-of-Fame, I mean Love. Kandice "Kandi" Hutchinson was rejected on last night's episode by two skanky bisexual broads known as the Ikki Twins. She was a makeup artist whom Tyra Banks would probably refer to as "plus size." Meaning, she had a totally normal body, but looked huge compared to the praying mantis competition. She sobbed in her exit interview, "I have so much to offer. I have a really good heart--it's there--it's so big. Maybe it's a little bit hidden." Well maybe she meant "enlarged" instead of "big." And I can imagine how obscuring GGG tits can be. Vikki and Rikki (apparently "Rikki" comes from the name Erica) have already kicked off all the people of color, so why not go after the fatties? HEY! Are any of you tools or lesbots Jews? You're next!

Kandi died in a car crash October 21st shortly after production on the show wrapped, and MTV edited her scenes to limit how much of her outrageous behavior aired. Why? If she's a crazy bitch, show us just how crazy. What could be in the unaired footage that would change the audience's opinion of a boozy, slutty mess? She must have been lighting orphans on fire and punching pregnant women in the belly. Maybe she was shitting on cars and paying bums to fight each other. Or worse!

Let it be known that I found out she died after I planned to write this. Not that it would have stopped me from posting. And I did get the whole burning orphans thing out of it. . . so thanks, Kandi?

Crotchfruit

I ran into an old friend today. By "old" I don't mean aged and rickety, just that I've known her for a while. Actually she could totally use some botox and a little plumping, but the point is that she told me she was "expecting." Expecting what? I had no idea what she was talking about. Maybe it's because she's always been a lil' thick and had cankles, so I couldn't tell she was four months pregnant. After an awkward pause and a realization on my part, I tried to figure out what to say. "Um, congrats on accomplishing what thousands of unwed teenage badgirls do every year?" Or maybe, "Ooooh, I'm sorry. Will you be going to a doctor to take care of it or the good old-fashioned method of throwing yourself down the stairs? I myself am a traditionalist." Then she felt the need to tell me that it happened on their first try. Thanks. I really needed to know that, Fertile Myrtle. I said, "you know what that makes me think of? Your vagina. You know what I hate thinking about. . . your. . . vagina." I think I ruined her day. Anyway, she's expecting twatvomit in May. I'm expecting her to scream, cry, and shit the bed.

Leave Them Street 'Mones Alone

David Cook looks like a female-to-male transexual in the worst way possible.
Glued pubes on the face do not a man make.

BWNHI

My coworker is my favorite kind of person. A sassy black woman. Let's call her Shawnda. If you want something done, there's nothing like a black woman NOT HAVING IT. Is your Starbucks order taking too long? Get you a BWNHI. Does it look like that asshole over there is talking shit about you? (doesn't matter if he is or not) BWNHI. Is that cop giving you a speeding ticket? Well, let it go, because BWNHI might get you arrested. We discuss this all the time. We decided that black people and Jews have a special bond because we learn about persecution at such a young age. We were at a work dinner last night when someone (whitewhitewhite) told Shawnda that Atlanta was "like Hollywood for the blacks." We just looked at each other like "is this bitch for real?" There are just some things you can't say. I think I'll go tell Shawnda "I love your people!"

Breathing Finger Cozy

Let's consider someone like Paris Hilton for a moment, hmm? She's ugly. Don't get me wrong, I like her, and I think she's much smarter than she lets on. But daymn. She's crazy wealthy and has surely had access to cosmetic surgeries her whole life. I'm sure she's had plenty, and THAT is how she ends up? Her eyes alone look like a fucking Picasso.

She is to' the fuck up and seven kinds of busted. Which begs the question--what must she have looked like before any procedures? I'll tell you: Sloth from The Goonies--with a bad weave.

What Would Yolanda Saldivar Do?

I have this kooky aunt who is an OB/GYN, and she visits town every so often. She was here Sunday and Monday. She likes to talk. A LOT. And about nasty things. She has no information filter. We were chatting [aka she was chatting, I was listening] last night, and she treated me to some tidbits about her body. She told me that when she runs, it basically feels like her asshole is falling out through her vag. Cut to me wide-eyed trying not to laugh. She goes on to say that it's worse than in the past, because she used to be able to manage it with KEGEL exercises. That's when I cracked up laughing. I immediately apologized. I was just thinking about how my aunt is actually sitting here practically telling me that her vagina is so flobbety that other organs are falling out through it. And then I thought, "if this can happen to my aunt, imagine what a really promiscous woman might feel." I hypothesize that one day Paris Hilton might turn inside out via her pusspuss. And If I ever started a blog, this would be the first entry.

So it begins.

p.s. for biology fans out there, here are some excerpts from the wikipedia entries for rectocele and cystocele (what Aunty TMI told me about):

A cystocele (SIS-tuh-seal) is a medical condition that occurs when the tough fibrous wall between a woman's bladder and her vagina (the pubocervical fascia) is torn by childbirth, allowing the bladder to herniate into the vaginaA cystocele is mild (grade 1) when the bladder droops only a short way into the vagina. With more severe (grade 2) cystocele, the bladder sinks far enough to reach the opening of the vagina. The most advanced (grade 3) cystocele occurs when the bladder bulges out through the opening of the vagina.A doctor may be able to diagnose a grade 2 or 3 cystocele from a description of symptoms and from physical examination of the vagina because the fallen part of the bladder will be visible.

MY AUNT WAS KIND ENOUGH TO MAKE SURE I KNEW THAT SHE HAS BEEN UPGRADED FROM GRADE 1 TO GRADE 2. Grade 3 is when I claw my eyes out and shove knitting needles in my ears.

AAAAAAAAAAAAND:A rectocele results from a tear in the rectovaginal septum (which is normally a tough fibrous sheet like divider between the rectum and vagina). Rectal tissue bulges through this tear, into the vagina, as a herniaMild cases may simply produce a sense of pressure or protrusion within the vagina, and the occasional feeling that the rectum has not been completely emptied after a bowel movement. Moderate cases may involve difficulty passing stool (because the attempt to evacuate pushes the stool into the rectocele instead of out through the anus), discomfort or pain during evacuation or intercourse, constipation, and a general sensation that something is "falling down" or "falling out" within the pelvis. Severe cases may cause vaginal bleeding, intermittent fecal incontinence, or even the prolapse of the bulge through the mouth of the vagina, or rectal prolapse through the anus.