Oh Sheesh, Ya'll; 'Twas A Dream

I had a dream last night that I had a very good elderly friend who was wealthy. In my dream he had the physical appearance of John Waters. He was dying, and he told me that his last wish was to become. . . intimate with me. I agreed seeing as he was dying and all. In the middle of it, he let me know that he was putting me in his will. Cha-ching!

Keep Your Bosom To Yourself

This bitch the other night was just walking around with her titty out breastfeeding. I don't like that. It's one thing to hide that shit under a blanket, but fuck you and your feminism, we don't need to see your swollen teat. Go ahead and feed your little twat vomit in public, but cover it up

Of Course

My friend Brady always manages to find the nastiest stuff on the Internet there is. He searched for "moogle" images. They are these cute little creatures in the Final Fantasy franchise. So of course he happened across this picture:

Brady: wtf. how is this in the google image search for moogles?
me: only you
me: just leave it to you to find that shit
Brady: lol
Brady: so
Brady: I'm confused what is going on in that picture
me: i don't really want to enlarge it
Brady: lol
Brady: DAMN
Brady: who is getting boned thinking about moogles?
me: you
Brady: there are WAAAAAAY to many moogle penises on google images
me: ooooooh
Brady: : and there is one spreading its asscheeks
me: he has his little antenna thing in toad's ass
me: lol
Brady: : OOOOOOHHHHHHH
me: you sick fuck
me: like an anal bead
Brady: : HA
me: a singular anal bead

Yikes

I've been sitting on this one for a while. It's just that gross. I won't go into detail on how I came to experience the following situation, but it was totally kosher. Trust me. It was not at all my doing, and it couldn't be avoided. On to the nose-rape.

I experienced the most foul scent known to man-kind. It smelled like human shit, mold, garbage, rotting flesh, and manure all at once. "What was it" you ask? It was the stench of a tampon stewing inside a woman who had forgotten it was there for almost one month. First of all, that's dangerous and can lead to toxic shock syndrome and death. Secondly, HOW THE FUCK DO YOU NOT NOTICE THE SMELL? I guess people really can get used to anything. It literally stung my eyes and made me gag. It smelled of brimstone and fish. It was like her vagina was the Hellmouth, only the demons entered it instead of escaping.

Smize Fail

Brady: is that you?
me: yes, that's me in the tranny picture. in my final boss form
Brady: It doesn't look like you
Brady: It doesn't look bad. You photograph differently. Tyra would like it. You have different looks

Um, What?

I saw this little bastard chilling all dead on the sidewalk in front of a chiropractic clinic by where I work. At first I thought it was a scorpion. I was a little freaked out, but it was obviously dead, so I looked a little closer. It was clearly not a scorpion, but a LOBSTER. A baby motherfucking lobster. What the fuck? I'm dying to know how a tiny, three-inch lobster wound up dead on the sidewalk in front of a chiropractor's business. Can you even buy them that small? Maybe at a pet store? Do pet stores sell lobsters? There's a story there, and I have half a mind to call them up and ask about it. So many questions.