Mia: Jewess, Wordsmith, Comedienne

"Oh you got a ouchfit?"

This morning I was tasked with writing a report for some events I worked at over a month ago.  I don't remember any of those details!  What time was set-up?  Who was there?  How long?  Any costs?  What did we display?  How was it displayed? What did we hand out?  How many people did we talk to?   On the trill?  That is trippin because I don't know that shit.  I just had to estimate.  When I relayed this to my friend Mia, her response was this:

Here is your summary "Lots of sluts stopped by our booth to get free condoms and pregnancy kits, they supplied their own wire hangers if the pregnancy tests came out badly. It took place on a thursday, it took three hot seconds to set up (i just threw some pills on the table and screamed FREE PUSSY PROTECTION). I was there for an excruciating hour and I set it on fire at the end so I wouldn't have to pack anything up. Three horny co-eds stopped by and they suggested that next year we do free abortions at the fair! I think It's a great idea!"

1 to 10, how much do you love me?
 
How mazongballs is that?  I had to go to the bathroom and laugh because I was starting to make a scene.  Oh yeah, I'm making MAZONG happen.  At least for Mia and me.  It was a typo once, but we've been rolling with it.  Now at least the word predictor in the typing program of my phone knows it.  Just like it knows that when I write "pancake," the next words are most likely going to be "makeup gift certificate" #Starrbooty.  Am I allowed to just hashtag something like that?  Too bad.  I'm forcing it upon your eyes.  Ocular rape.

No She Didn't

Dumbledore sho did read Voldemort to filth

Textual Intercourse

The brand is half the battle.  But you'll never get Blanche's secrets from me.   Better chance of tricking me out of my bag of Jew gold

Blanche D'Almonds, of the Manhattan D'Almonds, was giving me tips on how to make the perfect matzo balls.  And if anyone knows balls, it's her.  Like most things that happen to me, this ends up being funny.  And a little racist.

me:  got damn I love that shit.  never made it though

blanche:  i really do too. really? so easy but there are a few tricks naturally.

blanche: Jews love tricks.

blanche:  but i don't have to tell you.

me: that was fantastic

blanche:  faggots love stunts

blanche:  so i would stay on your good side.

blanche:  I don't need some tricky stunt.

me:  Tricky Jewfaggot stunts

me:  I'm full of them

blanche:  Lord

blanche:  No

blanche:  I'll be nice

Textual Intercourse

Blanche: good old American gay sex

me: America: apple pie and buttsex

Blanche: yes child

----
me: you could be a rapper with all that cash

me: you could be a farmer in those clothes

Blanche: I am a farmer

me: Ass farmer

me: bc your ass gets plowed!

Most Hungry Power Bottom Tranny Award

Phew.  What a great weekend.  I got the chance to finally meet my podcast cohost Travis in the flesh.  I trained up to Chicago Saturday morning, and true to form, there were several cute guys on my train.  The problem is that so many of them are metrosexual, and I can’t figure out what they are.  Which shouldn’t matter, but for some reason it is important to my fantasies of fucking them in the bathroom. 

exhibit A

I’m not going to go into great detail here because we cover pretty much everything in a special in-person recording of One and a Half F*gs that we did earlier today.  Suffice it to say, it was the most TRANTASTIC 24-hour period of my life.  Sasha Colby still reigns as best female impersonator and performer.  Period.  Here’s something we failed to mention on the recording:  The group in front of us was all bridal group, and the bride came over to greet them.  She air kissed every last one of those sluts on each cheek.  After three times, I asked Travis if this bitch was going to do that to everyone.  She sure did.  It took a good five minutes.  Then as we were walking in, a girl in front of my pointed to Sasha’s picture and said “I would be her.  I would be it.”  After you listen to the show you will know that I get righteously pissed off when people pull that kind of stunt.    I immediately put on a judgy face with a disgusted sneer and a MAD stink eye.  Bitch must have felt the daggers of pure white hate penetrating her thick skull, because she turned around and got a full dose to her FACE.  I SHAMED that bitch.  Then I said to Travis loudly, “fuck that bitch, I can see her extensions anyway.”  What?  I could.  She had messy Britney Spears style crap extensions.

So here are some highlights:

These amazing paintings are available at the comics store in Boystown.   

I really wanted to just snatch all of them up, but I got the three that I deemed best:

"YOU TAKE MY BREATH AWAY"

"DO RIGHT AND KILL EVERYTHING" is my new mantra

"THAT'S RIGHT. I'M DOING ME."

At the bars, I wasn’t getting enough attention to soothe my fragile ego, so I texted Brady.  His advice was “slut up your outfit. Show a little sniz.”  Ha, that wasn’t really an option.  So although I wasn’t getting eyefucked to satisfaction, I signed into Snizdr.  It started off slowly, but I ended up getting plenty of flattering there.  Then this morning we conducted a little experiment.  I posted a Craigsniz ad with a shirtless picture of myself, including my FACE.  Don't go looking for it, I already snatched it down.  But I got plenty of responses, and hot DAMN, some of them make me want to move.  There was one guy in particular.  It's funny though, I realized that he also wrote to me on Snizdr, where he claimed he was 23.  On Craigsniz, he claimed 27.   Which probably means he's around 33.  Faggot math is a little tricky.  Anyway.... he was short, pale, and Jewy.  That is my holy trinity of sniz.

More randoms:

Evidence of Travis' fancy eating habits

BAM. Too bad it was the same time as the show we went to.

This chawld had the nerve to tag in daylight along a bus route.

Platform wedges, regardless of material, are never acceptable.

Patrons of the 3:00 a.m. redline train.

I would have proposed had he been in my car on the train back to town.

Textual Intercourse

me: some wig store in Chicago was broken into and 70 to 90 k of extensions were stolen

me:  You do that?

blanche: You are the second fag to axe me that :)

me: HA

blanche:  I have an alibi

me:  You were douching right?

blanche:  I wasn't stealing I was mopping.

blanche:  I was trimming the hair on my balls.

Wanna Hear Some Poetry?

Then Mia prompted me to come up with a poem for her.  I was like, WTF, nothing rhymes with your real name.  I decided to switch it up and write a haiku.  Here it be:

Tacos, abortions,

Puppies , and  jizz.  These are what

Come from Mia’s sniz.

Wanna Hear Some Poetry?

I guess this will be my standing post title for poetry from now on.  Whatevs, I'm lazy.  This one won't make much sense, but I'd like to share it.  Mia squirted it out in about 2.5 seconds, and I was so honored.  My only note was that "guy" should be changed to "fag."  Feece was an old boss of mine who would drop the narstiest deuces at work.  It would somehow stink up the bathroom for hours.  Ugh.  I shudder at the mere thought of it.

The once was a guy named Dan,
Who had shitz at work that ran,
He loved shitting in peace,
Except not after Feece,
Because she really stank up the can

Wanna Hear Some Poetry?

There once was a man from Bandoo. Who fell asleep in a canoe. He dreamed of Venus and played with his penis and woke up with a hand full of goo!

I'm staying home today :(  I've been up since 4:00 a.m. with stomach ish.  Perhaps I shouldn't have let my rare steak sit out so long on Sunday before reheating it and consuming it last night?  Ugh.  TMI.  Sorry, bitches.  Anyway, I'll try to blog some today.  I've been terrible and lazy.  Let's kick it off with a poetry slam.  Travis, of One and a Half F*gs fame, provided me with the first line.  Maestro! How 'bout something with a little octane?


There was an old tampon that lived in a sniz,
It bathed in blood and urine and jizz,
Til one day that twat
Was toxically shocked,
And it needs a new gash to live.

If You Love Food

"Is the foie gras fresh?  Is it delicious?" -Phaedra Parks, Real Housewives of Atlanta

And I know you do.  Half of what Mia and I text each other about is food.  My bestie Sunshine has started his own food blog!  He's kicking it off by reviewing restaurants in the SoMa disctrict of San Francisco.  So the next time I visit him I can just load his site and see what to suggest.  I'm really digging his writing style.  It's got a hint of Gwyneth Paltrow, but without the pretension; so it comes off as genuine, relatable, and expert.  I can't wait for more!

Get Ready for Some Fasting and Praying

Pesach is coming, bitches.  That's Passover to you gentiles.  It's when we celebrate ancient Israelites gaining freedom from the Pharoah and the slaughter of a shit ton of Egyptian babies.  Maybe they had it coming though.  Anywho, here is a quickie version to get yoself learnt:

Textual Intercourse

Amen, indeed, sister

I filled Blanche in on my latest conquest, an Asian gym rat with SEVERE bro-itis. There was an eye-rolling moment that perhaps can wait until you hear it on the podcast (second episode recorded! but it won't contain this breaking news).  So we shared our secret love of gym shorts on a guy and pinky swore never to tell anyone.  Oops. 

Blanche: I am a SUCKER for the gym shorts yo

Me:  Yeah I hate myself for it

Blanche:  If you can't hate yourself a little, how the hell are you gonna blow a frat boy?

Blanche:  Can I get a amen in here?

Me:  AMEN

Blanche:  I used to love campus as a kid. They seemed so grown up.  Now they are chirruns

Me:  I know.  I keep getting older but their hot asses stay the same age

Blanche:  Alright alright alright.

THE PODCAST IS HERE!!!

One and Half F*gs is currently available for download on iTunes.  Subscribe, motherfuckers.  This is the chld that Travis and I had that we just didn't have the heart to abort.  Give it a listen; write a review!  Tell us we're awesome, tell us we're unfunny assholes, just check it out!  I hate the sound of my own voice, but listening to this shit was so funny, that I forgot about that.  GET INTO IT HERE IF YOU WANT.

Get Ready for a Fabulous Podcast

My friend Travis and I recorded the first episode of our podcast tonight.  It's going to be hilarious and chocked full of gayness.  If you like queef, shitty sex, and golden shower stories, this will be the show for you.  I will of course notify you the moment it is available for download, but here's a little teaser for you (please note that the triangle is to be reminiscent of the symbol homosexuals would get in concentration camps).

Textual Intercourse

I whip my head back and forth

Here's a little excerpt from a conversation between me and my soul sister Jewess Mia:


Mia:  my cat is being annoying

Me: give it some peanut butter and a water spritz in the FACE

Mia:  lol he would bitch slap me back

Me:  slap that pussy

Mia:  he is more annoying than a child. 

Me: too bad shaking a cat only makes it angry

. . .

Me: I like my babies shaken, not stirred

Mia: lol what's that from?

Me:  ME

Textual Intercourse

sniz:  ur probs a serial killer

me:  in that case you'd be a hot trophy

Let's Make It Happen

amen, sister

If you don't read my tweets, I coined the word "abominortion." I submitted it to Urban Dictionary, but those assholes have rejected my last two submissions. Although I did get angelmaker approved once upon a time. Here you have my definition:

A portmanteau of abomination and abortion. That which is offensive and should never have existed in the first place.

Totally useful, right? I'm going to need your help in literally spreading the word. Use it every appropriate chance you get.  Anyway, you heard it from me first.  So when it blows up, you know where it came from. 

Sir Charlie Sheen

snatched from http://www.videogum.com/

He was knighted, right?  This motherfucker has been so entertaining in a very sad way.  He's the new Lindsay Lohan, but at least you can tell she's a liar and knows deep down she's fucked up.  This man is "WINNING!"  And I'm already so damn sick of hearing people say "winning."  Two and Half Men is the worst; and he seems to be a fucking hurricane of shit, destroying everything he touches.  He truly is an abominortion.  Can we just go back in time and abort Charlie Sheen?

Anyway, here is a fun mashup of New Yorker cartoons and the ramblings of a chemically imbalanced celebrity with too much money for his own good:

Charlie Sheen Quotes As New Yorker Cartoons

My Next Drag Name

I'm mentioned before that I'm always on the lookout for drag personas.  I have a good one.  My name will be Ruth Lesscunt.  Get it?  It works on two levels; I'm so clever!  Eyeroll.  Anyway, I would of course base my look on Ruth Gordon's Minnie character from Rosemary's Baby.  All terrible, poorly applied makeup, housefrocks, and huge hair curlers.

Best Joke Ever

Aside from most Helen Keller jokes that is.  I modified this from statement form in a tweet by @RMGingerNinja:

What did the Jewish pedophile say to the child?

-"Hey little kid, wanna BUY some candy?"