Real Life Jewish Textfail

I told Mia about Top Chef: Just Dessert's child pornographer Morgan and she accidentally made this happen:

Then Mia wrote: SHE HAD JUST SENT ME A VID OF OUR OLD CANTOR SIGNING IN HEBREW

Get Ready for Some Fasting and Praying

Pesach is coming, bitches.  That's Passover to you gentiles.  It's when we celebrate ancient Israelites gaining freedom from the Pharoah and the slaughter of a shit ton of Egyptian babies.  Maybe they had it coming though.  Anywho, here is a quickie version to get yoself learnt:

Best Joke Ever

Aside from most Helen Keller jokes that is.  I modified this from statement form in a tweet by @RMGingerNinja:

What did the Jewish pedophile say to the child?

-"Hey little kid, wanna BUY some candy?"

WWYB?

Whom would you blow? A friend of mine brought up the idea of creating a "cock-sucker time machine to go back and blow hot celebrities before they were train wrecks." According to him, Episode I is Elivs "mmm."

First of all, I had to rename it. His title really lacked pizazz, so I came up with Cock Ring Time Machine. Perfect, right? I however would go back in time to blow Paul Newman. Sexy, Jewish, philanthropic, blah blah blah.

If you could go back in time and service a celebrity, who would it be? I guess I'll include females on the off-chance that someone reading this is into that. I'm sure Rue McClanahan was hot in her day. Or Gael Greene? Well, she was always kind of boxy looking, but you know she's down to fuck.

NSFW

(This is the first picture that comes up for a search on "NSFW." WHAT THE FUCK??)

My brother recently started a new job. I like to send him little tidbit texts and questions when they occur to me during the day, but now I worry that someone will see my messages and get him in trouble. So I've been refraining until after work hours. I just don't want to get him fired because I send him something like "faggoty face Jew monkey."

Why Do I Love Thee?

Well, my love for Drop Dead Diva is back. I watched it last year when I was incapacitated and had nothing else to see. I grudgingly enjoyed it. It's silly and ridiculous, but it has its good points. The star is a thick girl, which is pretty awesome. She can act her ass off, and she has a good singing voice (which they really had to contrive to work into the show). It's cool to see a big girl in a starring role instead of some skinny bitch. Margaret Cho co-stars, and she's decent. I mean, she doesn't exactly shine when she can't talk about pussy, cock, and shit. There are also some great guest stars like Rosie O'Donnell, Paula Abdul (yuck, but yay if you're into her), and Faith Prince. Faith who? She was the wife of the mobster in that fantastically terrible Barry Gordon's The Last Dragon, which I hear is being remade. Blarf. She was also in some Encyclopedia show on HBO when I was a kid, and I loved that shit. She sings and has a funny voice and is great. She's put on a little weight in the face, but whatever, so have you. My favorite part of the show is the main character's guardian angel: Ben Feldman. Yum. Perfect. He also sings, but I guess he has an okay voice, so it's tolerable. I think he's made my list of top 3. Among them is Alexander Skaarsgard of True Blood. He's really just on the list because he's so pretty. I also have a big crush on Chris Hardwick. He's cute, pulls of a great scruffy look, hilarious, and sober. All things I like. Ben Feldman is really trying to work his way up to number one though.

Happy ChakaKhan-ukkah!

Scream it, black lady, scream! Happy holidays, assholes. I'm half Jewish and was raised so. Well sort of, in a half-assed way. To this day I don't know what religion my mother was reared in, if any. When I was little and I asked her, she told me she was Gentile. I thought it was a legit answer. That bitch played me! She probably thought it was pretty funny too. I don't think my Jewish relatives found it very funny when I reported that my mother was raised in the Gentile religion. Whatevs.