Textual Intercourse: Have Fun Smelling My Poops, Bitches

Textual Intercourse: Fun with Racism

Beweave It Again

Pat and sniff weave: genius. I want popsicle scent.

Racist?

Okay some people might think this video is really racist, but it's a joke. A funny one. A somewhat racist joke. But still hilarious! I guess this girl just released a country music single and was in Legally Blonde the musical. Now she can add pretend racist kkkunt to her CV.

Sopapilla Bastardization

A guest at the party I went to yesterday brought "Mexican sopapillas." No. No she didn't. She brought a WASPy debasement of the traditional recipe. The way she described them as "Mexican sopapillas" conjured an image of a work-weathered Aztec woman in a colorful zarape she weaved herself, arduously kneading the tortilla dough with five small children crawling over her who then slaves over her wood stove to fry the dough strips, only to then stuff them with the traditional Mexican cheesecake filling. What? Look bitch, ain't no cream cheese in a real sopapilla. Get yoself learnt.

*sigh*

A friend is taking some exercise dance class focusing on zumba? Whatever it is, I guess it's a thing people do, and it's not that strange. She was demonstrating one of the dances, doing country line dance movements, and said, "you know the one."
"Just because I'm white doesn't mean I know how to line dance. Do you know how to do the stanky legg?"

Then she started doing something else that resembled the macarena. She asked if I knew it.

"The blackarena?"

My Kind Of Video

Shaming Your People

I seem to have many random notes saved in my cell phone as reminders to post. Here we go.

I really lucked out my freshman year of college and had an awesome randomly assigned roommate. He was a cool kid of Chinese heritage. The funny thing was he was allergic to almost EVERYTHING--milk, gluten, soy, and RICE included. We used to joke about what a terrible Asian he was. He had to do extra better in his engineering courses to make up for being allergic to fucking rice and soy. He'd bow to me and say, "I have disgraced my family!"

Crazy Texty Cool

From Last Night:

me: what's up??

Lila: hahahahhaaaaaaaaa

So, I read your blog today, as usual. Then, I tried to comment. I wanted my comment to say "I bet goldilocks has an innie."

BUT, my computer wouldn't let me post. SO, I texted it to you. Then, I added some. Basically, I said

me: ohno

Lila: "i bet goldilocks has an innie. I wonder what I have. Hmm, I went to the gyno today. I should have asked her! I mean, i bet she sees soooo many that she would know, right? I just hope mine's not porridge. or oatmeal...yet at least. but i guess that's a better question for my boyfriend."

BUT

instead of sending it to you

i ACCIDENTALLY

sent it

to my coworker at work.

me: AHAHAHAHAHAHHA

Lila: and she was like "wtf?"

Lila: I had some explaining to do there.

me: omg

Lila: haha, she's cool. But, i feel SO awkward

so, i was like

Oh, sorry Jeannine! That wasn't for you

then write

me: technology is so dangerous

hahaha

Lila: wrote: that was for my friend schad, he writes a blog about vaginas and porn

(which doesn't sound much better!)

me: yeah that's much better

Lila: i know!

so, then she was like, "haha, okay"and i sent her the link to your blog

me: she's like "i don't think this is really appropriate for work"

Lindsay: now you will have a new reader, and i will have a co-worker who thinks about oatmeal vagina every time she looks at me.

maybe you should post this story...

Lila: NO Oatmeal Vagina at work. I'm pretty sure my boss wrote that in the office rules.

DONE

how are you dearie?! Don't you have to go to bed?

me: porridge poon

i'm good!

Lila: hey, shut it

i DO NOT have porridge poon!

me: stressed but pretty good

is it mm mm good?

Lila: stressed? work? boys? smelly people at work?

haha, YES. My gyno likes it.

me: work of course.

do you have male or female gyno? preference?

Lila: FEMALE

She is cute and Asian.

She's fast. I love her.

. . .

Sounds like a BDSM sketch

do you have a safe word?

"Shut up biatch!" would be a good one

Me: safe word is "niggerfaggot"

me: i know i'm up late for me, but i want to watch intervention before i go to bed.

i love that show because it makes me feel better about myself

Lila: okay, go watch

haha

me: really? no comment of NF?

Lila: LOVE

me: oooh i added "angelmaker" to urban dictionary!

Lindsay: nice

def?

yes, i saw the NF comment

me: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=angelmaker

Lila: Perfect safe word

poyfect

hahha.

good def

that needed to be added

"I'm not a murderer, I'm an ANGELmaker"

me: yes! that'll be my strategy if i go postal some day. the "Angelmaker Defense"

Lila: it's a good one

okay, i'm tired now

alright lovey

goodnight

me: we'll talk later, PP

kisses

Lila: hey, i am NOT a porridge poon;(

me: maybe not, but you totally opened pandora's BOX

Lila: haha

like my winking frowny face?

byeeeeeeee

me: nighty night

Lila: i'm so embarrassed to go to work tomorrow

Black History Fail

The first thing I said to Shawnda at work this morning was, "happy black history month!" This prompted our other coworker, I'll call her Linda for now, to joke, "you have to teach us something about black history every day this month." To this Shawnda replied, "okay. . . the republicans just elected a black man to represent them."
*sigh*
Not good enough, Shawnda. Not good enough.

BTDubs Michael Steele sounds like a crazy dick.

Oh, and Rush Limbaugh played this song on his show:

Holy Racism, Batman!

My hair gets curly when it grows out. A guy once said to me, "it looks like your grandma slept with a slave." Wow. I was really offended. How fucking old did he think I was?? Add a couple greats in front of grandma and we're set, fuckass.

YOU get racism! And YOU get racism!

Just because:




The best part is when the kid says, "I ain't gon sit here and argue with yo flat-ass face, homegirl."

Textual Intercourse

Part A)

Charlie: John Cleese is in Spamalot! & it's opening nite

Me: sweet, sounds awesome. maybe later you're gonna go eat a bowl of dicks? toss some mansalad?

Charlie: u rancorous manstrumpet. shut up when u r talkin to me

Me: let me know how the show is if you can get cock and balls out of your face long enough to watch

Part B)

My coworker had to argue this morning with her son's math teacher for him to let her son watch the inauguration live. Some of the teachers weren't allowing the students to watch instead of doing classwork, and Shawnda was NOT having it. They raised voices, and the teacher felt she was trying to make him out as racist. He said, "now you've got me in a white sheet and a pointy hat." This exchange just transpired:

Shawnda: The teacher changed his grade to a B!!!!!!!
Me: you need to go break some heads
Shawnda: No he had a C
Me: oooooh i was thinking it got bumped down. well good! this it the pointy hat one?
Shawnda: Yes
Me: awesome! way to scare whitey

Funny Games

Hmmm. . . this is a picture of part of the jumble section in my local paper a few weeks ago. What's the first word that pops into your head when you see this? For me it wasn't the correct answer, which was "aging."

Futuramadrama

Let me tell you part of my plan for the future. It includes several disgustingly wealthy men dying in mysterious manners and leaving me all their money. I plan on being absolutely shocked when they keep dying, one after another. The following section is an excerpt from my future autobiography:

First there was Jerome. He made his fortune designing a revolutionary system of penile function for female-to-male transsexuals. He showered me with lavish gifts; and ironically, on the day his will was finalized, he passed away from an acute allergic reaction to peanuts. I blame Cook. Who leaves peanut oil next to the lube anyway? After him, I became involved with Eli. He was a great man who lobbied for and subsequently succeeded in reinstating the legality of hunting whales for ambergris. I practically bathed in it every night during our two short years together. I had no idea he was into auto-erotic asphyxiation until I found his corpse hanging from the ceiling with his swollen, purple dick out. Then there was Heff. He was so old by that time that he had no idea I was a man. He was blind, stroked out, and going senile. Our relationship consisted mostly of me giving him his afternoon viagra, manual stimulation, and drowsing off while he recalled the good old days. I had to wear a bra and heels for a few years of my life, but it was worth it. For him I mean. Worth it because. . . he was. . . so sweet. One day when I was away at the spa, he mistakenly took an entire bottle of viagra thinking it was his blood pressure medication. It broke his heart--literally.

After them, my friend Jay and I will move into a giant estate together. He will have had at least an equal number of men in his life, also dying and leaving him wealthy. We're going to get old in style. And by "in style," I mean doing whatever the fuck we want. Our staff will be comprised of attractive young men. My personal ones will be immigrants, mainly from Russia, who feel they have no choice but to work for me because they're in the country illegally. And I promise to get them legitimized for their service, and threaten them with deportation when they fuck up. Actually I think I'm going to need at least one burly, middle-aged woman in a classic maid uniform, maybe Zoila from Flipping Out. Jay and I will play the Blame Game. The point is to shit and piss somewhere in the house, blame the other, and convince Zoila it was the other nasty fucker she works for. I'll bribe her with promises of an educational fund for her grandbabies if she keeps Jay's "accidents" quiet. This will ensure whispers among the rest of the staff of how filthy Jay is. And we'll laugh all the while. And when we don't want to blame each other, we'll "accidentally" get our colostomy and catheter bags caught on furniture so they explode everywhere. I'm thinking perhaps every two years or so, we'll have Black Friday. We'll fire EVERYONE except Zoila, just to see those poor foreigners hearts and dreams break. We'll have already held interviews and hired replacements without telling anyone so they can show up at a moment's notice.

We think we might affix sex toys to the tips off our canes. That way, there are even more demeaning possibilities for when we sexually harass all the boys on the daily. I suppose we'll have pets, but we'll for sure have some dudes with buttplugs in that have wagging rubber tails. And when Barbara Walters rolls in to interview us, the "doggies" will be sniffing ALL up in her ancient, wizened crotch.

We're going to befriend Condoleezza Rice, gain her confidence, and call her Aunt Tom behind her back. Then one day when she least expects it, we'll push her down the stairs backwards. We'll keep Britney Spears in a cage and make her dance for her meals. The corpse of Janice Dickinson will haunt our basement.

Soooo, can anyone hook me up with Heff?

What?

A friend of mine has a black body pillow. His ex-girlfriend calls it Barack Obama because it's black. I added that it's extra appropriate because both are white on the inside.