Rock of Slut Bus: Fuck Cereal

At the beginning of today's ROLB episode, Taya told Beverly that she should carry around a tacky purple pillow because it accents the tacky purple weave she has in her hair. The voice of reason Ashley chimed in with "This is the most boring conversation I've ever had. I'd rather just sit here in silence." If I were into manly chicks, I'd be into her. I'd give her the ole clit tickle.

Bret, or rather the producers, brought Heather, Ambre, and the contestants' exes in for this episode. Beverly's ex-husband declined to participate, thus proving he's deserving of at least a little respect.

Taya's ex Jaz (yeah, with a name like that, is he in the "industry" as well?) was protective of her, even saying to Ambre "Where's the dishonesty and distrust in what I'm saying? With your stapled-ass extensions on your head." Ambre then did her best impression of a blow up doll in shock that someone would make such a claim.

Oh and then Brittanya punched and spat at Heather. That was nice to watch. I just wish she had better aim. I guess she doesn't have much practice spitting.

Ashley knows she's in some shit, because her "ex" is there telling everyone with a pulse that "nobody could pull my shit." What does that even mean? He's her babydaddy, and it turns out they still live together. Ashley said their relationship ended a long time ago, but James said "We fuck all the time." Aaaand Trashley has a tattoo on her left titty of the name James and told everyone it was her son's name. I don't know her crotchfruit's name, so maybe it's also James, but apparently babydaddy has her name tattooed on his crusty body.

My favorite girl was in a pinch, and she said she was having fun until her bff Farrah left. Clearly she wasn't there for Bret. But really, who is? Who sees him on television or wherever and thinks "what a beautiful soul"? They just think maybe they can win and bounce on it without vomiting long enough to quit stripping for a little while and get your baby taken care of for a minute. Unfortunately bitch had to go. The show will be lame like people who eat basil from now on. The Blondetourage has fallen!

Her parting words were amazing: "Bret got rid of [Farrah], and I had to be stuck with these girls who made me wanna kill myself. Seriously. They talked about cereal for three hours yesterday. Are you kidding me? Good luck having fun with Gopher and the 1986 prom queen."

I can't find her MySpace page, but I'll keep trying. I could only find a couple fan-created pages. I tried to burst their bubbles and inform them that she gets kicked off today, but I'd have to befriend them first, so no thanks. I think we can all agree that she needs a spinoff. It can document her rise from lowly stripper to. . . um. . . stripper/prostitute? Or stripper/prostitute/comedienne?

Words To Live By

From Ashley of Rock of Love Bus:
"I'm not hanging out with anybody who wears brown lip gloss."
Word.

What Is A Hybrid Snatch?

(More evidence for Team MANtasha: an apparent happy trail.)

It only took about two minutes of browsing a porn website, and I found Natasha, or "Scarlett Mei Dior." Tacky name, slut. I wonder if she even got to choose it though. You can see her in action here:
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Please allow me to share her profile with you:


Profile for: Scarlett Mei Dior
About her:
Name: Scarlett Mei Dior
Body type: Athletic
Pussy hair: Bald/shaven
Ethnicity: Black
Hair color: Dark
Tit type: Enhanced
Pussy type: Hybrid
Ass: Medium Ass
Tit size: Medium Tits


Summary
Scarlett Mei Dior is beautiful, and very well spoken. High cheekbones, sensuous eyes, and a pretty smile characterize Scarlett’s facial features. Scarlett was featured on a reality television show, and now she is ready for the biz. She has a toned body showcasing strong flat abs, a firm ass, and a pretty pussy with a clit piercing. In addition to all her other physical attributes, Scarlett has a nice set a boobs. Although a bit shy in front of the camera, when Scarlett relaxes, the sexual tigress emerges to entertain all with erotic magic.

Oooooookay, I have a few issues so far:

1) What the fuck is a hybrid pussy?!? Does it get really good mileage? Is it better for the environment? Is it rather quiet compared to other inefficient pussies? Is it pretentious?
2) "Erotic magic?" Is she pulling a rabbit out of her hybrid pussy?


The title of her video is "An Ohio Handjob." Here's the blurb for it:

"Overlooking a beautiful Miami view Scarlett is a pleasant distraction. Why pay any mind to the landscape when she's your date? She's slim and sexy as hell. I'm a sucker for smiles and she's got a big one. You really need to see her naked. It's quite the site to see her take off her clothes. She has nice tits and the flattest stomach. Some girls can give a hand job, and some girls can give a "HAND JOB". She's the latter. She uses all her assets. Pun intended. "

Oh, and the options for "pussy hair" are bald/shaven, big bush, and landing strip. One of the options for body type is "BBW." I do believe that stands for "big black woman."

I need to get a job freelance writing for the people who run these kind of websites. I could shit out more interesting copy, and at least it would be grammatically correct.

My Cock of Love Must Bust

Time for the weekly skankfest. It looks like I just can't get away from the trannies. The episode opens with girls making comments about how manly Natasha and her man voice are. Bret brings out three "frumpy" girls for his current bitches to give makeovers. It's very She's All That, since it's obvious the girls are kind of pretty but dressed down. Natasha lets us know "I have an advantage in this challenge. I know what I'm doing. . . I'm obviously the queen of extreme makeovers." Is she letting the cat out of the bag? Or rather the cock out of the panties?

Bret announced that he is also a fan of natural breasts, and Farrah rolled her eyes. Her tits are offensive. My philosophy is if just one of your boobs is bigger than your head, you should have a matching gut. Farrah went on to say about a makeover contestant, "she's lookin' like a recovering heroin addict that was dressed up by a couple experimental monkeys." So you're saying she looked like any scrawny, pale-faced snatch walking for fashion shows?

Natasha had this to say about contestant Jennifer: "She dresses like a tacky crossdresser." I guess she would know, dressing like a tacky transsexual herself.

Our favorite girl Ashley mentioned that new girl Tammy "looks like Rosie O'Donnell if Rosie O'Donnell decided to wear make-up." She's quite astute. Later she spoke with Bret about Mr. Natasha: "I think, honestly what I really think is that she's a dude." She said at first it was a joke, but Natasha is weird, has a deeper voice than Bret, and wears tutus all the time because it hides her bulge. "I mean, have you ever seen her wear jeans? Hello! She's totally a man, and her real birth name was Nathaniel." Bless you black heart, sweety.

Old man Nasty decided to bring the new girls with him on tour: Jamie, Jennifer, and Kami; or, Sleepy, Snoozy, and Lunesta.

To wrap it up, Ashley spent the night with Bret, and Farrah said, "I'm not jealous of Ashley. I just wish I could have been there to participate or at least held the video camera for future fun times alone." *shudder*

Mantasha got the boot, and supposedly not because of her Adam's apple and prominent bulge. You can probably catch her every other Tuesday at Trannyshack. She's not classy enough to do something like the Baton Show Lounge. I just know her schtick is cutting herself on stage and pulling five yards of barbed wire analbeads from her ass to an Amy Grant song. No joke, they do shit like that at Trannyshack. Check it out if you're in the Bay Area! More on trannies later. . . RuPaul's Drag Race is fantastic, and I'll let you know all about it.



WHOA. Breaking news. Kind of. To me at least. I just spooked (nice usage, eh?) a comment on VH1's page about Natasha:

"mick Says:February 6th, 2009 at 2:05 am
she is in porn bangbros, check her out inTugjobs update: “An Ohio Hand Job” "

I must find out if this is true!

Cock Of Love Bus

Yes, it's that time again. The slutty ladies on the Rock of Love Bus have inspired me to share their antics. They all head to my hometown of Champaign, Illinois, but none of the episode really takes place their. Bret takes his buxom brood to an ice arena to square off against the University of Illinois women's hockey club. Emphasis on the S in Illinois, because that's how Bret ignorantly rolls. The arena is in Danville, Illinois, about 40 miles away. And the strip club he takes them to is also not in Champaign.

During the hockey challenge, one of the skanks, Melissa, falls and thinks she popped an implant. Later that night, the cameras caught her talking on a cell phone she's not supposed to have. Presumably she's speaking to her boyfriend/fiance/whatever and she's talking all sorts of shit about Bret's hair extensions and how old he looks. She says that she doesn't even like him as a person. Ha. The next morning she saw a doctor and found out her boob is leaking, and she tore tendons in her arm. Boo hoo. Then when Bret confronts her about the phone call, she straight up denies it all, saying she never even called anyone. If six bitches are telling you some other bitch did this and that, who are you going to believe? The six, right? Which is kind of scary, because it's generally true in situations like that the group is telling the truth and the individual is bullshitting. BUT a group could come together and decide whatever they want and accuse an individual. Sucky. Like the Salem witchcraft trial or those evil children against poor Michael Jackson.

That one bitch needs to stop talking. You know, that one. She takes every opportunity to say "I'm a retired model." Is that supposed to be impressive? You know what it means, honey? It means you USED to be pretty, but now you're too busted for people to want to look at you. You're not doing yourself any favors by constantly reminding people that at one point, long ago you were attractive. So was Cloris Leachman.

The alleged porn star Brittaney cause some shit this week. While she was out on the date with Bret, the other girls in her bus smelled something like piss emanating from her bunk. They investigated and found food stashed under her blankets. Not only that, but in Brittaney's stuff they found all the dirty socks the girls had just worn for the ice skating challenge. WTF, mate? I'm wondering what her deal is. Is she so hard up for money that she needs to steal socks? Does she have a foot fetish (holy shit, note to self: foot fetish post to come later)? Is she planning to sell them on Ebay? They showed her in a confessional interview defending her actions. She said she asked the people at the ice rink who provided the socks if she could have them "and they very much said yes." She seems like some day she's going to go bunnyboiler on some dude's unfortch ass.



At elimination, token black girl Natasha is wearing a pink bustier and I swear her areolae are showing without an image blurring. Yes, that is a proper pluralization of areola. Pronounced "air-ee-oh-lee," bitches. In the end, Sockstealer got the boot. Bret said he paid a lot of good money for the best European hair extensions. At least he can joke about it, because on my life his shit ain't real. It's acrylic like WHOA.

Rock Of Loathe

Since I'm really into masochism, I checked out the third installment of the Rock of Love series. Yikes. This time around, the skanks are all traveling with Bret on his tour. He promises that if he doesn't find love this time, he's giving up. I assume that doesn't include more shows however.

Here's a quick breakdown of the sluts. I may have missed one or two, they mostly blended together into a blonde, booby mess.

Brittaney: "pornstar." Getting paid to be fucked on film doesn't make you a star--it makes you a prostitute. She serenades Bret with her goblin voice. One of the other girls said "if I was a director, I'da yelled CUT right away." Well, if I were a director, I'd have yelled CUNT right away.

Melissa: blonde. sutpid. boobs. NEXT

Nikki: [pictured above] the shining star. She has tits up to her chin and a plastic face. She said Bret is gorgeous. Maybe she needs eye implants too? Get this, she's a DJ and a graffiti artist. Her spinning name is DJ Lady Tribe [rolls eyes]. She doesn't do graffiti anymore because she got six months in jail for it. To deter her from climbing over walls and doing other stunts to tag walls, etc., she got size KKK breast implants. Her rationale is that she can no longer do all physical feats necessary because she might pop a boob. She's also a rapper. She busted out lyrics written on the backs of papers whose headlines read "genital herpes" and "gonorrhea." Red flag, Bret. Red flag. You know a bitch got those at the free clinic. Girls who think they're pretty get so damn lazy. The think they can always rely on looks without having to resort to trickery, manipulation, and deceit. Take a lesson from Lacey on the old Rock of Love. She was busted and knew she had to be resourceful and conniving. You won't always have your looks, but you can always be a tricky bitch. And you can't just keep getting surgery. Demi Moore looks good for about five minutes between all the months of procedures and operations she has to recover from. In the end, she'll just end up looking like Jocelyn Wildenstein. Trust.

(did she get a head enlargement?!?! What the fuck is wrong with it??)

Ashley: blonde. big tits. Snoozerella

Heather: When snapping her photo, Bret told her to be natural and beautiful like she is. Okay, one of those things she has never been, and the other she hasn't been for YEARS.

Megan: blonde. boobs. She really did refer to herself as an "animal traineress." Well good. Maybe she can tame that bogus weave monster on Bret's head.

Constandina: *sigh* She said she was from the foothills of the Appalachian mountains. Read: INBRED. She says she's a very spiritual person. Please allow me to steal a line from Daniel Tosh: "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!" She claims to have a masters degree in storytelling and wants a PhD in mythology and folklore. Is that shit real? She's getting these from online schools that aren't real, right? Bitch has a masters degree in BULLSHIT.

Natasha: Or, Token Black Girl: That's a man. Aspiring madam. I'm so glad women aren't afraid to go for their dreams these days. I have a feeling I'm going to like her, but I also have a feeling she might get the boot for being violent. We'll see. Not crazy about her eye makeup. Looks like her makeup artist is Michael J. Fox.

Marci: blah blah blah, she made the mistake of thinking she's attractive enough to ignore cultivating a personality.

Stephanie: blonde. boobs. looks like Jessica Simpson. She's an LPN, so she can't be entirely stupid. She has a cripdaddy (that would be crippled daddy) who's married to a 26-year-old.

Kelsey: from Utah. She has Milo Ventimiglia strokemouth.

Maria: she's 40, a retired model. blah blah blah

Marcia: at first glance, she's crickets galore, but there's more to come. She the resident fatty.

Mindy: flapjack titties. No need for further description.

Farrah: blonde. boobs. I'm sensing a theme here. Ladies, listen up. Being blonde, having a fake tan, and huge fake boobs doesn't automatically make you pretty!

Brittanya: nice name. She has cheek piercings in her dimples. Not cute.

Beverly: snoozerly

SaMANtha: When her hair is down, she has mad MOM hair. She has motion sickness. Good idea to be on a show taking place on a bus. That's like a person with a phobia of cock (phalluphobia?) agreeing to be the receptive partner in the world's biggest gangbang.

Taya: Penthouse pet. Whatever. Bret wears more makeup than her.

Gia: lesbian. shows her rack and makes out with Bret right away.

They all get drunk, yada yada. Marcia pours a beer on Ashley, Gia and Farrah dyke out for a while. At some point, someone says "Beverly is a dude. And I don't think Bret wants to date a dude. Seriously." Well his makeup, hair, and clothing tell a different story. The skanks go on stage at a Bret concert then go drink at a bar. Bret shows up with a bad case of dick-sucking-voice. Then Gia and Nikki are involved in something so gross, it can't even be shown on television blurred. All I know is it involved drinking out of a pussy. TWATSHOT! Heather bites it on the stairs on her way out. Full on assplant, dramatic exit fail.

The next morning, the girls assemble in front of the bus, and Nikki hobbles up to them with mad sex-walk looking like she got all her holes flooded all night long. Marcia drinks a bottle of tequila, vomits, then proceeds to make out with Bret. The "blondetourage" has a group kiss with him, and when all you can see is the backs of their heads with nasty barbie hair with dark roots and crabs crawling everywhere, they all look the same.

Marcia throws chips in Ashley's face, Ashley pours a beer on her. Then it's ON. Marcia doesn't fuck around and decides she just gotta choke a bitch out. So she does. Bret lets her stay, which is probably his only good decision in the entire episode. And why is Ashley so upset? I'm sure her face has been covered with much more vile things than chips. Marcia says she was upset about the beer, but not because it got her all wet: "you do not waste alcohol like that. That is not cool." What? Is there a shortage of it where she's from in Brazil? I imagine parents in this country guilting their kids when they don't finish their liquor like "there are thirsty children in Brazil who don't even have alcohol!"

Nikki shows up to elimination in a Vampirella swimsuit, drunk as fuck. She's trying to do sexy poses, but she keeps knocking into the sluts around her. The smoldering bedroom eyes, or rather, roofie eyes as they look, seem to say "do me in the butt. I'll be passed out anyway, I won't even know." Unfortunately, even the occular promise of anal intercourse isn't enough to save her from getting chopped. She also has "F-U-C-K Y-O-U" written across her knuckles. This is one classy broad. They should really say "F-U-C-K M-E." Nikki really needs her own show. the premise could be something like Who Wants to Fuck a Tranny Mess? My girl Marcia is saved. Ashley is going to be pissed. Yes! Reality TV show murder is imminent!

Bret says to the remaining girls waiting to get passes "without a doubt all of you has individual personalities." There is seriously nothing to compliment them on. He was like "you're all definitely. . . um. . . breathing."

To come on the Rock of Love Bus:
boobs will be jiggled
diseases will be spread
babies will be made
falcons will be punched

Below are Token Black Girl and Mom Hair (with hair up):