Textual Intercourse: Pregnant Monsters

KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT

Mia: I'm so fucking tired

Me:  Diddle your clit.  Solves all problems

Mia: Already did.  BAM

Me:  LOL.  BAM.  Is that what you say when you finish?

Mia:  I ain't a talker

Me:  Except when you're done.

Me:  BAM

Mia:  I go WAHOOOO.  lol omg if I ever did that I would die

Here's a little addendum from emails:

Mia:  Go sleep in the waiting room surrounded by the girls getting aboboed.

Me:  I'll be like DON'T MIND ME, I'MA JUST CURL UP ON THIS COUCH LIKE THE FETUS YOU BOUT TO HAVE SNATCHED OOT

Me:  HAHA  I'm going to love hearing you bitch about your periods now!  OMG when you get knocked up eventually (by roofying Alex and stealing his seed [hahahaha gross terminology]) I want EVERY nasty detail.  Down to the mucus plug and preggo farts.

Mia:  ima just sneaksies a napsies.lol.


I'm going to tell you every gory detail. from inception to lochia. (look that shit up). Unfortch I'm totes gonna have to roofy Alex in order to get preggo. Yesterday I was all "what if you're infertile" and he's all "I could get u pregnant with one look" and I said "why aren't I pregnant then" and he said "Even the most powerful stare is blocked by birth control" and I said "what's your excuse for last month" and he was like "hrmph"
 
Me:  Are you SURE you want to get pregnant?  It destroys your insides and turns you into a disgusting monster (if you carry it to term).  OMG there!  Tell Alex he doesn't have to wrap it up, you can just get a bunch of abobos!  Problem solved.  You loved getting flooded with semen, and you love abortions!  WIN-WIN.

Shenaniginas

Pee-wee Herman said that if he had gone to trial back in the day when he was accused of abusing himself in a porn theater, he would have won. “Had we gone to trial, we had ready an expert from the Masters and Johnson Institute who was going to testify that in 30 years of research on masturbation the institute had never found one person who masturbated with his or her non-dominant hand. I’m right-handed, and the police report said I was jerking off with my left hand. That would have been the end of the case right there, proof it couldn't have been me.”

SHENANIGANS. If I could, I would put Pee-wee in jail. My dominant hand is my right hand, but I use my left for sexy fun times by myself. I can't use my dominant hand for that activity (duh, that's what balls are for). I could be the prosecution's star witness. Maybe I could just testify via webcam ;)

My Ex-Neighbor Is Probably Really Glad I'm Gone

My last apartment was on the first floor and shared a fenced-in back patio with the rest of the residents on my side of that building. I'd never seen anyone else out there, so I was in the habit of leaving my blinds open when I was home. I never thought twice about it because no one else was ever back there. Until Hot Blond Dude moved into the apartment next to mine. HBD would sporadically be outside smoking or talking on the phone. Never at the same time as me however. When he did this, he was always crossing in front of my window and sitting in the chairs that were literally right outside my door. Most of the time I just forgot the blinds were open and went about my business--including "me time" of the self-abusing nature.

Then during one quality time session, after a while, for some reason I looked over at my window, and caught the glance of HBD! He was on the phone, and he whipped his head away. At first I was really embarrassed. Not only could he see everything I was doing, but my computer monitor was positioned in such a way that he HAD to see the porn that was playing. Oops. I ran to the bathroom and waited a few minutes. I crawled to the window and turned the thin wand that closes the blinds. Ya know, to make it look like they magically closed themselves. Then I realized he was shirtless, and it was lovely. I went back to work, all the while thinking of HBD.

I never did introduce myself or talk to him. I passed him on the sidewalk in front of our building once. He was holding hands with what must have been his girlfriend. I imagined him turning to her and saying, "holy shit, that dude. . ." and I had to laugh. I moved out two months after that.