Martha Stewart Tilapia Time!

Not really.  But I do want to share my latest obsession.  I go through food phases where I obsessively prepare the same food for days on end.  This time, as before, it has been tilapia.  But I'm trying to be more health-conscious.  I used to fry it, then I breaded it with dijon, now I bake it.  Get into this shit.  Reasonable caloried, baked fish, high in protein:

-preheat oven to 400 degrizzles F
-pat dry your tilapia filets

-prepare a baking sheet/pan with tin foil and spray with non-stick, fat-free spray

-season one side with salt, pepper, and dill (I like to use lemon pepper mix, so I go easy on the salt)

-place seasoning-side down on foil



-season other side

-place a pat of butter on each filet to cover each

-place lemon slices on each filet in order to cover

-bake for 20 minutes

 -remove the lemon slices and SERVE it, girl

22 g protein, 2 g fat, and NO carbs.  Delicios as hell.  BAM.

From Ina's Kitchen

Well, not quite.  But from Ina's kitchen in Mia's head.  She wrote this phenomenal ficticious Ina Garten recipe.  Please enjoy!

Boeuf Bourguignon



Step 1: Put on Shent.
Step 2: Curl Bangs.

BAM.  We are ready to go!

Ingredients:
3 1/3 lbs grass-fed, antibiotic-free, massaged filet mignon
30 pearl onions. The ones with real pearls in the middle, please, it's worth it!
1 lb baby bella mushrooms. This means they MUST be picked from the earth, by a baby, named Bella.
2 carrots from your garden (OBVS)
Butter and Olive Oil (pressed by hand please)
1 cup of GOOD red wine, I always say, don't cook with it unless you would drink it by the glass! Or bucket!
4 excitable faggots
1 rich husband


Take one of the excitable faggots, and put him to work! He needs to cut the boeuf into 1-inch cubes. And I'm not fucking around here! Anything smaller or larger than 1 inch will be discarded immediately because of the severe impact it has on the flavor. You might want to buy a little extra filet if this is your first time making a real recipe. It's pretty reasonably priced.

Saute the pearl onions until they are soft and the pearl in the middle has come out to say hi! Leave these in the dish, they will impress your guests! Add the mushrooms, and give baby Bella an onion (KEEP the pearl) for her hard work. Add the carrots. Saute until the aroma of money fills your house! Then add the boeuf.

Jeffrey always manages to sneak his way to the kitchen by this point, so use another faggot to distract him so that you can eat chocolate in your walk-in pantry alone!

Drink the red wine in there too.

Once the 3rd and 4th fags find you, it's time to eat! Enjoy! And make sure you eat all of the food except for one scoopful for Jeffrey. The faggots will get upset if you try to feed them.

How Easy Is That?

I've recently written a few posts and not published them because they are super depressing and EMO.  Maybe this will lighten the load.  I recently discovered Food Network Humor, and I've been obsessively reading every post.  My favorite posts are the user-submitted ones with recipes as created by a fake Ina Garten.

See:

French Style Summer Horcrux

Summer Squash Imbued with Unicorn Magic

Ina Garten's Better-Than-Yours Cake

So here is my submission.  Please to enjoy:

Braised Jewish Short Ribs

This is one of my favorite holiday dishes to prepare.  Not only is it a breeze to make, but it’s equally as fun.  I find that it goes over best at the witching hour of the Autumn Solstice.  As my Jeffrey once told me over the phone from his separate wing of our Hamptons manse, this recipe is simply to die for, and for some reason he used the word “fierce.”

Ingredients:

1 gilded pail of salt harvested of the waters of the Dead Sea

5.6 tsp of ultraviolet peppercorns

½ cup of maple syrup drawn from a tree of the Garden of Eden

3 cloves of organic geomanced garlic

½ vial of tears of remorse from the current Pope (just tell him you know about his acts of pederasty, that always does the trick for me, teehee!)

2 cups of Romanée-Conti red wine

1 Cher album

1 good adolescent Hebrew (the more Orthodox, the better!)

First when the moon is full, go out to the pen where you keep chained your stock of heathens for ritual sacrifice.  Choose a meaty, young Hebrew.  Whilst bound and gagged, surround the Unclean One with a circle of the salt, reserving 1 ½ tablespoons.  This will ensure that the soul is infused in the meat when you slaughter him, thereby rendering a juicier, more tender final product.  Punch your fist into the Jew’s midsection, and remove its heart in one swift, merciless motion.  You may reserve it for a sauce, but I find that the Jew ribs are satisfying  all on their own.  The rest of the carcass makes for a great Halloween costume once the hide is skinned and tanned.  Using your teeth, break the rib cage down into a rack of six delectably sinful ribs.  Sprinkle the vial of Pope tears on it to counter the taint of God’s “Chosen People.”  Using nothing but the power of your mind, rape the garlic and peppercorns into submission until they break like so many Juden windows on Kristallnacht.  Coat the Israelite’s ribs with the remaining salt and the garlic peppercorn mix.  Heat a large pot on your wood-burning stove, and add the ribs.  After accomplishing a good sear on every side, add the maple syrup, put a lid on the pot, and telekinetically float it to the center of your kitchen.  Pour in one cup of the wine, and retain the rest in your rectum: we’ll come back to that later.  From your family’s (at least) 2000-year-old Grimoire, recite the incantation for the Daedalus Sphere.  Quickly, before all oxygen is consumed from the room, conjure a manifestation of Black Fire inside the sphere.  This reduces the cooking time to a mere 30 minutes.  Just long enough to play the Cher album as loud as you can, which will draw in any stray homosexuals in the near vicinity having liaisons in bushes and behind buildings.  Once they have all gathered, cut one of their throats to extinguish the spells.  You should then expel the remainder of the wine from your bowels onto the ribs to really turn up the volume.  Start the Cher CD over, dig in, and remember to keep rhetorically asking every gay “how easy is that?”

Tamago Onii Shiro

I don't really speak Japanese, but an interest in sushi, anime, and videogames has allowed me to construct a feeble dictionary on my own. I made a yummy recipe for hard-boiled eggs for a party yesterday.

White Devil Eggs

(notice I didn't write "white deviled eggs," and you'll see that it's due to a key ingredient)

18 large eggs

1/2 tsp. salt

1/3 cup ranch dressing

1 - 2 tbsp. wasabi paste to taste

5 strips bacon, finely diced

I invented this recipe one night a long time ago when I was starving, broke and had almost nothing in my apartment. It was either eat the shit separately or try to make something delicious. I like to think I accomplished the latter. Of course I only had maybe 4 eggs and remnants of the other ingredients, but I've tweaked the proportions here.

Boil the eggs in a large pot. If you don't know how to do this, throw yourself out a fucking window, because life isn't going to be very rewarding for you. I used a giant pot and boiled all the eggs in already-roiling water for 15 minutes if you must know. Remove the eggs, and place them in the fridge to cool. This takes a while, so I let them chill over night. What? Plan ahead, assholes.

Chop the bacon, and cook it in a pan at medium heat until fully browned. Obviously don't use butter or oil since the bacon releases its own (I almost just wrote LUBE. We all know what's on my mind) fat to cook in. If this isn't obvious to you, and you don't live in secluded woods and speak pidgin English you learned from your stroked-out mother, please jump out the window again. It should be open since the last time you did it and were either reincarnated or somehow resuscitated.

While the bacon is cooking, shell the eggs. An easy way to do this is to lightly crack them on a flat surface, then roll them against it under the palm of your hand, ensuring that it breaks all around the egg. If you think you might have some shell bits on the egg still, I find it useful to dip the eggs in a small bowl of water.

Cut the eggs lengthwise into halves. Remove the yolk, setting them in a bowl and the whites on whatever serving dish you wish. If you're feeling particularly fancy, you can put the yolks in a blender or food processor to break them up, but I find a large spoon works just as well. Do this, and mix in the salt, ranch dressing, and wasabi. Mix it well, and add more wasabi if you like it hot. I like the kick wasabi gives, so I used about 2 tablespoons. Here's the fun part: place the mixture in the bottom corner of a large Ziploc-style plastic bag. Twist it so there's no excess air in the bag. Cut the tip of the corner off so you can use it like a pastry bag. Pipe the mixture into the egg halves, being as pretentious as you like with the pattern.

Sprinkle those bitches with the bacon bits, and they're done!