RHoNYplasty

Here we go. There was plenty to laugh at this week on the Real Housewives of New York. Let's start with the Zarin fabric event, eh? Jill claims that "retail is in [her] blood." She said that she's a "trained business woman," and she was lucky to meet Bobby because he had his retail business and she could get back into it. Translation: she was nothing on her own, but she recognized an opportunity to get paid a shit ton to appear busy.

Kelly attended the party with foreign boytoy Max. Brad got so drunk he was redder than Kelly's face, and he continued to shame my people. He told Alex "Kelly showed up with the most gorgeous guy in the world." Simon's head whipped around faster than Sienna Miller to married cock because of course the phrase "gorgeous guy" triggered his cocktail party effect. Brad hit on Max all night, and Kelly said "Max has so much confidence that he was just having a great time with it." Yeah, that, or his English isn't good enough to understand everything that tacky old faggot is gushing at him. Wipe yourself, Brad, you're leaving a snail trail.

Ramoner is still pushing this skincare line of products that she's apparently had for over a year that no one knew or cared about. "I've been using skin products religiously for twelve years!" If that's what she looks like with over a decade of meticulous care, then I'm really curious as to what she would look like au natural.



She actually said this: "I met a fabulous chemist, and together we developed this formula." Stop. No. Please don't even try to take credit for something you can't possibly do. What, did she say it should smell like vanilla bean asshole? That doesn't count. Somehow I don't see her in a white labcoat mixing chemicals and putting the product in little baby rabbits' eyes herself. Then again, you can get so many online degrees these days. I'm a certified lawyer and oncologist. Back to the point, she paid some desperate out of work chemist to make something she can put her filthy name on.

I just noticed the individual two-second intros Bravo shows when switching to a different woman. Alex, Jill, the Cuntess, and Ramoner are all with their kids and/or spouses, but then there's Bethenny. Poor sadeyes Bethenny is alone hugging her dog in her intro as if to say "he's all the man I need!" That shit has "undesirable" stamped all over it. She's trying to get the word out for her no-wheat no-dairy blah blah cupcakes and muffins. If none of that stuff is in them, what the fuck are they made of? She gets snarky about Silex going to the opening of an envelope, then she herself ends up at a deserted supermarket where NO ONE wants her crap. She claimed that she usually has hundreds of people waiting for a chance to meet her. LIES, woman. Just like your food. "Healthy" my ass, this bitch is selling lies.

The Douchess is still around. Yay. She gives some lame justification that she's writing (rather, having someone else write) her book not because it's an opportunity for notoriety and money, but because her countless (HA! Now she's COUNT-less) adoring fans are clamoring for it. By the way, she has a section on seduction. Ew. Please, please, I beg of you, do NOT buy her book. Luann feels "passionate" about the guy always paying for dates. Here's the thing: if he really liked her, he would have WANTED to pay. Bottom line: the guy who asked her to split the check thought she was a cunt.

Redface Bensimon is working on a "jewry" line. Just like lockjaw DeShawn, formerly of RHoAtlanta! She met with a designer, and had this to say : "He was making amazing collections for all these different people that have different personalities. He has me, Nicole Richie, Heidi Klum, Brittny and Lisa Gastineau. . ." Wow, that's a veritable who's-who of irrelevancy. "A lot of people wear my jewry: Christina Milian, um, Amanda Bynes, Whitney Houston, Reverend Run's wife. . ." See previous joke.

Bravo aired a short clip of Kelly during a commercial break, giving us a deep insight into her world. Apparently she runs in the street in front of taxis because that's something normal people do. I was praying for an accident. She runs like Phoebe from Friends. Are Friends references still appropriate? Do people get them?

Jill goes to buy a custom handbag for $16,000, saying, "considering the economy right now, I didn't think it was appropriate to spend a fortune of money on my birthday present." Right. She also got some Mercedes SUV that she bitched about until her husband agreed to get a different one that would work with iPhones and iPods.

Luann tells us, "I've almost finished writing my book. . ." Shes' not writing shit, but she's sticking to her story. She meets with her publishers, and they have a celebratory drink. One guy says, "nothing like champagne in the afternoon." Liquor whenever you want? No need to tell that to an American Indian. Zing!

Silex only appeared in the last ten minutes or so, and I can't decide if this is good or bad. Simon takes Alex to a jewry designer as a surprise for her birthday, and he says the guy "like me, is an ex-pat of Australia." As a general rule, I don't like anyone who refers to himself as an expatriate. That shit is only appropriate for Hemmingway and that dykey Gertrude Stein, and it died a long time ago.

Simon described Alex's face saying, "you know, Alex has quite a long, thin face." Oh, you mean like a horse. Then he got all pissy because the surprise of going home to celebrate with Bryce Dallas Howard and ChildToucher was ruined. He threw a fit like a 10-year-old girl who knows a few curse words. The kids greet them, blah blah blah, they gather around a kiddie table in a cramped dungeon and Simon tells the children to raise their glasses and say "chin chin" I understand that people do that in the UK, but here he just seems like a pretentious dickbag.

Next time on RHoNY: Kelly throws a Halloween party and doesn't bother to show up. Luann dresses as a slutty Land-o-Lakes squaw, and Alex is a school marm?

An Interview With Heidi Montag's Mother

Crested Twatte, CO


Darlene Egelhoff sits at her kitchen counter sipping, no, gulping what smells to be vodka from a large wine glass. She says happy hour has been starting earlier and earlier since her daughter has come under harsh criticism from the media and public. You might know her daughter, Heidi Montag of Laguna Beach, The Hills, and various vocal aberrations referred to as her music.

Schadenfreude: Good afternoon, Mrs. Egelhoff, how are you?

Darlene Egelhoff: Whatever, let's get this over with. I want to get paid, and I'm working on a good buzz here.

S: Okay, let's dive right in. What was Heidi like as a child?

DE: You have to understand she wasn't supposed to happen. The abortion didn't work. But then I saw her and fell in love.

S: Wow, I had no idea. So you didn't resent her very existence?

DE: No, not at first. We were inseparable for the longest time. I called her my little abortion that could.

S: That's adorable? Did she always have that insatiable craving for attention that we've all come to know and loathe?

DE: Oh yeah. As soon as she could walk, she was always dancing. Then came all the hurting herself and other people to keep the focus on her. It was never enough. I never got a break. Couldn't even watch my stories without being bothered.

S: And when did she first show interest in singing?

DE: I'll never forget it, she was six years old. I knew I had to do something.

S: What do you mean? Did you try to get her auditions or maybe lessons?

DE: Oh no, she sounded like a wood chipper full of kittens. What I mean is, I took her to Mexico for a "vacation," drugged her, and had her ovaries removed. Told them she had cancer in her ladyparts. Real cheap too, got myself some new tits out of the deal.

S: That sounds so cruel! How could you do that?

DE: Well, what I really wanted was to crush her little voicebox, but they wouldn't do that, even in Mexico. I learned enough Mexican to ask that, and that little doctora just gave me the evil eye and crossed herself.

S: Wow. You are unbelievable. I had more questions, but I think I'll be leaving now. Here's your gift certificate to Target.

DE: Oh please. Don't get all high and mighty with me, you little queer. That babymaker had to be shut DOWN. I'm a goddamn hero! Hey, where are you going? Wait! Don't you want to know about how I fucked Spencer??? He cries during sex and likes a pinky up his ass!

You Sank My Mothership!

Just a day after that ship captain was rescued from Somalian pirates, four more ships have been attacked by pirates. The pirates have gone wild. This is a sentence that people say, and other people comprehend it. What the what? Apparently these pirates keep a bunch of hostages on their mothership, you know, as insurance that no one will just blow it up. It's really not a bad idea. That's what I do. I always make sure to have an excess stock of hostages. I get them at Costco.

I think the solution is clear. Naturally the U.S. needs to take credit for everything, but since we're already in two wars and Pakistan and North Korea are dicey, I think it's time for some good old fashioned OUTSOURCING! Yes, if our government knows what it's doing (shh, let me finish), then we've already hired the pirates only natural enemies: ninjas.

Ouch

Lindsay Lohan's eHarmony Profile from Lindsay Lohan

It takes a lot to get there, but I'm losing the ability to joyfully wallow in Lindsay Lohan's pain. She's gone beyond crazy-but-still-slightly-humorous-train-wreck and pulled into Sad Town. She just appeared in a Funny or Die video, satiring herself in an eHarmony ad. I guess this could be funny if it hadn't already been done 123,588,600,493 times. It actually serves to make her seem crazier. I'm having trouble putting my finger in it, but it's disturbing! This bitch has crazy in the eyes. And she presents all the "gossip" as if it's just that, and not documented psycho events of her life. Here's how I see it going down:

A) She really makes an effort to get her shit together. Maybe she can go to rehab AGAIN but take it seriously this time and try to learn what she can do about why she's so fucked up (execute her parents perhaps?)

OR

B) Die.

This bitch has clearly been slowly been trying to kill herself for years now, so it's just going to happen if she doesn't do something. And she's not going to be remembered fondly like James Dean. Or even River Phoenix, who DID die of a drug overdose, but people only seem to remember the good parts. If her little firecrotch flame gets extinguished, I'll just think she brought on herself. She's been offered so much help and had so many chances, but she still won't even take responsibility for herself. No one is going to lament her wasted talent, because she didn't have any to begin with. Hopefully she's either be sober or dead within six months. Anyone want to take bets?

The Super Adventure Club iPhone Apps

What's great about the iPhone is that if you want to learn dozens of synonyms for vagina, there's an app for that. If you want to know where you can legally abuse an underage prostitute while she shoots ping pong balls out of her twat, there's an app for that. If you want to figure out how much blood you can drain before your captive dies, there's an app for that. If you want to find a secluded place to bury a dead hooker, there's an app for that. And if you want to learn how to say "I swear I didn't touch your child" in Cantonese, there's an app for that too.

More RHoNY

Simon and Alex's website is fantastic. Apparently Alex used to have dreams of being an actress and has her resume and everything on her own page. She can do all sorts of accents, does an "amazing vocal rendition of Gilligan’s Island theme song in Latin," and did voiceover work as this slutty character:



Strangely fitting.

Her blog is pretty lame, and apparently she got fired from her job? I can't tell if it's recent or not. On the other hand, Simon's blog is pretty funny. In an awkward way. He has actually written commentary on each episode of the season so far. Check it out when you're bored, and try not to vomit.



I'm sorry, but their kids are creepy. Johann looks like Bryce Dallas Howard, and Francois looks like an mid-30s child predator. Genetic FAIL.

Game, Set, Snatch

Aright, linearity be damned, this post might be jumping all around the place because these NY housewives got me trippin' like honky grandma be trippin'. I'll start with Puta Cuntastica herself, Kelly. She graciously deigned to participate in the cute rheumatoid arthritis charity event, even though she doesn't need it, she doesn't need her name on anything, and she just wants to help in the background. Oh, I get your game, bitch. Firstly by letting everyone know that you aren't looking to spread your name (which by the way, people only know you because of your famous ex-husband, so don't get it twisted), it establishes that not only are the other women doing the event to gain notoriety but that you already have enough. She generously arranges for donations, and the audience can see what a philanthropic, altruistic crimson giraffe she is. She got her ex-husband, world-renowned photographer Gilles Bensimon, to donate a portrait session. And yes, they said the whole phrase just like Tyra did for so many episodes of Top Model.

Ramoner of course is gushing and pleased as hell that she can say that her daughter is afflicted with RA and seem more important than she really is, but it might not even be true. If it were an AIDS charity event, you know Ramoner would bug out her eyes and say "Ohmygod! My twelve-year-old daughter TOTALLY has the AIDS!"

Kelly noticed Jill's gaudy, costumey diamond ring, and Jill let us know that it's the "baby," and the "mama" is in the vault. I can just imagine Jill's response when she saw the mama diamond: "But I thuawght the old bitch dropped it inta tha ocean in the end!"

The Douchess visited a Boys and Girls club or something. She has to pretend she does something with her life, so I guess this was her activity for the week. Her goal was to boost the self-esteem of at-risk little girls, and she only ended up seeming like a pretentious cunt and arrogantly shitting on a child's dream. She made sure to tell everyone all about how she became a countess, blah blah blah, and never give up because you never know where your life will lead you. Yes, good lesson. Never give up hope that a man will come to rescue you from your life of poverty, and you'll never have to look back at the plebians again. Bitch, pleeeeez. These girls have bigger things to worry about like teen pregnancy and getting into college.

A girl told Luann that her dream was to be a model. She had the girl stand up so she could scrutinize her. Apparently she was only ten, but she was kind of a fucking behemoth for her age. Lulu told the girl "you have plenty of time to grow and you have a beautiful face. And--and you know what? Losing weight is easy. That's the easy part. . . you have the basics." Ouch! Hey, little girl who's about to go home to binge and purge, you just got DIScountess'd! You know what though? Fuck you, granny. Maybe she likes the way she looks and doesn't feel the need to conform to your status-obsessed standards of beauty. Maybe she'll be the next Huskeroos model!

That faggot Brad. He is a walking excuse for homophobia.

The tennis match was lame. Simon was Jill's partner against Ramoner and Mayrio. The only funny part was when Jill said her mystery partner was there and "ready to come out." Insert obvious joke here:______ __ ___.

One last thing. Question: what is wrong with Kelly Bensimon's face? Did she get a scarring chemical peel or is she just always drunk?

Laughing By Myself

There's a health fair later this month. Today my boss asked us to think of catchy phrases or slogans we can use on a board for presenting at the fair. The theme is Mardi Gras, jazz, blah blah blah. This is what I came up with:

"Jazzercise Your Right to Choose. Get it? It's an abortion joke!"

Lindsay Lohan Makes It Too Easy

This is the background picture of Lindsay Lohan's Twitter page:



Let's focus on something:



The jokes her are so obvious, it just seems wrong to make them. Suffice it to say the picture neatly sums up her existence to date.

Oooh Baby Let Me Fix My Weave

(Kudos on keeping it real, but if that's how you roll, be prepared for many wtf? looks)

Whenever I see hair like Tyra's or Oprah's I ponder what their real hair looks like. I like to imagine what it looks like at that very moment with those wigs sitting on their heads. Not sleeked back and chic, but cornrowed. And not these fake ass chunky Lil' Kim cornrows,



but keepin it real-style.





I'm talking about busted-ass, frizzy, utilitarian cornrows a bitch would do knowing ain't nobody gonna see em. Oprah has said that she wears hairpieces and wigs, and her hairline is constantly showing, but her people do a great job of making it look like it might have grown from her head. Unlike some people. . .



The amount of time and thought I've put into Oprah's hair is sickening. Last week Star Jones was on Oprah (don't EVEN get me started). Oprah was wearing her best Pocahontas hair, and my coworker insists it was all her hair. If by "her hair" you mean she owns it, then yes, I agree. There is no way she grew that shit herself. I think maybe that was part of Oprah's deal with the devil. She gets fame, fortune, power, and good hair for a lifetime in exchange for her soul and those of as many little African girls as she can provide (Hello? Her school is so fucked, it might as well be called Lindsay Lohan). An article in Star magazine last year had an item from some woman who claimed to go to the same gym as Oprah. She said Oprah's real hair was cropped close to her dome and bleached. I would die. DIE.


On a related note, this reminds me of a girl I went to high school with. She was nice and sweet, but she was a little, um, what's a nice way of saying "ghetto?" Anyway, she was a white girl with pale skin, freckles, and chin-length blonde hair. One day she decided it would be a great idea to get braided extensions of the dookey variety. They started at the halfway length of her natural hair and looked horrendous. Best part? THEY WERE FUCHSIA.