30 My Ass

I'm sorry, but that is not the neck of a 30-year-old. Bitch needs a waddle-ectomy STAT. A neck like that could be Kimora Lee Simmons' segmented caterpillar baby picture, but no other 30yo should look like that.

Dance Dance Stagnation

(not gay at all)

My first step show experience was. . . interesting. I've actually seen an exhibition or two, so I thought I knew what to expect. Not so. The teams were all representatives of campus Greek houses.

First of all, in attendance were so many fashions and hairstyles I didn't know what to do with myself. A question I wonder now is how many pounds of fake hair were in the auditorium? Probably as many as my weight. Needless to say I was thrilled. I knew I was in for a treat before the show even started. I was seated next to the aisle across from the kids doing the AV. Right before it started, I noticed a girl in a really cute dress talking to them, bent over at the waist. The hem of her dress was crazy and asymmetrical, and I totally got a face full of ass. At some point, she wised up and put a hand on her bottom as if to make the pose acceptable. She then got on the stage to introduce the MCs. There wasn't even any lighting, and she started talking into the mic, and no one could even hear her. "Somebody need to put a spotlight on that ho," I heard from behind me. That's exactly what I was thinking.

The first performance was by the Christian frat. I wasn't aware those existed. I asked my friend if they were stepping for Jesus, but really I was wondering if they were date-raping for Jesus. They came on stage and went into poses, waiting for the music to start. At least one of them was standing with his arms out and head hanging as if on the cross. NICE. The music blasted, and one member mimed whipping the other three to the beat as they writhed in pain. It was the hotness. They did some traditional stepping, but I have to say there was much more hip-hop dancing than stepping across all performances. Which was cool with me, I greatly enjoy both.

Mixed in among the frat teams were larger dance crews that did fantastic numbers. My favorite was definitely the team that was dressed as robots and imitated all sorts of sex acts. Sexy robots fucking? I'm there. They all had silver body paint on their faces, but it wasn't heavy enough, so instead of looking like cool Tin Men, they were more like Copper Men. One robot dude was so fwiiiine, I found myself just watching him the whole time. He's dancing, popping and locking, and -oh shit!- a lady robot ripped his shirt off! What a treat.

What determines who I watch the longest at any performance is definitely attractiveness. Is that wrong? I don't know shit about dance, and if you dance better than a stereotypical whitey, it's all Greek to me, so I have to have some sort of criteria.

I recently went to another performance of the ultra modern (I think? At least it was to me) Merce Cunningham Dance Company, and I held to this rule of thumb. Shit was bananas. The soundtrack wasn't so much music as it was noise, but I loved it. The dancing was. . . dancing. And awkward posing. It was way too long for me, but I guess I enjoyed it. I kept trying to figure out if there was some story I was missing out on, but clearly it was over my head. Everyone was in a camouflage sort of leotard with different patterns of black and white stripes on the front and back. It made no sense to me. I flipped through the program before the show and decided I needed to keep an eye on this Silas Riener fellow. Wow. Those leotards might as well have been painted on, and I was very pleased. My eyes were ass-level almost the entire time. Anyway, Mr. Riener delivered impressively and worked up a healthy sweat while doing so. That's kind of what I liked most about his performance over the other men. . . a generous sheen of perspiration. It really gave him an edge.

Step Up 2 The Save The Served

Details to follow tomorrow. . .

Poor Taste

If you're a terrible, depraved person like me and find humor in the saddest, most disturbing things, (well there's a chance you've seen these already, but) you'll love this!


http://misc.classpc.nl/morningglory/comics.html

Oops

My boss was telling me and the new girl today a story that was supposed to be inspirational. Once upon a time there was some girl in Africa who didn't have shit. And maybe not even a clit, because you know how they roll over there. Her daddy didn't want her to get her learn on since was the designated sex slave or something. She made a wish ON A FUCKING ROCK she buried that she would move to the U.S. and pursue her education to the point that she obtained her PhD. She had a hard, shitty life including a husband who died of AIDS. Somehow her wish came true, and Oprah discovered her and blah blah blah she's finishing her PhD soon. The new girl asked what she's getting her PhD in, and I jokingly said, "AIDS." Hilarious, right? I know. My boss was APPALLED. The one and only time she was genuinely not pleased with something funny I said. Well, she doesn't like when I use the word "pussy" in the anatomical sense either. Or say "cunt." But otherwise, anything goes! Except AIDS I guess. I think people should just lighten up in general. Being able to laugh at anything makes life not only tolerable, but fun. No limits, bitches. The Holocaust, abortion, limb amputation, Elizabeth Smart: find the humor, people.

I'll leave you with a quote from that dirty Jewess Sarah Silverman:
"When G-d gives you AIDS--and G-d does give you AIDS--make lemonAIDS."

p.s. Why are people surprised by the revelation that Elizabeth Smart was getting raped on the daily? That creepy guy didn't abduct her to fucking play tiddlywinks all day long.

"Shia LeBarf"

This whole mess started because I decided to watch Transformers 2 last night. Which, by the way, wasn't great or anything, but I'd rather have seen it instead of Terminator: Salvation in theaters. My texts are in black, and my friend Sunny's are in violet.

---------------------------------------------

i downloaded transformers 2... going to try to watch tonight

I just lost vote for movie tonight....only one who wanted to see jennifer's body

the 1st was literally painful on my eyes
ugh damn me for liking megan fox

"punk ass decepticon?" seriously?

Soundwave definitely just tentacle raped that satellite

I'm really enjoying transformers in all its shitty glory

shia is sometimes hot

i was just thinking that!

sometimes

I fucking hate his name though

yeah, def can't see myself moaning "shia" during sexy times

his name evokes the same reaction out of me that the mean Lhasa my fam had....I'm sure you remember Lafite

HAHAHAHAHA. they have similar hair texture. i'd make him give me a flightless pigeon." that's a handjob using a broken arm/hand

we could roleplay and he's wear one of those jew hats and long curly sideburns

I just want to kick or punch Shia

and say "oy" when we bone

Def no moaning Shia, lol

invent a sex position called the Wheezing Moses or something

You should make an illustration

i wouldn't mind parting his red sea

Do Jew wigs exist?

it's a niche fetish but i'm sure lol.

Dude... Shia could only be a bottom

total pussyboy

I hope he plays a gay character one day- believe it or not I like him as an actor....Something about him is non-mainstream hot ... Maybe I like that he is kinda geeky?

And he is refreshing for a Hollywood boy

i agree. he's geeky and has a distinct, quirky acting style

Yes!

I bet he has a nice O face

good call! i bet it's similar to his freakout seizure face in the lecture hall in this movie, eyes rolling back & all

and a dash of whimpering = his o face recipe

Yes yes yes yes yes!!!!!!!!!! With a little bit of "I'm confused" thrown in!!!!!!!

Does he take his shirt off in that movie?

no doesn't look like it. and there are only like 2 shirtless shots from my brief google search

Perfect!!!!!

I hope he isn't like surprisingly ripped or jacked up with muscles.... That would de-hot him a little for me

oh no he's delightfully soft

Nice!

Would you do him face down at all? I think I would actually like to look at his face...

Like the whole time

hmm i'd have to switch it up, but i enjoy seeing winces during thrusts, and we've already determined he has a great whining face

Right! I mean his face would kind of be the point of the whole thing!

wow. we just had a lengthy, in-depth back & forth about shia labeouf's possible O face. i'm glad we're friends!

Ditto

-------------------------------------------------

Sunny's bf had this to email about our mild obsession:

1. Shia LeBarf is disgusting and you both make me sick.

2. Enjoy - http://shiantology.com/2009/06/18/shiantologys-shia-labeouf-creashian-gallery/

Bonus for you, Eyewash required for me: http://shiantology.com/2009/09/25/shia-labeouf-meat-packing-district-penis/

It's Rrrrrrrrrrrrrape Time!

My boss and I were driving through campus today when I spied a lovely wooded area randomly next to dormitories. This shady, sun-dappled stretch even had what looked like a log cabin. Its beauty smacked me in the face and I commented "wow! That park is fucking beautiful."

My boss replied "the students call it Rape Park."

"Well Rape Park is gorgeous."

Gurd Your Loins

I read a report today that Real Housewives of New York's very own (S)Kelly(tor) KILLOREN Bensimon will appear in the December 2009 issue of Playboy.

*shudder*

Thankfully she won't be exposing the lunch meat between her legs. I'm thinking it will be something tasteful along the lines of this:

Tyra Smeyets The World

Tyra Banks is killing me. With her eyes. Her "smeyes." She's "SMEYETING" ME. "What's that?" you ask? Oh, you don't know about the horrible new word invented by a useless woman for an imaginary action? "Smeyesing" is smiling with your eyes. If you watched tonight's America's Next Top Model, then you are all too familiar. I considered watching it again in order to count the number of times smeyes is uttered, but I knew I'd have performed terrible and permanent self-mutilation before I could finish it.

Then the producers thought it would be a great idea to put all the contestants in spandex body suits. Here's the result:

I'mma Let You Finish. . .

Okay okay we all know what happened at the recent MTV VMA festivities. Kanye West once again proved that he shouldn't be allowed to interact with people ever. What he did to "country singer" Taylor Swift was bogus and lame, but it's also made her more popular and lovable. I'd like to thank Kanye for giving us the template for endless hilarity:

I'mma Let You Finish