Sweet Dreams

I keep forgetting to share a strange dream I had two nights ago. I was in some sort of small cafeteria with tons of people. There was a shady group on the opposite side of the room from me consisting of Nick Cannon, Random Generic White Guy, and super cute blond guy. I could tell the blond was the leader of their little cohort, he just looked all evil. He motioned me over, and I didn't mind a closer look at him. When I got over there he had Nick Cannon use some power on me to choke me and make it so no one paid any attention to me. Imagine that! Nick Cannon with the power to be ignored. Surprising. Anyway, I broke free of that somehow, then I figured out that I needed to attack Jennifer Coolidge. Yes, Stiffler's mom. I don't know what that was about, but she was there and I approached her with the handle end a butter knife. I slowly stabbed it through her titty three times, passing between ribs in an attempt to get her cold, black heart. "Hey! Watch it!" is all she had to say in her funny voice before she slumped, and I woke up. How random is that?? I love Jennifer Coolidge. I don't know why I'd want to take her out. But I recognized that she was a threat, and I wouldn't let me love of her big ass and silly ways get in my way. Maybe that's the message.

Sidenote: She's one of those people I just can't picture young. What could she have looked like at my age? It's like that video of Rue McClanahan I saw a few weeks ago in which she's young and performing some sort of (hopefully ironic) burlesque dance. She just looks....exactly the same, but not wrinkly. It's not really sexy, it's actually rather disturbing. I don't remember if I posted it already, so if not, you have that shit to look forward to.

Check Mii Out

Obviously my personal Mii for the Wii system is a Tranny Jesus. Duh.

Gagging For Your Nerves

I can't even describe the awesomeness of this video. I can only say that this bitch knows how to turn it out and how to motherfucking LAYER. Make sure to watch the whole thing with nothing distracting you. Eat. It. Up. With. A. Spoon.

Hot Mess In Cleveland

The TV Land premier of Hot In Cleveland was last night, and it was. . . meh. It was trite, cliché, and a little boring at times. There are some decent one-liners but none we haven't heard before. It stars Wendie Malick, Jane Leeves, and Valerie Bertinelli with Betty White as back-up. Wendy is pulling her usual snobby Hollywood schtick from Just Shoot Me, which to her credit she is good at. She's a woman of a certain age who finds the adoration of the simple Ohio folk amusing. Jane Leeves was more crass than the last time I paid her any attention (Frasier), and she's fine. I suppose it works for her. Her character has glasses in the pilot which annoyingly reflect whatever monitors are on set, which only serves to remind me that she's acting, and isn't acting the sweet girl we're used to from Frasier. Then there's Valerie Bertinelli. Valerie who? Exactly. Oh, that big girl from Weight Watchers? Yes. Was it even WW? I'm not even sure because I've never paid attention to her, and I don't care to now. She's boring, whiny, and the whole time I just wanted her to shut up. She's supposed to be the focus of the series with her sad story of her soon-to-be-ex-husband becoming engaged to a younger woman. The problem is she is so blah that she isn't likable at all, and I won't be rooting for her underdog performance.

And Betty. Oh, Betty. She's the only reason to watch. The show has her as a sassy, crass octogenarian who clashes especially with Jane Leeves. She's funny, and it's obvious she's a pro who knows comic timing. They favor giving her lines not expected from the elderly, which rather makes it seem like an extension of her SNL hosting duty, but I'm into it. I fully support anything she does. Thank you, Ms. White, for making this program tolerable. I'd live for whatever she is a part of. It could be The Betty White Baby Strangling Hour, and I'd still cherish it on my DVR.

addendum: I just want to say a few more things. This is a fun show, don't get me wrong. Sometimes I expect everything to live up to the hilarity of Cougar Town or the drama of Battlestar Galactica. HIC is a perfectly acceptable show. In the same way that I guess people enjoy How I Met Your Mother. I'm never really going to give a shit about what the plot is, but it will entertain me. OH, and Jane Leeves' legs are INSANE. So hot. She is looking great, so you know, there's always that.

Moves the Booty, Grooves the Booty

From now on, I will replace the word "fail" with "Ciara."

Michael Jackson Decoded

So that's what it's all about.

Say What?

Kelly Bensimon named a drink after herself which contains lemonade, beer, and tequila. Cuntess Luann asked "is that like the Mexican version of a margarita?" Andy Cohen smirked and (at least according to Bravo's editing) looked toward Bethenny as if to ask, "is this bitch for real?"

Kids These Days

I've just discovered the hot summer jam of 2010. . . and it's from 2009. I was listening to an old podcast and heard Mariah Carey's "Obsessed." I can't stop listening to it! Look, I know I'm behind on what's happening with music in general, but give me a break. 2009 was basically a write-off for me, seeing as I was out of commission for a chunk of it. I can't be held responsible for what was happening in the outside world when I was learning to walk again. Anyway, here is the video for it, and I have a couple comments. 1) Mariah is looking GREAT. Oh so good. 2) At first I thought she was kind of cute as a guy, but then I snatched it back when I realized she looks exactly like Wilmer Valderrama.

My Pumps

At work last week I noticed a coworker was taller than usual and complimented her shoes. This prompted someone else to comment that they must have been five-inch heels. I squinted and appraised them for about .25 seconds and said, "three and a half." The other girl busted out a tape measure, and lo and behold, they were 3.5-inch heels. Don't play play on the bang bang.

C-Bombs Away!

What is the world coming to when a 13-year-old girl drops the c-bomb twice on a morning show? I'll tell you what, it's either the Apocalypse or heaven on earth. I'm leaning toward the latter.