This Is Why You're Fat

I was at Subway yesterday, and the fatty behind me spent a good thirty seconds squeezing EVERY bag of Sun Chips--presumptively to find which bag contained the most chips. This is why you're fat.

"Still Eating Your Mom's Dirty Tampons?"

I'm currently obsessing over Reece Thompson. He's a good actor, and he's cute. He reminds me of a young Michael Vartan. He was in a movie with Bruce Willis and Mischa Barton (BLECH), and he played a kid wtih a stutter (not a suttering kid, this is "person first" description) in Rocket Science. I always like a guy with a deformity; be it a limp, missing eye, stutter, or Canadian heritage.

The Bends

Most mornings I wake up with a song playing in my head, even if I forget what it is right away. I awoke at 4:10 a.m. with the Lady Gaga song "Monster" running through my mind.




It proved to be an appropriate theme song. I was having such a bizarre dream that I mentally reviewed it and wrote it down immediately so I wouldn't forget. I've been having trouble remembering dreams lately, so I'm glad I got this one down.

In the dream I traveled with some friends, two girls and a guy, to visit another friend of ours who was working and living at a remote sub glacial station in Alaska. This friend, Jason, was based on a guy I knew in high school. It wasn't actually him, it just looked like him. He's a shorter, adorable fellow. I always thought his real life counterpart was "cooler" than me, but I felt flattered how he deferred to me in Spanish class because I was the know-it-all who never scored below an A+. Anyway, it was immediately apparent that Jason was not right in the head. His coworkers/stationmates were nowhere to be seen, and he didn't have any answers that made sense as to where they were.

We noticed that he had a jagged, fresh scar that wrapped around his right abdomen, but didn't say anything to him about it since it was clear we wouldn't get a coherent response. We also noticed the strange meals that were prepared around the station. They were big lumpy bundles of some kind of meat. Each was sewn together like a pouch with the same poor craftsmanship as Jason's wound. While he was in the bathroom, I opened one, and inside was the head of one of his coworkers. He had been baking their heads wrapped in a sheet of flesh sewn together at the top, like the boned duck in Julie & Julia. I also peeked in on him in the bathroom and saw him stuff a liver (somehow I knew it was a liver) from one of his dead friends into his side, then sew it back up. I figured out he was suffering from severe decompression sickness, like that guy in The Abyss, and part of his delusion was that he would gain strength from eating his comrades and annexing their organs.

My friends and I planned to get the fuck out of there ASAP while he was in the bathroom before he decided to go all Hannibal Lecter on us. Then out of nowhere, Chucky from Child's Play showed up and started chasing us, except he had black and red eyes and shark teeth. WTF?

Hooters Hoors

A few letters on our local Hooters sign were out, and it's oh so appropriate:

Tired Moon

I suffered through two hours of New Moon this afternoon. It was entertaining in that it was terrible and unintentionally funny. Don't get it twisted, it was no Showgirls. Afterward we tried to decide who was the worst actor. It was tough. Kristen Stewart is awful and clearly has difficulty emoting. Her feelings chip must be on the fritz. Robert Pattinson seemed to be concentrating so hard on his lame American accent that he forgot to act. The Cullen family is also the worst, with Alice's peppy vampire portrayal leading the worst pack. And the mother figure has a misshapen head that is so distracting. Bella's father is alright; and I hate to say it, but Taylor Lautner as the werewolf Jacob was decent--even if he suffers from a severe case of gayface (and jailbait). My favorite was hands-down the firecrotch Victoria, who has no lines in the movie. The best moments of the movie were from a chase scene in the woods accompanied by a Thom Yorke song.

Twilight is just annoying and perplexing. There is no reason whatsoever for Bella and Edward to like, totally love each other like they do. Not one. She's an ungrateful bitch who screws everyone else over. Her friends fall over themselves trying to please her, yet she just shits all over them. And how many fucking pairs of denim shorts does werewolf Jacob own?

Termites

I woke up at 6:30 a.m. today with morning wood. Fine, not a problem, it's good to know it's still functioning. The issue is that I wanted to go back to sleep, and it served as a distraction. For some reason, the position of my hand reminded me of my time in a nursing home this summer. I was there for physical rehabilitation, and ever day as I used my walker (and subsequently cane) to hobble to the activity room, I passed this unfortunate boy's room. He was about 21, and got in a terrible car accident when he was 17. He was rendered quadriplegic and has been in that room ever since. During the day, they prop him up in a special vertical apparatus. He sustained massive brain damage, so I don't think he really understood much. He was really attractive, and his family and friends had decorated his room with pictures of cars and nasty hoes from Maxim. Thinking about that was an instant boner assassin. Problem solved.

Let's Paint, Exercise, and Have Miscarriages

I usually enjoy those computer animated movies with a childish glee. Not this Up bullshit. I watched ten minutes and quit. That small portion of the movie is probably what little kids watch on a loop before they hang themselves from their swing sets. Here's a little breakdown: it's a terribly depressing tale of a lonely old man who is crippled by the loss of his infertile wife and then embarks on a journey with a fat Asian kid who is possibly affected by trisomy 21. I'm pretty sure it ends with a suicide pact.

Talk With Your Hips

Here's a hypothetical situation:

Due to something your lovely wife did, you're only child is now deaf and blind. She didn't know anything would happen to your son because of her actions, and you still love the bitch like crazy. Now imagine that you could either live together as a family with a handicapped son and a lump sum of money, OR you can kill your wife and grant your child's hearing and sight back. What do you do?

Clearly you keep the money and the crippled son. I mean, come on. Helen Keller! They taught that bitch how to talk! They made a musical about her! She made out like a fucking bandit!

Do yourself a favor and look up Helen Keller jokes. There are some gems. What did Helen Keller say about the cheese grater you gave her as a birthday present? "What a violent book!"

What did Helen Keller get for Christmas? Polio! She had everything else.

How do you get Helen Keller to keep a secret? Break her fingers.

Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand? So she can moan with the other.

What did Helen Keller's parents do to punish her for swearing? Washed her hands with soap.

The only thing is, a lot of the jokes are based on the assumption that she couldn't speak. She actually did learn to speak in a fashion, but let's pretend she didn't. It's funnier that way.

p.s. From Wikipedia: "As a young woman, Keller's eyes were replaced with glass replicas for 'medical and cosmetic reasons.' " Whoa, sweet. I guess you learn something new each day. Oh, and Sandy Duncan doesn't have a glass eye. Shenanigans!

Dancing Bears

I checked out the Glee pilot when it was previewed in May, and I loved it. I have to admit I teared up a little at the end when they sang "Don't Stop Believing." I was worried that it wouldn't find an audience, but it seems people have really embraced the show. I'm happy for it, even though there are rumors that the people responsible for the show had to pull a little ponzi scheme or something just to get it to air. Whatevs, like you haven't ever turned a trick in a men's bathroom for a sawbuck. Or super-sized fries back when they were available. Anyslut, the plots are stupid, and only serve as devices to have the musical sequences, which are great. Who cares what the excuse is to have a full-on window-smashing number to "Bust Your Windows" by a big black girl? It could be a Nazi parade ode to Hitler, and I'd still love the music.

Matthew Morrison is adorable, even if he overdoes it with his trademark rapey smirk. I don't know about you, but I'd shut up and let it happen. Do you think it would turn off a hardcore rapist if you were SUPER into it? "I love you so much. I want your babies. I can't wait for my parents to meet you. Let's get a minivan."

Other than the window busting song, my favorite was when the pregnant cheerleader sings. Here's a cover of it:




Here's a warning though: if you're not sick of hearing Beyonce's "Single Ladies" yet, episode four will convince you it is the soundtrack that plays on a loop in Hell.

Also, here's a random piece of trivia for Arrested Development fans out there. The principal of the high school is played by the actor who portrayed Nazhgalia, the unbelievably ugly girl GOB sleeps with thinking it will hurt Michael.

But Classy, Though

Ten points to Gryffindor! for anyone who can place the reference for the title of this post.

An recent obsession of mine has been making buffalo chicken wraps when I get home from work. Complete with "Mexican cheddar jack" cheese and sour cream. I don't use the already flavored "buffalo chicken" from the store, but regular chicken tenders and store-bought buffalo sauce. Today as I prepared to assemble my snack, I needed to open a new bottle of sauce. It had plastic wrap around the top, but there was no perforated section to remove that would make it simple. I held the bottle in one hand, and a pair of scissors in the other, and decided that a quick stroke toward the lid would take care of my problem. As I did so, the lid popped off with a portion of the glass intact, and spicy buffalo sauce ejaculated all over the kitchen.

My first thought was of sabrage: when a saber is used to sheer the top off champagne bottles, taking the collar of glass with it. I had to laugh at the déclassé reflection of champagne to buffalo sauce and saber to scissors. I'm perfectly happy with my ghetto, country version.

V for Vagina

"yay, dyke bitch from nip/tuck has her oozy cooze all up in dexter's piece"

Wow I just used the word "cooze" for the first time in I don't even know how long. Seriously, when I think about it, I'm not sure I've ever actually uttered the word. It just makes me feel. . . dirty and shameful. It strikes me as super offensive, like the other C word, but with promiscuous undertones. Alluring, yet tawdry. That sounds like I'm describing a wine.

This '97 Cooze de Fête smells of musk, chocolate, and earth; however, its legs are shit.



Ahhhhhhhhhhhh holy shit I just scarred myself for life:

This is what happens when I Google image search "wine glass vagina" with the filter turned off:
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What is wrong with people??? Oh well, whatever, I hope that bitch got paid a lot and maybe even enjoyed the process. Good for her deadly, scary, Pinhead-from-Hellraiser-looking COOZE.