Who's Your Sniz Demon?

It's like a spirit animal.  But the kind that tempts you and says it's okay to meet up with that cumdumpster from across town and pee on him.  My bff and I have used the term sniz demon for a while now.  Sometimes we succumb to them.  But it helps to put a face and name to the term.  I landed on mine being the genie version of Jafar from Aladdin.

Snizfar.  "Ha your sniz demon is totally a gay Arabian genie."

My friend thinks his is more subtle and calculating.  Here's my take on it:

"OH your sniz demon is like the Wishmaster djinn.  You think you're getting what you want, but in the end, it fucks you.  To death."

We bought pretty matching rings as talismans to ward off the sniz demons, but the spirits prove too strong from time to time.  I've come to accept that it's okay to give in every now and then, but never become a slave to your sniz demon.

Tekken: Blood Vengeance

I watched a fun movie this afternoon called Tekken: Blood Vengeance. It's a CGI movie based on the videogame series. Like the Final Fantasy: Advent Children movie, the fights were spot on, however the plot lacked severely. I found solace in capturing the homoerotic moments. Please enjoy.

Textual Intercourse: Brotherly Love

brother:  Dude John Carter looks cool

me:  I wonder what it's rated

brother:  XXX: John Carter hangs mad dong and fucks 3 tittied green bitches

Let's Talk About Reading: Three Musketeers

I had the extreme misfortune of seeing the Three Musketeers this past weekend.  Brady and I decided to go because we thought it could be some mindless action fun.  And I'm a sucker for Milla Jovovich.  A hot bitch running around doing flips and spins and kicks and swordfighting all in ridiculous old school fashions sounded appealing to me. 

It was a hot ass mess.  And not in a good way.  Sometimes you can watch something ridiculous and still be entertained, but this was punishment.  Random question: why are they called musketeers if they don't even use guns?  Anyway, first of all, have some consistency.  Everyone seems to have a different accent.  French, Italian, English, all bets were off.  For some reason Milla spoke the way she does in the Resident Evil movies or Ultraviolet.  It was so out of place.  She was also a villain.  Which would have been fine, but I was expecting her to be a good guy!  Or at least redeem herself.  Nope.  She was just an unlikable bitch who fucked everyone over for no reason. 

This movie honestly isn't worth much a review, so I'm going to be brief.  The acting was terrible, no surprise there.  TM tried to walk a line between serious action and camp.  It should have picked one or the other.  As it is, it's a mish mash of unfunny lines with absurd fighting sequences.  All the male characters pretty much look alike.  They had to give one villain an eyepatch just so we can distinguish him.  Orlando Bloom looks a little different, like he's trying to pump a 1600s English duke version of Jack Sparrow.  It was rough.  His look was sloppy.  He looked like a shitty faggot on Halloween.  Don't try it, queens, or Sophia Lamar will destroy you.  Milla had some cute outfits, but they kept giving her these oversized hoods that served NO purpose other than to look ridiculous.  At one point when she and Orlando Bloom are about to get it on, he rips off her delicate, sheer flowered hood, and all I could imagine was him saying "girl, that hood is HIDEOUS!"  Then there was d'Artagnan.  This hot little twink (MAYBE 5'8") was written horribly of course, but he was fun to look at.  The only problem was the absurd wig they put him in.  Seriously, it's a Liz Lemon wig.  It was honestly distracting.

Speaking of wigs.  Whatever they had going on with the ginger King Louis XIII was weird.  They tried to make him a lovable fop, but it was clumsy and forced.  Gingers have odd facial hair too, no offense to my ginger friends (wait, do I have any of those?).  They styled his wig just like Geena Davis in A League of Their Own, so I had to laugh every time I saw him.

All in all, if I wouldn't have had Brady there to ridicule the movie with me, I would have walked out.  I did develop contempt for everyone else watching the movie.  People were genuinely laughing at all the "jokes" and stupid slapstick peppered through the movie.  OMG a bird shat on that guy's head!  When the sheep would laugh, Brady and I would look around in wonder and then look at each other as if to say, these bitches disgust me. 

The Amazing Suckling Snake

Got yo titty, bitch!

See, this is what I'm terrified would happen to me.  One time I flung my friend Sunshine's snake away from me because it opened its mouth in face as I was holding it.  Homie don't play that.  I am not Jon Voight, and this is not Anaconda.  Actually, this IS Anaconda, and I am Jennifer Lopez, kicking some snake ass.

Celluloid Classics

Girls Will Be Girls ranks high on my list of stupid movies I can watch all the time.  It's a scathing comedy about drugs, rape, and abortion.  All the women in the film are played by men.  Yeah, big surprise coming from me, I know.  They aren't supposed to be trannies, it just adds to the humor.  The jokes are dirty and just plain wrong.  That's why I love it.  That's why the quotes section of my Facebook profile has a couple selections such as "One?  Coco, I''ve had more children pulled out of me than a burning orphanage?"

If you have the power of sight and vision, I recommend watching GWBG a.s.a.p.  There are also more goodies on YouTube like The Jizz Party and Delivering Coco.  Apparently there is a planned sequel due out in November of 2011.  Yay.  So see the movie, and check out all the videos.

Textual Intercourse

My brother: I didn't see Brittany Murphy's name in the cast list for Sin City 2, did she get in a fight with Robert Rodriguez?

Me: I heard she's doing a zombie movie instead.  That, or Weekend at Bernice's.

Brother: Really?  Why? That's dumb.  She has a shitty career as it is, sin2 would be a step up.

Me: well, anything is a step up from her current career.  She could do porn, but she might have been cremated.  Maybe someone could mix her up and use her as an enema or douche.

Brother: wait what?! cremated!? did she die?!

Me:  oh i thought it was a clever joke. that bitch died many months ago

Brother: oh shit, I forgot.  Oops, how is Sin City 2 going to keep going?

Me: yeah (EYEROLL) she was so vital

Pity Party

Last night was the final of three shitty interactions in one week. They were sad reminders of a harsh reality I can't change, and I really felt like doing some crying. I have this problem where I can't just cry for myself. It started a few years ago, and I'm pretty sure I even know what triggered it. So I won't cry immediately when something terrible happens to me, but I will sob like a fucking baby while watching Disney movies. Something in me says it's okay to redirect it. I don't know how to fix this other than getting to that point and feeling it for myself. That's what I needed to do last night. It was late, so I didn't have the option of watching What Dreams May Come. I settled for the quick solution to bring the tears: the series finale of Six Feet Under. The last sequence gets me every time, and last night was no exception. I quickly burst into suffocating sobs. The kind of crying that literally hurt. Then I felt sorry for myself for a few minutes after that, trying to get it all out. I blew my nose for five minutes and went to bed. I felt so much better this morning and not nearly as melancholy. I've been in a pretty good mood today, in fact. I don't know about you chrome heartless bastards, but I recommend a good cry every now and then. Here's the last few minutes of 6FU, but if you don't already know what happens and plan on watching the show, skip it:

Totaly Disappointing

Until today I haven't owned a legit copy of one of my favorite movies. I was excited to find it in the mail today, but a little dismayed at the tagline on the cover. Please tell me it's not an accident.

Pooping Back and Forth Forever

The innocence of that little kid here is KILLING me. This is going to be my go-to line when I want to gross people out.

Predators

The movie was fun! I mean, it was a stupid action movie, but as far as they go, it was a good one. There was a little gore, which I approve of, but they didn't take it to an absurd level. Of course the premise is stupid, but what else would I expect? It's not going to be some Oscar-worthy drama with predator aliens mixed in.

Onto the meat. By meat, I mean Adrien Brody. He's really a two-face for me. One face is busted and ugly. The other is sexy and rapeable. Hm, I guess spellcheck doesn't like my "rapeable" word. Oh well, I can lobby to get it added to dictionaries. Since you brought up the R topic, there was actually a somewhat funny rape joke in the movie. It involved Topher Grace, who is in his own right rapeable. The joke was something about how this prisoner wanted to rape so many "fine bitches" when he got home. "What time is it? Five o'clock? Time to rape some fine ass bitches." Topher then replies that it is bitch-raping time or something. Nevermind. I guess you had to be there. Anyway, back to the point: Adrien Brody was looking GOOD. He obviously did some bulking for this film, but since he was so skinny to begin with, it works for him. He doesn't look like a juicehead guido. He especially looked good firing guns. I now understand why some straight guys are into watching women shoot guns. At the end he's shirtless and slathered in mud. HOT. Go see Predators if you like blood and sex.

Centipede

I've known about this song for a while now, but I thought I'd finally share the beauty that is the music video. It's "Centipede" by Rebbie Jackson--the eldest of the Jacksons. The song is terrible and somewhat fun. The video is horrendous and amazing. The dance moves. The lightning shooting off everything. The snake. the tiger. The look on Rebbie's face at the very beginning when she lays eyes on the painting. Just amazing. The song makes me feel disgusting though. The first thing I think of is an actual centipede. And not just any centipede--the mukade. i think I might have posted about it before, but here it is again:

The next thing I think of is the movie The Human Centipede: First Sequence (yes, it is the first of a planned trilogy). It's about a sadistic surgeon who attaches a guy's asshole to a girl's mouth and her asshole to another girl's mouth and then tries to train/keep it like a pet. Yikes. I know. Sooo. . . your legacy is somewhat tainted, Rebbie. Sorry, girl!

Well Excuse The Fuck Out Of Me

http://roflrazzi.com/2010/03/23/celebrity-pictures-russell-fat-camp/

Jeez, sorry, you little fat bastard.

Machine Girl

I'm watching an awful and hilarious movie about a Japanese girl on a quest for revenge. It's your average over-the-top gore story where a crazy Yakuza wife batters and fries a poor girl's arm tempura-style. Naturally, she goes on a vendetta, and replaces her yummy arm with a machine gun. The movie is campy, ridiculous and fun. I was really enjoying the performance of a secondary character, so I figured I'd look her up to see if I might like anything else she's done. Her Wikipedia page says she's an AV Idol. What's that? Why, that would be "adult video" idol of course. Porn titles are funny to begin with, but they're even better when poorly translated into English! Here are some of her movies:

Old Romantic Eroticism of Sexy Maid, Lewd Lady and Pure School Girl

Girl Ninja Hot and Brave Story

Three Sisters Ninja Sex

Splash Girl, Whale Cow 05, 10 Girls Squirting Flood!

SOD Rape Hospital The Premium

Analize 3, Genuine Anal Virgin

43 Men Nakadashi Gang Rape

Oh yeah, there's a drill bra this one bitch uses to mash the main character's titties into pulp.

Let's Paint, Exercise, and Have Miscarriages

I usually enjoy those computer animated movies with a childish glee. Not this Up bullshit. I watched ten minutes and quit. That small portion of the movie is probably what little kids watch on a loop before they hang themselves from their swing sets. Here's a little breakdown: it's a terribly depressing tale of a lonely old man who is crippled by the loss of his infertile wife and then embarks on a journey with a fat Asian kid who is possibly affected by trisomy 21. I'm pretty sure it ends with a suicide pact.

Talk With Your Hips

Here's a hypothetical situation:

Due to something your lovely wife did, you're only child is now deaf and blind. She didn't know anything would happen to your son because of her actions, and you still love the bitch like crazy. Now imagine that you could either live together as a family with a handicapped son and a lump sum of money, OR you can kill your wife and grant your child's hearing and sight back. What do you do?

Clearly you keep the money and the crippled son. I mean, come on. Helen Keller! They taught that bitch how to talk! They made a musical about her! She made out like a fucking bandit!

Do yourself a favor and look up Helen Keller jokes. There are some gems. What did Helen Keller say about the cheese grater you gave her as a birthday present? "What a violent book!"

What did Helen Keller get for Christmas? Polio! She had everything else.

How do you get Helen Keller to keep a secret? Break her fingers.

Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand? So she can moan with the other.

What did Helen Keller's parents do to punish her for swearing? Washed her hands with soap.

The only thing is, a lot of the jokes are based on the assumption that she couldn't speak. She actually did learn to speak in a fashion, but let's pretend she didn't. It's funnier that way.

p.s. From Wikipedia: "As a young woman, Keller's eyes were replaced with glass replicas for 'medical and cosmetic reasons.' " Whoa, sweet. I guess you learn something new each day. Oh, and Sandy Duncan doesn't have a glass eye. Shenanigans!

Fuck Jamie Foxx

I saw Law Abiding Citizen tonight. I won't bore you with a review other than saying there are some great death scenes and some good tension. The only thing I really hated was that Jamie Foxx survived. The whole movie had me rooting for the "bad guy" and wishing Foxx would catch a bullet with his brain.

And then there were the loud bitches sitting in front of us. They talked so loudly during the previews. When my brother turned his head to me as if to say, "can you believe these bitches?" I responded that it was only the previews, they'll probably shut up for the movie. They didn't. For a while I thought of what I could say to get them to be quiet. Can you please try to keep it down? or is it okay to just shush people? Shhhh, please? I thought maybe they would appreciate it if I could connect to them with "if you wanna talk through a whole muthafuckin movie, take that ass to Blockbuster, then do that shit at home." Ultimately I decided that actions speak louder than words. So I let loose a horrendously smelly fart and blew it right at them. Yes, I blew them a kiss from a rose. Choke on that, bitches! I laughed for about five minutes and imagined each of the girls thinking the other was such a nasty ho for stinking up the area. The best part is they were noticeably more quite after the incident.

G.I. Joe: Rise Of Cobra; Or, How To Succeed In Raping A Childhood Treasure Without Really Trying

I had the supreme misfortune to see the new G.I. Joe movie recently. It really took absurdity to a whole new level. I was amazed at how poor it was even going into the situation with low expectations. The first sign it would be terrible was that there was no prescreening for critics. That always means the movie is going to be a big bag of shit.

It was nonstop blahblah in-your-face action, boobs, death and bad acting. Apparently a movie was just canceled because Channing Tatum became attached to the project. This should have happened with G.I. Joe. It should have been ABORTED, big time. The writers or the director or the producers should have realized at some point during their shameful collaboration that perhaps they would be better off with Plan B. Not that Channing Tatum isn't talented. Just not in ways that would have helped the film. I personally think a dance battle against Cobra Commander would have been effective. Don't misunderstand. . . replacing him wouldn't change my opinion.

Sienna Miller and Rachel Nichols looked great throughout the whole movie, but then they had to go and make a joke of it by putting Nichols in fitted plastic body armor with a breastplate shaped like generous C cup titties. See above. This elicited loud laughs from my brother and me, but no one else in the theater found it funny! Geez, 12-year-olds these days.

The movie was entertaining at first, painful at times, but then I just kept wanting it to end. But it wouldn't! When I consider it, the film might be so over the top and silly as to be worth the price of admission. I knew it would be bad, and now you know it is, but you might have to see it for yourself to really understand. Perhaps you can go watch it ironically.

The best part of the movie was the trailer for the Avatar: The Last Airbender movie.

The Black Eyed Peas' "Boom Boom Pow" playing during the ending credits was the vomit icing on the shit cake.

That Reminds Me

In high school my friend Nick recommended an anime to me. He just told me it was violent and cool. I somehow obtained it. I think I had to order it from Amazon, but I got the VHS. I quickly realized just how graphic the movie was. Ever heard of tentacle sex? That's basically what the film revolved around. The plot was actually really interesting, but all the monsters with their ruthless multiple tentacle cocks are a bit much. The covers of the movies actually have "warning: absolutely not for children."

In one of the sequels, Nazis try to use a terrifying machine to summon a giant moster. What machine you ask? The death rape machine. Yes. Women get attached to crane arms with dildoes and such and get, well, raped to death. Anyway I just thought of the movie due to the whole Nazi and rape topic. Happy March!