Abominable Snowtrannies

I know these "Shit _____ Say" videos are more tired than a Kardashian publicist, but these three have a few gems spread throughout. I WILL start calling people cumburglar and snowbeast. And of course you already know how I moistened my pants to "so I told that tranny, HOLD UP, shapeshifter." SHALOM

Pickle Surprise

Okay, so I got home and decided to snack on some pickles.  I love pickles.  Like Snooki once said, "pickles is my thing."  So I put 5 in a bowl and added some of the brine from the jar.  Because I like to take a bite, sip a little brine.  Sounds great?  Yes.  So before I even finished the 4th, my tummy was gurgling.  And then it happened.  I sharted myself.  I've been running to the bathroom for an hour now as if I used 10 enemas.  As I was shitting for the first round, it hit me.  I just drank a bunch of salt water.  That's what you do to start most cleanses.  It forces your body to dilute it by drawing water out of your system.  Want to know the fucked up thing?  I FINISHED THE LAST PICKLE.  I figured it's already started, so I might as well.  Thus: impromptu accidental pickle cleanse.

Pooping Back and Forth Forever

The innocence of that little kid here is KILLING me. This is going to be my go-to line when I want to gross people out.

Deep in the Heart of Texas

This is a rating system for your doodies. Which one are you?


Someone wrote "Mexicos sucks" on a bathroom was in Dallas, TX.


This is some little tree bit I noticed. You can guess why. This is about twice its actual size.

I was in Dallas the past couple days for work, and let me tell you IT SUCKED. Even people who live in Dallas hate it. First of all, it was 105 degrees the whole time, so I didn't even bother doing anything outside. My mega-meetings were fine, but I always have trouble during those. The portions that are novel to me are fine because they're at least interesting, but there's a lot of material that these people have to legally cover that I've heard thousands of times. They're very drawn out too. I'm very fidgety to begin with, and sitting in one spot for 8 hours trying to pay attention is difficult. For the parts where I'm not taking notes, I find that there's only one thing I can do to stay awake: doodle. I was constantly drawing in the margins in school, and it actually helps me stay focused and awake. The essential topic of my conference was irritable bowel syndrome with diarrhea. Yeah. IBS-d sounds super fun. I learned all kinds of things, like how to rate your shit in terms of consistency. And that scientists developing new drugs do fun and terrible things like get monkeys addicted to heroin to rate the addictive potential of investigational drugs that contain narcotics. Or that to study the effects of an IBS drug on mice, one has to perform mustard oil enemas on them. Hot stuff. I also learned that I really need to cut back my consumption of tylenol, or my liver is going to be FUCKED. Anyone have tips for dealing with arthritis pain? No? You mean the average person in his 20s doesn't have advice for self-treating acquired arthritis? Fine. Well, check out a couple doodles I banged out. One is my depiction of IBS, and the other side is just. . . I don't know. Just tell me you like it. Oh, I'm also including a couple random shots of things I encountered during my day and half in Texas.

Aw Shit All Over Ya Face, Kid

I don't know what triggered this, but I spent a good five minutes today thinking about a nasty story from a while ago. Back in the day my old swim team trained in the morning at an outdoor pool during the summer. The pool was closed one morning when we arrived, but none of the staff would tell us why. I later got the scoop from a friend who was lifeguarding at the time. You see, the majority of people who show up at 5:30 a.m. to do laps are OLD. It seems one such old lady was enjoying a refreshing swim in the brisk water when, oh no!, her colostomy bag broke! She must have been eating overtime at a salmonella buffet the night before, because apparently, there was a shit trail of her frantic movements. The bag of mostly liquid shit busted while she was swimming, so the woman raced to the ladder at the side of the pool. Her shit trail then led to the ladies' locker room where she made it to a toilet. Oh but the fun doesn't stop there. She managed to fuck this toilet's world up and move to another stall. She somehow got everything under control and hightailed it the fuck out of there, leaving enough DNA to make an army of old, dirty, shameful broads. Thankfully the staff didn't let us swim that morning, but it wouldn't have surprised me if they had.



Ah, shitting in pools brings back such memories! When I was very young, my parents put me and my brother in day care for a while. It was through the local YMCA, and I don't remember much of it. But I do remember one fateful day. They made us play every now and then, and this particular day I really had to shit. I don't know why I didn't just say so! I just clung to the ladder with one hand and pulled my speedo (yes, speedo) aside with my other while I kept an out for anyone looking at me suspiciously. I let a few turds go, and I felt much better. I just swam away and acted like nothing happened. I don't remember actually seeing them in the pool, but I remember the fallout. No one would admit to doing it, and in my head I was kind of able to trick myself into believing I was innocent! You know how children and OJ Simpson can do that? Our punishment was way harsh, Ty. We weren't allowed to watch The Chipmunks cartoon that day! I lived for that shit. Well, the Chipettes, really, because they song hot 80s songs. And I liked the nerdy bitch with the glasses.

Going to hundreds of swim meets as a kid can get really boring at times. When we wanted to liven things up and perhaps buy some time between events, we'd make sure facility staff noticed turds in the pool. Not real turds, but usually food in bar form. Powerbars looked alright from far away, but you needed a Baby Ruth or a Mounds to really sell it.