"Your Poison Womb Is Making Heaven Too Fucking Crowded"

I just discovered a prank section of a funny website.

Zack Parsons is clearly a genius and master wordsmith. His sense of humor is right up my alley and is making my panties wet.

First read the source. It's long but well worth it.

Then check out his chat with a deadbabymama.

Fatherhood

I'm just going to share my favorite part of the recent G's To Gents with you. The suave fellow you see above has a baby mama at home, and he receives a phone call alerting him to his situation:

Friend: I got some bad news. You got twins on the way, boy.

Oh snap, let's see what his BM has to say about it:

Baron: Whatchu finna do about that?
BM: Whatchu think I'm gonna do about that?
Baron: You don't need money tho? (the subtitle on the screen actually appeared as "tho.")
BM: Yes I do. Badly.

Was I the only thinking she needed money for a 2 for 1 special on unbirthing? Damnit, I know I had that coupon around here somewhere!

By the way, there are way too many pages for definitions of abortion on Urban Dictionary to read at the moment, but here's a good one:


7.
abortion
795 up, 749 down
The hilarious procedure in which a soon-to-be ugly baby is instead destroyed before it has a chance to wreak havoc on the world.

Contrary to popular belief, abortion is actually a life saving procedure. The rate of aborted babies that went on to commit murder is 0%, a percentage significantly lower than the rate of unaborted babies.

When it comes to "when life begins", a poll of aborted babies concluded that none of them minded being aborted too much. Their response was similar to that of a pool of semen, who were also not very distressed at not getting a chance at life.

Abortion should be a mandatory procedure for anyone not capable of raising a child, or with genes deemed "unsatisfactory."

Adoption Agencies should eliminate all of the infants they get. (but only if they haven't recieved their soul from god yet!!)
by IEATLIVEPUPPIES Apr 28, 2005

Problem Solving

A few minutes ago I had a question. I wanted to know the price of a particular product. I went to Google and typed in "how much does" when the drop down menu anticipated my question. Third from the bottom was my burning question, and its shameful, slutty cousin was second from the top. There sure are a lot of pregnant ladies out there who don't want to be. Or pissed off husbands/boyfriends/hookups who don't want to pay child support or deal with crotchfruit. Angelmaking can be quite expensive depending on when you have to relocate the embryo. Just think of it like this, prospective unparents: it's an investment!

Aaaaand There It Is

Lo and behold, next episode of GG had a pregnancy scare, but there was no actual pregnancy. Damn. I caught a few minutes of Millionaire Matchmaker with that fugly Patti chick. She was going through pictures of prospective clients, a.k.a. gold diggers, who want to be in the club: "Attractive, attractive, no. (Holds up a particular photo) What's with the hair up? You gotta tell the girls stop putting their hair up. And, like, if I were a guy and I saw this, even on a internet site, would I date this person? Uh, like, NOT." I just happened to recognize the unfortunate gold digger wannabe as Sarah (Agor) from VH1's Scream Queens. You know, the ugly Jewess who couldn't act for shit.



Oh, while I was submitting a definition of "Angelmaker" to Urban Dictionary, I found a few good euphemisms for abortion:

• embryo relocation
• life avoidance
• plan A (okay, that one is mine)
• problem solving

Fetus Interruptus

I'm watching the first season of Gossip Girl. I'm not very far into the episodes, so maybe this will happen later, but one thought keeps coming back to me. What does this show really need? A good old-fashioned pregnancy scare. Even better--one complete with an angelmaker. That always spices things up. But these days Plan B is available without a prescription, so the issue isn't quite as fun. Plan B does however require one to at least be responsible enough to remember to obtain it within so many days of intercourse. If it's too late for that, you can always just party like crazy for a week or two and nip that in the bud.

XOXO

I Heart Slang

Anybody who knows me knows that I find the humor in every situation. Abortions included. Please to read:
Falcon Punch :
The act of intentionally punching a pregnant female in the stomach, so as to cause miscarriage. Shouting the phrase "Falcon PUNCH!" is optional.
Man A: "Oh man, I got this chick pregnant..."
Man B: "How about I do you a favor and give her the ol' Falcon Punch?"

OR as I like to call it, THE ANGELMAKER!