Gossip Sniz

Oh, Gossip Girl. How I love and hate you. I like to watch it and chat with my friend Brady about how awful it is. We have fun. So this shit show is back for a third season. There's not much to say other than everyone is in a heated competition for who can be The Worst. There can be only one (worst)!

Dan is still a douche. A gullible douche. And he needs a haircut STAT.

Chuck should have just died. Now he's fucking the actress who played Fleur Delacour in the Harry Potter movies. She bothers me. Mostly because I've seen her topless for some French movie. Not what I wanted to see.

The parents haven't had much of a chance to prove just how shitty they can be.

Nate is still pretty and just begging for a face full of cock.

Blair is still a cunt. Surprise.

Vanessa. Yuck. This gypsy bitch is still slumming around. GO BACK TO HAITI, BITCH. No one wants you here. At least she combed some of the dreads out. A bitch wears so much chunky jewelry, you can hear her coming from two blocks away.

Then there's Serena. Woof. First of all, she spent this latest episode dressed like a hooker extra from Night Court. See the above picture. That's really the only reason I wanted to write this post. Just. . . ugh. Just soak it in, and deal with that shit for a minute.

I apologize if you were expecting something more substantial here. My feelings can best be expressed by a still from an episode of Sex and the City:

Little Gems

My friend Brady and I like to text each other Gossip Girl-style text blasts of horrible people we see. I sometimes also tweet good ones, so I guess it might be worth following me on Twitter. There should be a link in the sidebar. Or don't, which in that case, fuck you. Anyway, here is one such blast I received today:

"Spotted: terrible faggot or regular lesbian"

It's true; they are sometimes interchangeable.

Textual Intercourse

(about Serena van der Woodsen on Gossip Girl)
she's still wearing her ridic outfit
Brady: ?
me: from when she met her dad at the helicopter
Brady: oh
me: her slutty spy outfit or whatever
Brady: yeah when she teleported herself there
me: with her sniz witch powers
Brady: I was going to say with her Sailor Slut powers
me: Gutter Crystal Power!
Brady: SNIZ Star Power MAKE UP!
me: what would her attack be?
Brady: Dumpster Fire BLAST

What Is Wrong With Me?

While watching the recent episode of Gossip Girl and tearing it apart with a friend, I had a great idea. Someone should write an episode inspired by Battle Royale, in which the characters are forced to kill each other. I'm too lazy to write a long piece involving everyone, but here is a short one featuring Serena and Vanessa. I should probably edit this and flesh it out some, but I'm lazy and tired. I guess I won't reveal any other ideas for a series in case I get motivated to write more. Please to enjoy:


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Serena’s grip on the tree trunk tightened when she felt the breeze sway its boughs. She had surprised herself by scaling the giant pine so quickly. Her talons proved useful renting the bark to scale to a point where her prey couldn’t spy her insectile form.

The wind brought a faint jangle of what could only be chunky Bohemian jewelry and the scent of patchouli. Squinting, Serena whipped her head toward the noise. She sharply exhaled the musky odor while watching Vanessa slowly make her way along the path below. Vanessa was dressed in earthy camouflage in order to blend in with the—wait, no; it was just her billowy peasant blouse and matching gypsy skirt that fit in seamlessly with the environment. Her ratty, teased hair matched the drab earth perfectly, but Serena’s senses were too keen to be fooled.

Vanessa felt inspired by the nature surrounding her and stopped, pulling out her small writing pad she kept on her person for just such occasions. She felt the spirit of Henry David Thoreau coursing through her as she jotted down the first line of what would be her masterpiece: “When I wrote the following pages, or rather the bulk of them, I lived alone, in the woods. . .” Yes, she thought, I’ll call it Walden, by Vanessa Abrams.

Serena saw her chance to strike, but couldn’t resist toying with her victim before the kill. She silently removed her underwear with an internal thank you that the Plan B had worked and she wasn’t pregnant with Nate Archibald, Tripp Archibald or Carter Baizen’s child. Otherwise she wouldn’t be menstruating, which is the only time she ever wore panties; and she would be denied her fun. She let the silky couture undergarment flutter to the ground at Vanessa’s bare, Hobbit-like feet with a smug feeling of triumph that it would be the most expensive article of clothing to come in close contact with the gutter churl.

Vanessa halted her glorious writing process and bent down to get a better look at what had dropped before her. She turned the smooth material over in her many-ringed fingers with a confused look on her wizened, beyond-her-years face. Serena loosened her hold on the tree and let herself drop directly above Vanessa as she spread her legs in midair. The gypsy touched the dark stain on the underwear. Her eyes widened with realization.

She would recognize those blood clots anywhere. Vanessa heard the telltale whooshing of air rushing through a cavernous orifice and looked up too late. Serena’s gaping vagina swallowed Vanessa whole and was already beginning the digestion process. Inner teeth went to work gnashing brittle, osteoporotic bones (Vanessa was vegan and lacked a vital source of calcium from milk), and acidic fluids melted away at the scant meat available. In a matter of hours there would be nothing left but tacky jewelry.

Serena squinted and drew her mouth into a creepy smile with a rumble of her gut. She was still hungry, but that would have to wait. She had to prepare for a formal gala where she suspected all her family and friends might end up by happenstance. She decided that her next meal would be her brother Eric; no one cared about him anyway. Not that Rufus or their mother Lily would think to inquire about him, but if they did, she would just tell everyone that he went to live in Vietnam. Or died of super AIDS.

Is This Trick For Real?

One of my best friends was kind enough to forward an interesting email to me. It is the dress code for those young women crazy enough to be rushing the Cornell sorority DDD. She knew I would appreciate it that much. There's so much I could do with this, but I want to keep its original format mostly intact. You'll find my comments in bold. This list is obviously written by some übercunt Blair Waldorf wannabe, and I both love and hate her based on this text alone. Let the fuckery begin:


CLOTHING.
Round I & II: “Casual chic”
Bottoms:
Yes:
Medium-to-dark or black skinny or straight jeans
Dark skinny or straight cords
"Denim-legging" is appropriate as long as it's done right: aka, notfrom American Apparel and worn with chic, cool chunky boots over themand a longer top. NO camel toe. Seriously? Bitches have to be told this?
No:
Super "Flared leg" pants
Cropped pants. Ugh. What are these anyway? Capris? Cropped make them sound like you cut out the ugliest part of the pant. Perhaps the part that contains the cankles?
Bleached/very light or TORN jeans I don't care if they're in style.
Khakis What's wrong with khakis? I mean, I guess you can end up looking like a lesbian or you work at Best Buy.
Leggings worn as pants I'm torn here. Some girls can really pull off this look, but it's become a go-to of. . . curvy women.
Muffin tops or extreme low rise!! No fatties! No slutsies!
Tops:
Yes:
Blouses: flowy, pretty material. No mention of what constitutes "pretty material."
Sweaters or other long-sleeved shirts, V or Crew.
Cardigans (with longer tank top under preferably)
Blazers: Yes, please! I love a casual top with a cool boyfriend blazer over it
No:
Summer pattern/colors, too tight or too short shirts or blouses!
Low-cut
Sleeveless
Tank tops
Frumpy
Preferably no short sleeves-- recommended: full coverage aka elbow length baby Jesus help you if you have ashy elbows, 3/4 length, long, thin layers.
Shoes:
Yes:
Nice flats: Tory Burch, etc. More evening-ish, understated. Patent leather good.
Heels: mid-height. This round is still "casual", so no sky-high hookerheels! but later on, anything goes! I'm thinking mid-height Mary Jane heels, or mid-height chunkykate spade, etc.
Boots: love. Chunky or simple/elegant, heel on the lower side to flat. The only chunky thing about you should be your heels. Worn OVER pants
No:
Open-toed! AGREED. Don't nobody wanna see your gnarled, chitinous toes curling over the edge of your pump looking like a shrimp cocktail.
WHITE REVERSE RACISM. On a side note, I really don't like the term "reverse racism." It implies only Caucasians can be racist. Trust, I know Koreans who to this day HATE the Japanese.
Strappy
High-heeled/going out boots.
If you're wearing cheapo shoes, make sure they don't look it. Like everything else about you, it's okay to be cheap as long as you don't look it.


Round III, House Tours: "Business Casual"
Bottoms:
Yes:
Slacks/Dress Pants: dark gray or black, aka "full length pants of non-jeans material"
Skirts: pencil *if you must wear a skirt, can't be "cocktail", needs to look sharper) No.2 Pencil skirts only, ladies!
If wearing a skirt, tights are necessary! Good point. You don't want to go flaunting those burns and cuts you gave yourself last month when daddy wasn't paying enough attention to you.
Dresses: an informal dress with appropriate skirt length.
No:
Slacks that are too short. It's my pet peeve. Isn't this just common sense?
Mismatched socks/pants. No "socks" at all you buried the lead, dumbass!--they should be hose material.
Tops:
Yes:
Blouses
Oxfords/Button-downs
Nice sweaters, light material like silks (silk is not satin poor people).
Shoes:
Yes:
Heels. PRETTY HEELS.
Heeled boots if you must but I'm going to judge you for it.
No:
"Fuck-Me-Pumps"
Tacky/cheapo/pleather. Don't mess with me. Seriously. If you show up wearing that shit, I swear to Tyra I will put the fucking heels through your eyeball.
Note: everyone needs a pair pretty heels and nice slacks in life in general--it's a good investment. Because how else are you going to snag a husband?


Round IV, Skit & Philanthropy: Step up from Business Casual, not yet "Cocktail".. think brunch, somewhere cool and chic. HUGE FUCKING EYE ROLL.
Bottoms:
Yes:
Skirts: pencil or nicer. Again, this is referring to an imaginary hierarchy created by a useless twat that doesn't even feel the need to share.
Formal slacks
Dresses: less formal than cocktail, think like lunch party. I'm lost.
No: Same "nos" as above.
Tops:
Yes: Same as above but dressier, more nighttime.
No: " "
Shoes:
Yes: Same as above but dressier, more nighttime.
I like boots with dresses if they go and look cool together. Yes, that's not at all subjective.
No: " "


Round V, Preference: "Cocktail"
Dresses.
Yes:
Appropriate knee and sleeve length.
Winter colors
Tights
Shaved legs
No:
Spaghetti straps.
Sleeveless--unless you have really good arms.
Satin. No one looks good in satin dresses unless its from BetseyJohnson or Dolce and Gabbana, you weigh less than 130 pounds, have 3pairs of spanks on and it's New Years Eve. But what if you're 4'6" and built like Snooki? That's a special case, because she is allowed to wear whatever crazy ass cupcake titty outfit she wants.
Cleavage Why can't the girls ever come out to play??
Frumpy/maternal/knit Um, but what if you're actually knocked up?
Shoes: Same guidelines as above, but remember this is the nicest roundso make sure you're wearing heels that you could wear to a cocktailparty. I like patent leather, I like chunky-er heels that are infashion right now, and I like boots with dresses as long as they're'right'. Also guys, it's winter. Put on some tights. Yeah, because that will keep you warm.
Yes:
Close Toe
Peep Toe
Boots
Booties if you can pull them off aka probably not. ZING

No:
Cork
Strappy
White
Summery


Additional Notes on Clothing:
I'm weird about shoes. So please do it right.
I'm going to be doing dress checks so have your outfits for each round completely figured out before you get to Ithaca. Freal, bitch? You mad.
If you do not know if something is appropriate/works, email me a picture of it and I shall discuss things with you. How the hell does she have time to review submissions from the scores of sycophants who are sure to email her?



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ACCESSORIES.
Accessories: I expect EVERYONE to be wearing accessories. This is animportant part of every outfit and can make or break many ensembles. Make that ANY ensemble. Come on, son, you know better.
Earrings:
Yes:
Studs: diamond or pearls or something that's just adorable.
Huggies
Hoops: Sparkly or gold or silver. Not tooooo big. A general rule: the bigger the hoop, the looser the vag.
Something hippie-chic and cool.
No:
Chandaliers.
Obnoxious piercings.
Feathers (I know I'm just saying) As if this is so obvious she shouldn't have to list it.
Neon/plastic.
Necklaces:
Yes:
Pendents.
Coins
Pearls
Statement
No:
Plastic
Chokers
Ribbon overkill
More than 2
Bangles/Bracelets:
Yes:
Bangles (coordinating or at least looking like they do)
Bracelets " "
No:
Plastic
Overkill
Charm anything we aren't 5 unless I say it's beautiful
Neon
Watches: Another thing I'm weird about. Nothing that has indiglo or atimer on it is going to be present so forget it. I will have the timeand will keep you informed so unless your watch is a piece of jewelryyou don't need it. Put a bangle on instead.
Rings: Yes yes yes.
Yes:
Statement
Cocktail
Class
Celebration
Vintage
No:
Mood
Chain
Forever 21
Wooden
Plastic
Additional Notes on Accessories:
I'm also weird about accessories. I'm not saying you have to be wearingthe Harry Winston wreath for me to like it, but I am saying I will nottolerate any gross plastic shizzz. Remember: less is more. I lovethings on wrists, and I demand earrings if your ears are pierced. She's all about always having her holes filled. However, as usual, use common sense--If you are wearing a statementnecklace, you can't wear "statement" earrings. Keep things coordinated,simple, pretty, and fashionable. Remember, if you don't know, ASK!That's what I'm here for!


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HAIR, MAKEUP & HANDS.


MY FAVORITE. These are life lessons so read carefully.
Face: Your skin is your base. Your face is your starting point---Ifyour skin doesn't look good, nothing else will. Remember, no fuggies! Always remember that.So unless you are Chloe Hall or Carolyn Franco Am I supposed to know who these bitches are, or am I just old?, chances are you need todo something about your skin. I preferably like Tinted Moisturizer.
Yes:
Some kind of tinted moisturizer or light foundation.
Light cover up
Blush. This is not optional. So clown up yo faces, ladies!
Brows: make sure they look good. Get waxed!!!! Oh no, I just got mine threaded! What do I do??
No:
Caked on foundation
Dark blush or weird bronzer
Too obvious cover up. Just don't have blemishes at all. We don't want you.
Notes: You are young, so make yourself look like it. Fresh, pretty,feminine, cool = these are the code words. You don't need to pile onthe makeup, but you need to look like someone they'd die to hang outwith. If I ever say that I would die to hang out with someone, go ahead and kill me.
Lips: Another thing I'm weird about. If you haven't noticed, this Nazi is "weird" about everything. Oh, and weird = mean. You need to have color on your life. Otherwise you will look like ghost. Yes you will. Except for you Negroes. But not to worry, we won't be letting you in anyway.
Yes:
Lipstick: as long as it's pretty and young and soft.
Lipgloss: light, colorful, dewy
Moisturize moisturize moisturize!!! Nothing is uglier than cracked lips.
No:
Dark
Obvious liner Sorry, cholas, you're out.
Mustaches
Chapped lips
Eyes: This isn't Johnny O's people. Glitter/smoky eyes is nothappening. It's daytime, you eyes should defined and refined, less ismore.
Yes:
Liner
Mascara
Light shadow: champagnes, nudes, etc. Light pink looks surprisingly good on most people.
No:
Dark hues
Glitter
Sultry. It's noon people. And these are girls, not laxers. No need toseduce them with caked on black eye makeup. And if anyone likes to trythat, it's me, don't get me wrong. Just saying. Seriously though, girls go overboard too often with the raccoon eyes. Lil' Jenny Humphrey just looks skanky and cracked out.
Hair:
Clean
Cut
Out of your face
Freshly colored, if you get your hair colored.
Yes:
Half up half down
Chic, high ponytails
Down
No:
Weird accessories like plastic glittery butterflies. If you use a clip or bobby-pin make it simple, pretty, and understated.
Sloppy buns/ponytails
Nails: you best have a mani pedi when you get to Ithaca. The better to claw your eyes out with.
Wait. What about headbands? Blair Waldorf always rocks a headband. How am I supposed to know if it's permissible?

Additional Notes on Hair, Makeup & Nails:
Wear perfume
Wear deoderant
Get waxed, cut, colored and groomed!!!! Mani and pedi prior to Ithaca!!! Damn, we get it. Get your fucking nails did. But....press-ons? French tips? What are the no-no colors?? Guidance, woman, give me guidance!

RE: "Valley Girls" Gossip Girl Spinoff

It's nice to see that

Cynthia Watros is still

Getting work these days

TheRapist for $500, Please

Okay just one more quick thing about Gossip Girl. Every time the character of Chuck Bass becomes somewhat humanized, I recall the incident in the first episode in which he practically raped little Jenny. I saw what you did there, Chuck Bass, and I just want you to know it's mildly offputting.

Gossip Twat

I won't torture you with a recap or anything, just a moment and a couple lines that stood out. Serena is out shopping with socialite friend Poppy Lifton [rolls eyes], who is clearly 35 years old. Poppy says "a girl like you should be on the arm of a designer of a costume ball one day, yachting around the Maldives the next. Not making up and breaking up with the same high school boy and feuding with your frenemy." I think that's really sound advice to a high school senior. Who needs school anyway? When you're a social, all you need is a raging eating disorder and a semi-functioning mouth and vagina, and the world is your oyster!

Shooting The Duck

That reminds me of my friend Jay. A while ago he asked his parents for some money to help out with purchasing winter clothing. They quiesced, thinking he wanted a warm coat or the like. No. He was intent on getting fingerless Chanel gloves. I said "Jay, those aren't even gloves. You can't call them that. They don't qualify." He still wanted the glovelets. I don't think he ended up getting them, and I'm rather glad. The only place those are appropriate are on a 12-year-old girl's hands at a Gossip Girl-themed rollerskating party. Well, Lila, you could probably pull it off. Jay, I love you, but stick to bowties.

Aaaaand There It Is

Lo and behold, next episode of GG had a pregnancy scare, but there was no actual pregnancy. Damn. I caught a few minutes of Millionaire Matchmaker with that fugly Patti chick. She was going through pictures of prospective clients, a.k.a. gold diggers, who want to be in the club: "Attractive, attractive, no. (Holds up a particular photo) What's with the hair up? You gotta tell the girls stop putting their hair up. And, like, if I were a guy and I saw this, even on a internet site, would I date this person? Uh, like, NOT." I just happened to recognize the unfortunate gold digger wannabe as Sarah (Agor) from VH1's Scream Queens. You know, the ugly Jewess who couldn't act for shit.



Oh, while I was submitting a definition of "Angelmaker" to Urban Dictionary, I found a few good euphemisms for abortion:

• embryo relocation
• life avoidance
• plan A (okay, that one is mine)
• problem solving

Fetus Interruptus

I'm watching the first season of Gossip Girl. I'm not very far into the episodes, so maybe this will happen later, but one thought keeps coming back to me. What does this show really need? A good old-fashioned pregnancy scare. Even better--one complete with an angelmaker. That always spices things up. But these days Plan B is available without a prescription, so the issue isn't quite as fun. Plan B does however require one to at least be responsible enough to remember to obtain it within so many days of intercourse. If it's too late for that, you can always just party like crazy for a week or two and nip that in the bud.

XOXO

Palm, Meet Forehead

Becaues I don't have enough reasons to be unhappy, I started watching Gossip Girl. I was flabbergasted when I saw the below video in an episode.



Do real choirs do this shit? Fergie's "Glamorous" a capella is. . . interesting? I would personally love to see a choir give the same treatment to Akinyele's "Put It In Your Mouth." I'm actually really digging this guy's version:



This is the kind of music I liked as a kid. I bought and memorized Lil' Kim's Hard Core when I was 13. Somehow I don't think there were too many 13-year-olds who know every word to songs like "Fuck You" and "Big Momma Thang." I loved how the first track led right into "Big Momma Thang." It's a skit of a guy at a porn theater who gets a small popcorn and an extra large butter. He then proceeds to jerk it to Kim's movie using the butter, and right after he yells "Work it, bitch!" the track starts. Priceless.