Showing posts with label birthday. Show all posts
Showing posts with label birthday. Show all posts

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Oops. My Bad.


I try to keep my friends on Facebook limited to people who are actually relevant to my life. I noticed someone today who I had only briefly interacted with, and even that was a while ago. I decided to defriend him, which is something I find really fun. It turns out it's his birthday. Happy birthday, let's never talk again!

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Happy Birthday, Brady!


The tinkle of broken glass and drunken laughter fills the air as you reach for the closest empty bottle of Bud Light (buy American!). DD’s hand closes around yours, sending a jolt of desire through your body. He flings the bottle off the balcony at someone he could only assume was a filthy Mexican living in this great country illegally, but really it is just a shitty faggot neighbor who likes to self-tan. DD kisses you roughly and pulls you into his bedroom. He wastes no time in unzipping his Levi jeans and pulling his thick cock out of his American flag boxers. He shoves it down your throat, making you swallow every inch of his country sausage. He pumps away mercilessly, then pulls out and beats you while calling you “Rodney King.” You go back to work on his sweet member as he pulls on his pointy white hood. DD increases his pace as he slams himself into your wide open mouth. He tilts his head up to look at the poster of George W. Bush he has fixed on his ceiling for just these occasions. He winks at it, rams his cock past your lips two more times and pulls out, telling you to get ready for the fireworks. He spurts all over your face, somehow ejaculating red, white and blue; he yells “party in the U.S.A.!”

Monday, February 15, 2010

To My Friend On Her Birthday


Happy birthday, Lila! I love you this much:


His choppy hair brushes your eyelashes as you tenderly kiss him. You move it out of the way so you can peer admiringly into his eyes lined with makeup. He gets a little annoyed because he spent over twenty minutes flat ironing it to its asymmetrical perfection this morning. You get the point and move down his torso, pulling up his black and white striped shirt. You gently kiss his navel, but he shies away because the safety pin piercing he gave himself last week is still quite sensitive. With great difficulty, you undo his studded leather belt with your teeth then begin the arduous task of removing his skin-tight black jeans. After some time and not a little sweat, you peel off the leggings that were beneath the pants. You eye the throbbing bulge of his crotch hungrily and tear off his pink and white women’s-style briefs. His erect cock bursts free and wags at you as you notice his completely shaved pubes and balls. Look at this fucking hipster.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Happy Birthday!


Happy 41st Birthday, Jennifer Anniston! Here's to another sad, loveless year of your biological clock ticking away ominously.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009