Just Because

This shit makes me laugh so hard:

Rock Me Sexy Jesus

Remember Justin Bobby from the Hills? The straight hairdresser who was a total dick to Audrina every chance he got? All recent pictures I've seen of him show him with short hair, and it saddens me! I didn't realize it until now, but he was way hot with the long hair. He had the whole Hot Jesus thing going on. I'm usually not attracted to guys with such long hair, but I dig his. Maybe it's some strange complex I have being a Jew. I just want to be all up on him like, "grrr, yeah, I'm gonna fuckin crucify you! Ooooh, take that spear, bitch! Die for my sins!"

Ground Up White Babies and Nutmeg

There's a really sketchy restaurant not too far from where I live that specializes in "tasty fish and chicken." I noticed one a few years ago across town, and I told myself I would never ever go there. Then I see that one pops up by my house. Oh fuck no. My dad and I decided to try it out last night. They "make everything to order," so it took forever. Which was fine considering the show I got to watch. After waiting at the register for about 5 minutes, a large black woman saunters up and asks for our order. We all know how I feel about her already! She was great, but her wig was DEAD WRONG. She must have been about 70 years old, because if she were white she would look 50, and the only black woman that hasn't aged well is Star Jones. Well, or Whitney Houston, but crack is whack and makes black crack! So she's taking our order and swatting off this cute little girl who was hassling her, whose closest relationship to the old lady could be grandmother, even though she might call her "Mom." Little girl is hitting Grandma/Momma with her baby doll, and GMA/MA has finally had enough. She snatches it right quick from the little girl, hides it where she can't reach it, and says "now you ain't got no baby! Aaaaand what?!" I couldn't help but think she'll hear those exact words in a few years after a requisite Falcon Punch. It really warmed my heart.



I also noticed bean pies on the menu. I immediately started laughing inappropriately because of that episode of Weeds in which Nancy asks Vaneeta what's in bean pies. Her answer: "Ground up white babies and nutmeg."

Happy ChakaKhan-ukkah!

Scream it, black lady, scream! Happy holidays, assholes. I'm half Jewish and was raised so. Well sort of, in a half-assed way. To this day I don't know what religion my mother was reared in, if any. When I was little and I asked her, she told me she was Gentile. I thought it was a legit answer. That bitch played me! She probably thought it was pretty funny too. I don't think my Jewish relatives found it very funny when I reported that my mother was raised in the Gentile religion. Whatevs.

My Precious

I woke up early yesterday and decided to walk to work. Not my best idea. Lovely Midwest weather has left layers of ice on EVERYTHING. It took my twice as long as it should have to get to work, and I had to geisha-walk the whole way. Since it was warming up to above freezing, even at 7:00 a.m., there was water draining everywhere on top of the ice. It was so bad at one point, I literally had to cross running water. So bad in fact that if I had been protecting a precious ring forged in the darkest pits of Mordor, the ringwraiths chasing me wouldn't have been able to follow. Yes, I am a nerd. Dork. Dweeb. Geek. What? I'ma still cutcha, bitch! I think a picture of Ryan Seacrest is more than appropriate. He's kind of like a hobbit, right?

Dopplegangers

Famous twins separated at birth. . .
Flavor Flav and Gollum:



Steven Cojocaru and Chastity Bono:

It's Like I'm Walking On Sunshine

Awesome. The best part is what she says at the very end. . .

I'm Going to Sit at the Welcome Table One of These Days, Hallelujah!

Note: The following occurred the week of 10-20-2008

My dad is dating this woman who's totally cool, and we get along great. On Monday she found out about some course that was offered through some odd self-help type "life center." I know, totally sounds like a cult. She didn't know much about it other than it was a class for people who want to understand more about addictions. She told me this Tuesday morning, and it started Tuesday evening. I wasn't really interested, but I couldn't think of a good excuse so I agreed to check it out. She warned me that it might mention God a few times, which is cool with me. She also said it was held in a church, but only because that way they were able to host the classes there for free, also not an issue for me. So I get there, enter, and feel relieved that I didn't burst into flames. The class is free, but you have to buy the workbook, which is $20. One of the guys running it told me I could pay the next week, so I figured I would just do that even though I had cash on me. Now the class meets once a week, men on Tuesdays, women some other day. There were maybe 10 people including the 2 facilitators. This totally hot guy sat next to me (this was his sescond time taking the class), but everyone else was middle-aged, bald, and all kinds of BUSTED. The older teacher introduces the "Genesis Process" as a way to deal with and overcome addictions and spiritual maladies. Including: gambling, drugs, alcohol, sex addiction, HOMOSEXUALITY, ETC. I was like "uh oh." Then I started wondering, "maybe this dude next to me is here to overcome his RAGING homosexual urges." He had a wedding band, and it WAS his second time through the course, so maybe he could easily be swayed to deviate! Anyway, I let the instructor do his thing and talk while I started skimming through the book to see what I'm in for. The intro of the book is all about how "we as Christians" blah blah blah, "let Jesus into your heart" yada yada yada. Shit. I read more, and it specifically mentions homosexuality as a "sin," "loss of control," and "coping behavior." A "symptom of an underlying problem." Fuck. there are tons of prompts and exercises like "What would Jesus say about this?" Or "read Romans 10 and respond in light of your own coping behavior." I was just about the only person who didn't bring a personal copy of the New Testament to refer to. My dad's gf was sorely misinformed. The book even mentioned "demonic influences." And there was pseudoscience bullshit that the author clearly had no real grasp on. It was some cult shit. I was thinking, "shit, bring on the cynide kool-aid!" After 10 minutes I knew it was NOT for me. But I tried to be polite and stay. But I kept seeing myself in my head closing the book and leaving. Finally after 45 minutes, I was like "fuck this." I laid the book on the table, grabbed my bag, and went to the exit without saying a word. I got to the door and thought "damn, it's cold." I realized that I had left my sweater in the room. My first instinct was to leave it and chalk it up to the price I had to pay to get the hell out of there, but it's one of my favorites and so cute! I pulled my phone out to pretend like I was doing something important with it and went back in the room. No one says anything, and no one's paying attention to me. Then I grab for the sweater from the back of the seat causing the chair to nearly tip over. Everyone's looking at me, so I wiggled my phone as if to blame it for the interruption, got the sweater, and whispered "sorry." Then I bolted out. I'm glad I didn't pay for the book, but I kind of wish I had so I could prove to people just how crazy it was. Anyway, as usual, there's no lack of ridiculous shit happening in my life.

Dirty Fingers

boredom + filthy mind = this:









Isn't it fantastically disgusting?!? I love it. And the possibilities are only as limited as your imagination. Don't put any hair on it, and it's Lindsay Lohan! Then add a c-section scar, and it's Britney Spears! Now remove the scar, add some red dots, and you've got Paris Hilton! Or make one on each hand, and have them scissor--LiLo and SamRo! The fun never ends.

Once Upon A Time

The only girlfriend I ever had was when I was 11. It lasted a couple weeks, and the most we did was go to a movie together. I was surprised when I got a note from her in school one day stating that she had "seen my true colors." Bitch. What does that even mean for an 11-year-old? Was I stingy with my markers? Or did I suck too bad at dodgeball? It's not like I tried to steal second base or anything. Maybe she saw my rainbow before I even knew it was there. She's a full-on dyke now. Irony.