My Friends Are Shitmagnets Too

This happened to my friend Milo not too long ago.
Milo went to a party with a friend of his, and it was comprised mostly of people he didn't really know. Within two minutes of arriving, some random drunkety-drunk guy, let's call him Failboy, started hitting on Milo. Failboy suggested they go "smoke a cigarette," and by cigarette he probably meant COCK. Once outside and properly cancered, Failboy's hands are all over Milo, and Milo doesn't really know what to do, but figures a little harmless petting is fine. Of course, Failboy wants to do a lot more than some quality 8th grade-style groping, so he suggests that they go for a walk. Failboy practically accosts Milo and pulls him not into an alley or anything classy like that, but a stairwell to a random apartment building, right off the sidewalk. There's kissing and whatnot briefly until Failboy pulls down his own pants and starts jerking his failmeat. Now Milo is a little startled and confused, and they're both standing several steps up from the ground. Failboy then bends over, facing down the stairs and says, "Fuck me! You wanna fuck me?" Rather taken aback, Milo says, "Um, I don't really have any equipment with me." Right about then is when Failboy started vomiting like crazy. Milo's holding him and trying to help, and between barfs, Failboy says, "I'm so sorry. . . I still want you to fuck me." This dude is a piece of work. Milo starts trying to clean himself up because now there's vom on the side of his pants. Failboy takes this opportunity to fail more and NO-ARM-FACEPLANT into the sidewalk from four steps up. Oh yes, there will be blood. Now Milo can finally convince Mr. Trainwreck that it's time to go back to the party, and they clearly have been gone WAY too long to just have a smoke break. I was a little surprised to hear that Failboy didn't say something like, "no it's cool, just use the vomit and blood as lube." My friend shows up to the party with barfpants and a bloody-faced, stinky, diarrhea-mouth Failboy. Everyone's like, "what the fuck happened?" and Milo gives them a censored version of the truth, but the two girls he actually knew kind of saw through it. The thing is, they acted like Failboy does this on the daily, and they knew there was more to the story, but didn't press it. They must have known they didn't really want to hear that their friend threw up and broke his face while propositioning a guy he doesn't even know for unprotected sex. However the girls did need some plausible story because they needed to tell Failboy's BOYFRIEND how he got all fucked up.

A few days later, Milo got a Facebook friend request from Failboy that included a message saying that he didn't remember some stuff that happened and left his phone number so they could talk about it. Milo neither accepted the request nor responded.

Public Transportation

Gotta love it.

Textual Intercourse

Me: omg I'm watching a movie ab a girl who dies from a donkey punch and the ensuing drama lolol
Jay: HAHAHAHA
Me: aptly titled DONKEY PUNCH. It's british and has a bunch of super hot guys!
Jay: Oooooh I need some man in my life

Me: a fatal donkey punching is a risk I'm willing to take at this point
Jay: WORD
Me: We need to invent sex moves. ideas?
Me: the sherlock holmes...when you're in an orgy and you can't tell who's fucking you
Jay: HAHAHA stellar
Me: old faithful. inserting an enema but not shitting it out until you get penetrated, then WHOOSH
Jay: OH MAN
Me: the amy winehouse...waiting for jizz to dry then snorting/freebasing it
Jay: That's the best one
Me: the paula deen: using butter as lube
Me: the rachel ray: using EVOO as lube. YUM-O!

Me: the emeril: throwing a pinch of oregano on your partner as your climax while yelling "BAM!"
Me: sorry, i'm kind of hungry
Me: the britbrit: hitting a crazy bitch from the back and buzzing her hair during orgasm
Me: or just beating her with an umbrella during sexy times
Jay: Hahahaha I was like are you watching the food network?
Me: i have a unique relationship with food
Jay: HAHAHA that's the best ever. I have a unique relationship to depriving myself of it
Me: it's like you used to date food, now you just agree to stay out of each other's way
Jay: that's EXACTLY what its like!

Me: iraqi freedom-leaving it in after climax. staying the (inter)course no matter how terrible or what the cost

Me: the darfur-experiencing complete anal obliteration then receiving no assistance whatsoever

Happy Monday!

You Can Never Go Home Again

My brother and I visited my mother and her mother yesterday. Amidst awkward and sad moments, there were definitely some good ones. Some of them had to do with a game of scrabble we played while waiting for lunch to cook. At one point, my brother says "damn it, I can't think of a good word to play," and he showed me his pieces. Among them were three Ts. I said "titty." He said, "dude" and flicked a glance at our mom. I said, "Charlie, mom knows what titties are."

Charlie: "Wait how do you spell that?"

Mom: "Three Ts total."

Charlie also felt obligated to play "semen" a few turns later.

PS Google Image searching for "dirty scrabble" is pretty fun. My favorite words of the ones shown here are "widecunt," "cumrot," and "wangnet." WangNet sounds like either a gay porn site or an oblivious Asian teenager's Myspace page.

Curry Puffs

My friend Jay told me about an encounter with a hot cab driver earlier today. He got in and stuttered and fumbled when trying to tell him his destination because he was so caught off guard. It really is a rare thing to find attractive cabbies. Jay said he wanted to pay him differently than he was expecting. I can just see it: "excuse me, sir, do you accept anal currency?"

Mr. Peanut

I went to high school with a girl named Tercel. Yes, like the Toyota. I always wanted to ask her what her parents were thinking when they named her, but she was kind of scary even though she was really short. She claimed to have a severe peanut allergy. Over lunch on day, she told me about how she was making with some guy over the weekend, and her mouth started to tingle. She asked him, "did you have peanuts? Cuz I can taste it in yo mouf."

Tool Academy

Yes, VH1 has yet another "reality" show. It's like Charm School for douchebags. Bad boyfriends think they're on a show called Mr. Awesome, but later find out they're on it because they're assholes. One eliminated per week, blah blah blah. Their girlfriends are there with them to work on honesty, fidelity, you know, that boring stuff. Here's a quick rundown of the tools:

Ryan "Matsuflex"- naked tool- I think he's a stripper or something, because he keeps talking about (and showing) his "man panties." He braggs about how he can pick up dollar bills from the ground with his buttcheeks. Is that on anyone's list of qualities that he/she's looking for in a guy? He has a terrible tribal tattoo on one shoulder/arm. Despite his exhibitionism and narcissistic personality disorder, there's something really attractive about him. He and his chick win the bed challenge, but not before he strips to his manties for the home stretch.

Mega-playa pimpin' tool- Says his name stands for "makes every girl aroused." Busted. His girlfriend says about him "Mega, please." Use your imagination with that one.

Josh-tiny tool-little ghetto wannab dude. Has big trashy girlfriend. His number one priority is bowling, and in the catwalk challenge, he brings a bolwing ball on the runway with him. He said in an interview that he has to put his foot down with his gf, and she was like "you have to put your foot down?!" Clearly she's the one putting her oversized foot down and up his little ass.

Clarence-"Celebrity"-party tool. boring.

Tommy-slacker tool-unemployed and lives off gf's child support money. Nice! This guy is one quality gentleman. He says he's as good at hoops as he is in bed. Then when he dribbles a basketball on the runway, he hits a random chickenhead in the chickenface. In the later challenge where the guys give the girls instructions on how to assemble a bedframe, Tommy flips his shit, yells at his girl, and throws everything in sight. "She was trying to demasculate me, and you're not gonna show me up. I'm gonna break something, and I'm gonna pick this heavy fuckin chair up, and I'm gonna throw it, and you're gonna like it too." Marry me.

Shawn-loud-mouth tool- he has this fucked up emo-inspired bullshit haircut that just hurts to look at. Even though he has it, there's something that draws me to him, and I despise myself for it.

Joey - cold-hearted tool- boring, mean. He says he has his girlfriend "trained" to do the dishes, laundry, and clean the entire apartment.

Robert - power tool - he looks old and ugly. Too bulky. Blah.

Dimitri - greek tool - typical asshole. He gets the boot at the end of the episode and the girlfriend decides to stay with him. Dumb skank.


What really disappoints me with this show is the line the host gives at elimination: "I'm sorry, but you're just a tool." Not only is it unclever, but it's offensive to real tools. At least real tools serve a purpose.

Funny Games

Hmmm. . . this is a picture of part of the jumble section in my local paper a few weeks ago. What's the first word that pops into your head when you see this? For me it wasn't the correct answer, which was "aging."

Edit For Last Post

A much better joke occurred to me about the picture of the ano girl:
Calista Flockhart, eat your heart out then throw it up so you don't gain any weight.