Cuntgratulations, You Fail!

Once upon a time I was riding my bike across a busy campus. Approaching an always-tricky intersection for bike traffic, I noticed out of the side of my eye a guy biking perpendicular to my path. We kind of looked at each other to gauge who should speed up and who should slow down. We both decided to speed up. We crashed into each other, and my front tire t-boned his. I didn't even fall, I just put a leg down and surveyed the damage. And by damage, I mean the carnage of the poor guy I hit. He went flying over a nice soft patch of grass to skid on pavement. I didn't know what to do or say, and I immediately thought, "well this wouldn't have happened if he had slowed down!" Of course it was my fault too, but I wasn't about to own up to anything. Instead I proceeded to YELL at this bleeding fellow. It started off. . . nice. "Are you okay?!?" And it goes downhill from there, "what the hell were you thinking? What is wrong with you?!?" I was in a rush to get to workout, so I had to get going, but not before I saw him hoist his bike on his shoulder and start walking to his destination. I fucked up his tire so much that he couldn't even ride it. I can't remember what he looked like anymore. I used to keep an eye out for him at parties and such, thinking I had to run into him eventually. Not because I was expecting an ass whooping. If some skinny faggot crashes into you, disables your bike, and yells at you, you probably aren't going to retaliate down the line.

Shaming Your People

I seem to have many random notes saved in my cell phone as reminders to post. Here we go.

I really lucked out my freshman year of college and had an awesome randomly assigned roommate. He was a cool kid of Chinese heritage. The funny thing was he was allergic to almost EVERYTHING--milk, gluten, soy, and RICE included. We used to joke about what a terrible Asian he was. He had to do extra better in his engineering courses to make up for being allergic to fucking rice and soy. He'd bow to me and say, "I have disgraced my family!"

Oral Exercise

Lindsay Lohan says that she's been getting scaryskinny because she's stressed and working a lot. Working a lot? She doesn't do anything. Reportedly her only income at the moment is her line of leggings. Does she even do anything to promote them? No. If eating pussy is so strenuous, perhaps she can become a spokesperson for an all-vagina diet. Rosie O'Donnell must be really lazy in bed. Her wife is awfully skinny.

Ur Liek So Orig

I overhead a snippet of a conversation a few college ladies were having on campus today. "I don't want to get my nose pierced. I don't like doing things other people like that's popular."

Nice Uggs, bitch. "I've had this since I was fifteen," she said holding up a Coach wallet. That was four years ago, TOPS. She went on to reminisce about her cheerleading days. Wow. Congratulations, you are one unique twat.

The Cuntess

What's worse than pretentious people? Pretentious people who speak about themselves in the third person. That Countess bitch from The Real Housewives of New York City loves it. Countess LuAnn. That's lovely. Maybe one day there will be a Queen Britney.

"The Countess doesn't drink beer from a bottle." Well she clearly drinks Arrogant Cunt from a bottle.

Bible Stories

RuPaul:

"In the beginning God created Adam and Eve. A few years later, Shaniqua, the Garden of Eden's first drag queen, came along and stole a pair of pumps from Eve. Well the rest was history."

Happy 21st, Rihanna!

She could probably use a few drinks right about now. :(

From G's To G's In Navy Blazers

From G's To Gents. Ridiculous. I won't bother explaining the premise. I just want to highlight a couple fantastic characters. First up:

Macho



His nickname must be intentionally ironic, because he looks straight up like a--guess what--female-to-male transsexual. Yes. He might be worse than David Cook. I think the diamond tattoo on his cheek really makes his face shine.

Riff Raff.



This guy cannot be real. He's joking right? Surely someone who acts like he does can't be serious. I think another contestant referred to him as Rainbow Brite on acid. His MySpace page is a treasure trove of insanity with too many gems for me to post, so please check it out for yourself: Crazy Honky.

Riff Raff is really asking for a stabbing in this video:




I considered typing a transcript. In less than three minutes he dropped just about as many n-bombs as the entire Huck Finn novel. Well about 47 times actually but whatever. Perhaps a 1:1 ratio of n-word to stabbing would be appropriate? He was booted in the second episode I believe, and it looks like the reunion episode should be entertaining, assuming he survives to film it. In one interview he's going on about what being "hood" really means to him, etc. Meanwhile he gingerly applies chapstick. CHAPSTICK! That shit ain't hood! Real thugs use CARMEX. Duh.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LILA!!!

Alternative Title: I'm Clearly Going to Hell



All last week I made a point to remind myself constantly that a friend's birthday was approaching. As is often the case when something important arises, I fucked up. I missed out on her actual bday, and I feel like an ass. I'm sorry! I was trying to think of some unique story or joke I could post for her. Oh shit, I just thought of a terrible bday card. Absolutely inappropriate. Well now I have to do it.


Happy Birthday, Lila! I Hope Your Day Was THIS Special:






Or:
Hey, Sweety, Happy B-Day! Haven't heard from you in a while. I guess you had an Anna Nicole hell of a time!

And in case you're wondering who that is in the .gif, it's Goddess Bunny. She's somewhat of a cult icon, and she rocks. According to some sketchy web page, GB is a (new word time!) trannsy. Someone created a fake MySpace page for her. It's either really mean or (if she actually created it herself) genius.

Why does it always come back to trannies? This is some Number 23 shit. The meaning of life and the answer to every question isn't 42. It's TRANNY.

The point is I love you, Lila, and sometimes I wish you had/used to have a penis.

xoxo,

Me

Okay Then

New word alert. I'm a big fan of Jonathan Ames, and he's done much writing about his obsession with transsexuals. In a compilation of his essays and anecdotes, I encountered this word:

Trannsy (noun, plural: trannsies)

1. A transsexual who chooses not to get sexual reassignment surgery.

Origin: "Transitioning." It is probably from some skeezy chick-with-a-dick hooker who stands to make more money with a cock than without.

Example: Ericatoure Aviance says many of her tricks insist that she fuck them, so she's opting to keep her weiner.