Face Tattoos Are Always A Good Idea

Lil Wayne looks like he got drunk and passed out and his friends drew on his face with tattoo ink. Look at that thing between his eyebrows. That's totally cock and balls. It would also seem that his "tears" are really jizz drops, especially since there's one coming from the corner of his mouth. Hey, Lil Wayne, your face got served.

Stale Pop Culture Reference, Anyone?

I found an old note to myself about a post I wanted to do but forgot. Here it is in all its dated glory!



Kelly Clarkson recently performed on Saturday Night Live. Is it just me, or does she look like she really needs a couple days in the Juicing Room? No, not the OJ Simpson Juicing Room. That would drain her fa sho, but it would be cutting off the nipple to spite the titty.

Homeless People, We Have Fun

Once upon a time I traveled with friend I grew up with to visit her sister in Oakland. By this point I had routine experiences with homeless people. At first I felt sympathy and always gave them change, then I disdained them as an annoyance, and then I stopped acknowledging them altogether. Then I visited an Oakland Walgreens at 2:00 a.m. after a night of partying with friends. It was there that it was impossible to ignore them. Two homeless men were asking for spare change outside the store. My friend Ashlee and I stayed outside while her sister shopped. One hobo was a thick black man, and the other was a skinny white guy. Both wore camouflage fatigues. They said they were war veterans. Maybe they were, or maybe it was a ploy to garner sympathy. The white guy said he would give us karate lessons for change, so I figured a funny story was worth 75 cents. He played around with some sad kicks and punches for a minute or two while we chuckled. Then the black guy stepped in. He said the key was to fight dirty. He told me always to "go for the nuts" in a brawl. "Okay," I thought, "it makes sense." Then he said he had a special move to teach me. He proceeded to mime the movements with me as the attacker. It started with a dick punch and ended with his hand around my throat. He didn't squeeze very hard, but he did let me know in a whisper "[I] could snap your neck like a chicken." I laughed, thanked him, and went on my way, never acknowledging just how close to death I might have been.


It's the opposite of my situation.

Shoot for the. . . Low-Level Clouds?

Are you unhappy with the mediocre state of your celebrity status? Do you want less? Are you looking to fade into obscurity? Fret no more! It seems the simple act of wearing a headband across your forehead is enough of a charm to jinx your career. Ugh, movie premieres are such a hassle, right? And even promoting a straight-to-DVD movie is a bitch. When you join the slow-paced world of foreheadbands, you'll be surviving on the occasional dive bar appearance and rare made-for-TV movie jobs you get based on years-old accomplishments.





Act now, and in no time at all you'll be free to focus on what's really important to you. You know, pushing third rate fashion merchandise, centering your world on a significant other who will quickly be more famous than you, mooching off said person, abusing all sorts of substances, and tipping off paparazzi for photo opportunities. Do it, you won't do it. DO IT, FAGGOT.

My Kind Of Video

Question

What is this?!? I accidentally changed to channel a few minutes ago to public access, and this is what I found. It wobbled when he moved his head. I can assume it's not life-threatening, otherwise it would have been removed by now. And it's not like he could miss it. Is it a goiter? I don't think so. It seems to be elephantitis of the earlobe. I hope to see him around town so I get the chance to ask.

I Wanna Text You Up

Sunny: Anyway, I miss seeing all the hot bodies at the pool... That was definitely the best perk of swimming.
Sunny: Until it meant having to look at M*****'s penis every Wednesday.
me: omg i know. i didn't appreciate it when i had it. i got too used to trying not to look on wednesdays
Sunny: The one penis I wish I saw more of is C*****'s... I don't know why but he just always had me curious
me: me too! i never got a great look, but i saw plenty of his tiny rectangular ass and i thoroughly enjoyed it
Sunny: I wish we could have gotten him to test drive the whole gay thing when he was on one of his "I'm drunk and think I'm really into men" phases
me: omg. for REAL. i had multiple opportunities and i froze up each time! you know he would have been all shamed after he got off though. i'd be okay with that
Sunny: Oh totally! I'd be soooooo ok with that! I think he would totally be a bottom btw...
me: oh yes, he definitely was in my fantasies. he's a squealing powerbottom with an endless anal cavity
Sunny: Definitely!!!!!!! I feel like he would be so intense and very facial about it...Sometimes I pictured M** doing it to him, LOL
me: i'm totally with you on that. remember when **** found a search for gay porn on his computer? we all should have tagteamed him.
Sunny: Hahahahaha... I forgot about that!!
me: i bet he's blowing old dudes at gloryholes in sketchy men's restrooms these days
Sunny: Omg - It would be amazing if we found out where he was doing that...
me: everywhere and anywhere i'm sure. he can probably sniff dick out like a bloodhound
Sunny: I still have a theory that he and M** did stuff together... Maybe not fucking but at least jerking each other off
me: or maybe just next to each other since they could justify that as not gay. C***** was so posessive of M**, there HAD to be something going on
Sunny: Yeah def next to each other at the very least... I used to think I saw C***** staring at people in the shower kind of like how I would--secretive and swift but long enough to get a good image to work with. Too bad I never saw him get a boner.
me: oooh i bet he loved it when R**** swam with us and showered nude
Sunny: R**** had an ok penis... Didn't you think?
me: yeah he just wasn't that cute in the face. i'd still bone him though. he had that anderson cooper premature gray hair going on.
Sunny: I think Anderson Cooper is smokin
me: pole? me too. i'd fist him fa sho. his pubes are probably waxed into the shape of darfur in sympathy
Sunny: I don't know why cuz I usually like them darker and a little younger.... But Anderson Cooper is the one reason I would ever watch the news
Sunny: Hahahahaha. Oh hey.... before I say anything... Did you watch I love money this week?
me: oh yes
Sunny: I was scared for your girl [Saaphyri] for a minute there!!!
me: i would have written a strongly worded letter to VH1
me: i can't believe new york dated tailor made. he's gross. he looks like he'd be sticky if you touched him. did she think he would make her rich or something?
Sunny: I think it was all about control.... She could whip him around as much as she wanted!
...
me: not that i haven't done much worse for much less, but come on. the nation wasn't witnessing me debase myself lolme: yeah but all his yelling got annoying. are you as scared of buckwild's face as i am? i thought she would vut the entertainer with that witchypoo nose!
me: her eyebrows are OOC
me: wow i just google image searched "hot speedo" with the image filter turned off. i highly recommend it

PETA = Lennie Small?

I found a cool website all about how hypocritical and full of shit PETA is.
PETA Kills Animals
I've always disagreed with their methods, but not necessarily all of their message. Here are a few fun facts, should you choose to believe the website's accusations, which I do:

• Since 1998 a total of 21,339 dogs and cats have died at the hands of PETA workers.


• Last year, PETA killed 2,124 pets and placed only seven in adoptive homes.


• PETA’s president has said that “even if animal research resulted in a cure for AIDS, we would be against it.”

Dayyyymn. Suddenly the Trollsen twins don't seem to bad. You should really look at everything that website has. It's insane. I just don't get what their goals are. Some people must be making mad money from PETA. Why else would they spread a message of "peace" in such a messy, violent manner, yet not follow through on their tenets? It's a scheme. I see what you did there, PETA. If you "love" these animals so much more than humans, why don't you marry them? Oh wait, you can't because you loved them to death. Candy Finnigan would be so disappointed in you.

To be fair though, I myself never go anywhere without my euthanasia caboodle. It's not for animals though, oh no! I never know when I'll need to put an old person or a mouthy hooker to sleep.

Question

Whom did Drew Barrymore have to threaten to fuck in order to get a Covergirl contract?

Twatlight

(Funny, a few days ago I looked through pictures from the set of New Moon and noticed all the actors smoking. I thought I'd make a collage to put up here, but it looks like someone did it for me!)

I'm sorry to say I watched Twilight yesterday. My assessment after watching was, "um. . . I thought the score was acceptable at some points." It was kind of boring, and it offered no reason to care about the characters. In fact, I wanted them all to die of gonorrhea and rot in hell. And just like the book, Bella and Edward fall in love in roughly 2.5 minutes and care for each other for no apparent reason. Just think, this fall you can treat yourself to a couple more hours of that bullshit, but WITH DAKOTA FANNING!

[WHOA. Side note. I thought it would be funny to insert a video here of the Dakota Fanning Show skit from SNL. I searched for it on YouTube and found many slide shows of Dakota Fanning set to Shitney Spears' "If U Seek Amy." What the fuck?!? This shit is wrong. I'm sticking with Hulu from now on.]









Kristen Stewart is really good at "playing" an aloof, ungrateful, melodramatic, and self-centered bitch.



I have to admit I found Robert Pattinson quite attractive. His American accent made him sound like every black comedian's impression of a white person, but it strangely made him endearing. It was nice to see him not looking hobo chic for once. I suppose I wouldn't mind being in a vampire/werewolf orgy (oops, Jacob's a werewolf in case you couldn't tell from the heavy-handed foreshadowing for dummies). Minus the black one. What? I just didn't find him as cute as the other lighter skinned, not-of-African-heritage actors.





In conclusion, it sucked balls in a bad way, with the hot guys serving as the only redeeming factor. Oh and I just started reading the second book. . .