It's Rrrrrrrrrrrrrape Time!

My boss and I were driving through campus today when I spied a lovely wooded area randomly next to dormitories. This shady, sun-dappled stretch even had what looked like a log cabin. Its beauty smacked me in the face and I commented "wow! That park is fucking beautiful."

My boss replied "the students call it Rape Park."

"Well Rape Park is gorgeous."

Gurd Your Loins

I read a report today that Real Housewives of New York's very own (S)Kelly(tor) KILLOREN Bensimon will appear in the December 2009 issue of Playboy.

*shudder*

Thankfully she won't be exposing the lunch meat between her legs. I'm thinking it will be something tasteful along the lines of this:

Tyra Smeyets The World

Tyra Banks is killing me. With her eyes. Her "smeyes." She's "SMEYETING" ME. "What's that?" you ask? Oh, you don't know about the horrible new word invented by a useless woman for an imaginary action? "Smeyesing" is smiling with your eyes. If you watched tonight's America's Next Top Model, then you are all too familiar. I considered watching it again in order to count the number of times smeyes is uttered, but I knew I'd have performed terrible and permanent self-mutilation before I could finish it.

Then the producers thought it would be a great idea to put all the contestants in spandex body suits. Here's the result:

I'mma Let You Finish. . .

Okay okay we all know what happened at the recent MTV VMA festivities. Kanye West once again proved that he shouldn't be allowed to interact with people ever. What he did to "country singer" Taylor Swift was bogus and lame, but it's also made her more popular and lovable. I'd like to thank Kanye for giving us the template for endless hilarity:

I'mma Let You Finish

Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta

I liked her when no one really knew who she was. Then I got all pretentious when she went mainstream and shunned her. Now I'm feeling her again. Her performance at the VMAs was quite enjoyable. I'm a sucker for blood and tragedy, but that was fun! I got into her crutch and the random dancer in the wheelchair. My dad couldn't believe she did that. I showed him the video for "Paparazzi," and he asked why she was making fun of the disabled. I said that she wasn't making fun of them, she's sending a message. "What message?" he asked, "all you bitches in wheelchairs need to get you some crutches and dance?" That sounds about right.


Then there's the hullabaloo about her sex. Apparently some people are convinced she's really a man. Which would be cool! Here's a good quote from the website http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/: "all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis." Ha!

Poor Girl

This morning my coworkers and I briefly discussed the recent tragedy of the discovery of a Yale graduate student's body being found in the walls of a lab. This is terrible and my thoughts and prayers go out to her family and loved ones. All this considered, when everyone else was lamenting the situation, my response was "maybe she had it coming."

Spidercorn

A few days ago, I enjoyed some delicious lightly salted, air popped popcorn, as I do from time to time while entertaining myself. I was chomping away without a care in the world when I happened to look down at a handful. I spied a tiny dark spider crawling across one fluffy kernel. I initially freaked out and made sure to kill it swiftly and surely. I've heard that we each consume approximately eight spiders every year without ever knowing it. I thought perhaps I dodged a bullet. Because it was such an awfully small creature, it occurred to me that it may have been an infant spider. As I know from the certainly factual film Arachnaphobia, they aren't born one at a time. Convinced there must be thousands of tiny spiders in my snack, I sifted through the popcorn under strong light to check. I didn't see anymore spiders, but I couldn't shake the feeling that my batch was tainted. The thing is, I was really hungry. And it would have taken a good two or three minutes to make more! I figured if I already eat so many spiders without even knowing it, what's another if I'm not even aware of it? So I finished the bowl and decided that maybe spiders are high in protein?

This Is What I Do In My Spare Time

Except I do it to honky tonk music.



It's really good cardio and super fun. I always love to put on a good show, and you should see my abs!

Ewwwy

We all know at least one girl with a distaste for uncircumcised penises. Smegma is always on the list of deterrents she sites.

Well guess what, Ted Haggard, you make it too! Yes, it forms under the hood of the clitoris like a disgusting little pearl or something. And I don't imagine you had the little Mrs. or her. . . jacket cut off.

Not that I'm some expert on uncircumcised penises, especially being Jewish, but this is a fun fact to point out when a girl you know gets all high and mighty thinking her crotch is better than someone else's.

p.s. I didn't go looking for this information. I don't Google smegma for fun or anything, it was in a book I'm reading.

G.I. Joe: Rise Of Cobra; Or, How To Succeed In Raping A Childhood Treasure Without Really Trying

I had the supreme misfortune to see the new G.I. Joe movie recently. It really took absurdity to a whole new level. I was amazed at how poor it was even going into the situation with low expectations. The first sign it would be terrible was that there was no prescreening for critics. That always means the movie is going to be a big bag of shit.

It was nonstop blahblah in-your-face action, boobs, death and bad acting. Apparently a movie was just canceled because Channing Tatum became attached to the project. This should have happened with G.I. Joe. It should have been ABORTED, big time. The writers or the director or the producers should have realized at some point during their shameful collaboration that perhaps they would be better off with Plan B. Not that Channing Tatum isn't talented. Just not in ways that would have helped the film. I personally think a dance battle against Cobra Commander would have been effective. Don't misunderstand. . . replacing him wouldn't change my opinion.

Sienna Miller and Rachel Nichols looked great throughout the whole movie, but then they had to go and make a joke of it by putting Nichols in fitted plastic body armor with a breastplate shaped like generous C cup titties. See above. This elicited loud laughs from my brother and me, but no one else in the theater found it funny! Geez, 12-year-olds these days.

The movie was entertaining at first, painful at times, but then I just kept wanting it to end. But it wouldn't! When I consider it, the film might be so over the top and silly as to be worth the price of admission. I knew it would be bad, and now you know it is, but you might have to see it for yourself to really understand. Perhaps you can go watch it ironically.

The best part of the movie was the trailer for the Avatar: The Last Airbender movie.

The Black Eyed Peas' "Boom Boom Pow" playing during the ending credits was the vomit icing on the shit cake.