A Sexy Soccer Guide

I haven't seen one moment of the world cup, but this guide to hot footballers is all I need. My top pick? Iker Casillas. Ay, papi.

(this one isn't my boo Iker, but I find the pose. . . inviting)

Bam! Bitch Went Down

I'm surprised I haven't seen pictures of Lady Gaga biting it before now. I'm sure she has though. All those "avant-garde" yikes she wears are dangerous as hell. She's going to break a hoof. OH that reminds me. Uh oh, this is kind of terrible. I don't think I've mentioned it before. I was on a date a couple months ago; and at the restaurant, I spied a table of sorostitutes. The cool thing was one of them had a prosthetic leg. I thought it was neat and immediately starting wondering aloud how she came to be in that situation. My final hypothesis was that she suffered a serious pump accident. She was drunk, running in knee-high hooker boots, and her heel got caught in a grate. Because the material was so restrictive and unforgiving, it just snapped off her whole lower leg. That's what I like to think went down.

We're Fucking Done Professionally

I'll kick this off with a quote from my favorite blogger, Gabe Delahaye (here, this is funny), because I have to acknowledge that I've been part of this epidemic: ". . .whatever my role may be in this: I’m sorry. I’m sorry I caused all that Ke$ha." I'm finished with Kesha. Kind of. I'll still enjoy a couple of her songs, but her image she works so hard to maintain is hurting my soul. Oh, yes KESHA. I refuse to contribute to the perpetuation of her terrible, terrible name with the symbol. She looks like she smells bad and is sticky. I happened to watch last night's episode of The City (don't judge me, I'm judging myself enough for it) and she had a brief cameo. If an appearance by a manufactured, contrived pop singer can be considered a cameo. Castmemeber Olivia made some delightfully snide comments on Kesha's style as "punk trash" and "garbage chic." I agree, minus the -chic part. In the three minutes of screen time she had, Kesha made all sorts of gross faces as she is wont to do. Also, her hair? The question mark is because I think it might have just been a possum nest. Do they nest? I have a feeling they might den. I'll have to check into that, but if possums nested, they would make something like Kesha's hair. Seriously, Britney Spears at her ratty, weavy worst is better than Kesha's head situation. Anyway, in that short time she TWICE said, "I love garbage bags," and mentioned that she wanted to wear a gown made of trash bags to the Grammy's, (I'm not really sure why she was allowed to even attend) but they wouldn't let her. The point is, these people had to "work" with her for an entire styling session and photo shoot, so just imagine how times she professed her love of garbage bags and let loose with other similarly grimy gems.

Now might be a good time to mention her atrocious SNL performance. Wow, was it ever lackluster. Teach a bitch how to dance, pop songstress manufacturers! Every moment was womp-womp sad trombone. She looked like a combination of a malfunctioning robot and the Trash Heap from The Fraggles. And we all know she can't sing to begin with, so please don't bother to try anything live. Get your moves tight, and for shit's sake, lipsynch. At least you could be enjoyable then. She really ruined it there. Well. . . and with her Jon Travolta face. I had to go there. Sorry, girl!

Cougarhontas

The wonderful homo at siennadenima has done it again. This one is pretty good, but I'm crossing my filthy fingers for Mulan!

What Is the Opposite of Seduction? Repulsion?

I was too lazy to go back and check if I posted this already, but this is worth two posts if that's the case.

Sweet Dreams

I keep forgetting to share a strange dream I had two nights ago. I was in some sort of small cafeteria with tons of people. There was a shady group on the opposite side of the room from me consisting of Nick Cannon, Random Generic White Guy, and super cute blond guy. I could tell the blond was the leader of their little cohort, he just looked all evil. He motioned me over, and I didn't mind a closer look at him. When I got over there he had Nick Cannon use some power on me to choke me and make it so no one paid any attention to me. Imagine that! Nick Cannon with the power to be ignored. Surprising. Anyway, I broke free of that somehow, then I figured out that I needed to attack Jennifer Coolidge. Yes, Stiffler's mom. I don't know what that was about, but she was there and I approached her with the handle end a butter knife. I slowly stabbed it through her titty three times, passing between ribs in an attempt to get her cold, black heart. "Hey! Watch it!" is all she had to say in her funny voice before she slumped, and I woke up. How random is that?? I love Jennifer Coolidge. I don't know why I'd want to take her out. But I recognized that she was a threat, and I wouldn't let me love of her big ass and silly ways get in my way. Maybe that's the message.

Sidenote: She's one of those people I just can't picture young. What could she have looked like at my age? It's like that video of Rue McClanahan I saw a few weeks ago in which she's young and performing some sort of (hopefully ironic) burlesque dance. She just looks....exactly the same, but not wrinkly. It's not really sexy, it's actually rather disturbing. I don't remember if I posted it already, so if not, you have that shit to look forward to.

Check Mii Out

Obviously my personal Mii for the Wii system is a Tranny Jesus. Duh.

Gagging For Your Nerves

I can't even describe the awesomeness of this video. I can only say that this bitch knows how to turn it out and how to motherfucking LAYER. Make sure to watch the whole thing with nothing distracting you. Eat. It. Up. With. A. Spoon.

Hot Mess In Cleveland

The TV Land premier of Hot In Cleveland was last night, and it was. . . meh. It was trite, cliché, and a little boring at times. There are some decent one-liners but none we haven't heard before. It stars Wendie Malick, Jane Leeves, and Valerie Bertinelli with Betty White as back-up. Wendy is pulling her usual snobby Hollywood schtick from Just Shoot Me, which to her credit she is good at. She's a woman of a certain age who finds the adoration of the simple Ohio folk amusing. Jane Leeves was more crass than the last time I paid her any attention (Frasier), and she's fine. I suppose it works for her. Her character has glasses in the pilot which annoyingly reflect whatever monitors are on set, which only serves to remind me that she's acting, and isn't acting the sweet girl we're used to from Frasier. Then there's Valerie Bertinelli. Valerie who? Exactly. Oh, that big girl from Weight Watchers? Yes. Was it even WW? I'm not even sure because I've never paid attention to her, and I don't care to now. She's boring, whiny, and the whole time I just wanted her to shut up. She's supposed to be the focus of the series with her sad story of her soon-to-be-ex-husband becoming engaged to a younger woman. The problem is she is so blah that she isn't likable at all, and I won't be rooting for her underdog performance.

And Betty. Oh, Betty. She's the only reason to watch. The show has her as a sassy, crass octogenarian who clashes especially with Jane Leeves. She's funny, and it's obvious she's a pro who knows comic timing. They favor giving her lines not expected from the elderly, which rather makes it seem like an extension of her SNL hosting duty, but I'm into it. I fully support anything she does. Thank you, Ms. White, for making this program tolerable. I'd live for whatever she is a part of. It could be The Betty White Baby Strangling Hour, and I'd still cherish it on my DVR.

addendum: I just want to say a few more things. This is a fun show, don't get me wrong. Sometimes I expect everything to live up to the hilarity of Cougar Town or the drama of Battlestar Galactica. HIC is a perfectly acceptable show. In the same way that I guess people enjoy How I Met Your Mother. I'm never really going to give a shit about what the plot is, but it will entertain me. OH, and Jane Leeves' legs are INSANE. So hot. She is looking great, so you know, there's always that.

Moves the Booty, Grooves the Booty

From now on, I will replace the word "fail" with "Ciara."