Baby, It's Cold Outside

I read in a funny Jew's blog recently that every Jew has a favorite Christmas song.  I thought, "bullshit."  I wracked my brain trying to think of Xmas songs, and I hated them all.  I don't mind Mariah Carey's version of "All I Want for Christmas Is You," but it doesn't stick in my head.  Then I found it.  "Baby, It's Cold Outside."  What really irked me was that so many places had it listed without the comma in the title.  WRONG.  I love me some grammar, and I try to follow the rules unless it gets in the way of my style.  It's not technically a Christmas song, but it's now a traditional holiday number.  Perhaps the other reason I like it is that it is so fucked up.  Take a listen to the lyrics.  Here's a version that was recently on Glee:



Whaaaaat???  This song is about attempted acquaintance rape, and you know I like disturbing things.  Seriously though, it is wrong.  Apparently in the printed score, the male is referred to as "wolf" and the female "mouse."  Oh that's nice.  The guy in the song is horny and manipulative:


My mother will start to worry (Hey beautiful, what’s your hurry)


And father will be pacing the floor (Listen to that fireplace roar)

So really, I’d better scurry (Beautiful, please don’t hurry)

Well, maybe just a half a drink more (Put some music on while I pour)

The neighbors might think (Baby, it’s bad out there)

Say, what’s in this drink (No cabs to be had out there)



He goes on to say what a storm it is outside and that she's hurting his pride.  This followed by "don't hold out."  This dirty motherfucker.  Or how about this implied threat against her family?


My sister will be suspicious (Your lips look delicious)


My brother will be there at the door (I ain’t worried about you brother)

My maiden aunt’s mind is vicious (That ol’ biddy, she ain’t gonna bother me)

 
What a lovely story this song tells.  I can just imagine how it ends up.  She stays with him, wooed by his greasy charm.  Mouse ends up sleeping with the Wolf under heavy influence of roofies.  As a result of this tryst, Mouse becomes pregnant.  In 1949, you don't just run out and get an abortion.  A proper young lady gets married.  So that's what Mouse does.  She starts an abusive marriage with this philandering man.  When  she is four months pregnant, Wolf pushes her down the stairs, causing a miscarriage.  Incensed at this tragedy, her sister, aunt, and brother show up at their door, which only serves to outrage Wolf even more.  He invites them into the parlor to discuss what really happened.  They all sit down over coffee, and Wolf attempts to soothe the troubled family.  Mouse serves the family, but Wolf doesn't touch his cup.  He also insists that she have none as it is "detrimental to her constitution."  It turns out, he poisoned the coffee, killing Mouse's family members.  Of course, she gets hysterical, you know how delicate women are.  So Wolf has to restrain her in the basement while he buries the bodies.  Eventually he comes down to see her.  With love in his eyes and a smile on his lips, he rapes her to death and eats her face.  What? He said her lips looked delicious.

It's That Time of Year Again

Happy Kwanzaa!

Make It Stop

Yikes!  Hey, guys.  I know all three of you missed me, so we'll just get right back into the swing of things. . .
Everyone who knows me knows I love a good WTF.  This is one of them:


peeking virtue from Douglas Burgdorff on Vimeo.

Magical

Thank you, Stephen K of Hard Liquor, Soft Holes!

Wisdom

Bruce Lee once said something along the lines of "kicking someone in the head is like punching someone's foot."  Unless you ARE Bruce Lee's zombie ghost or Chuck Norris, don't bring your fancy cross-kicks to a street fight.

It's Official

I've been named.  If I were to be adrag queen, I shall be: Tina Faygala.  A Jewess drag queen.  It's perfect.

And the Children Went UP!

This is jaw-dropping.  First of all, this bitch Leigh Bowery is working some nerves.  That scary serial killer face with the patchwork hippy clown ensemble is insane.  HER FACE.  Good lord, her face.  And then it happens.  It goes from uncomfortable performance to performance ART.  You'll know when you see it. 



I finally watched the drag classic, Wigstock.  It's fun and the shows are great, but it was so short!  At only one hour and fifteen minutes, this documentary needed to be doubled.  My other big problem is that so few of the dragsters are featured.  Where's my Varla?  And where the fuck is Lahoma van Zandt?!?  You can also spook a pre-op Candis Cayne as one of the Wigstock Dancers, and giiiiiirl, she was rough.  She's pretty now, but damn she has had some good work done.  Her barbecue was canceled fa sho (on account of a FUCKED UP GRILL).  Much love though.  It's fun to see the different stages of transformation.  And there's RuPaul with her fantastically cinched waist and youthful face (this was 1993 after all).  One last thing:  God bless Lady Bunny's corset.

Silver Fox?

I found something disturbing this weekend:  my first grey hair.  My brother claims he found one a few months ago, but I think it was just an excuse to snatch my weave out.  This little grey fella is just chilling all by himself on the side of my head.  It's long too, so it's been in the works for a while.  I don't know how I didn't notice until just now.  I'd rather be grey than bald, so I'm hoping this is a new trend instead of hair loss.  I'll take Anderson Cooper over Joey Lawrence.  Maybe Lil' Grey will invite his friends and start a little patch.

Textual Intercourse

My brother: I didn't see Brittany Murphy's name in the cast list for Sin City 2, did she get in a fight with Robert Rodriguez?

Me: I heard she's doing a zombie movie instead.  That, or Weekend at Bernice's.

Brother: Really?  Why? That's dumb.  She has a shitty career as it is, sin2 would be a step up.

Me: well, anything is a step up from her current career.  She could do porn, but she might have been cremated.  Maybe someone could mix her up and use her as an enema or douche.

Brother: wait what?! cremated!? did she die?!

Me:  oh i thought it was a clever joke. that bitch died many months ago

Brother: oh shit, I forgot.  Oops, how is Sin City 2 going to keep going?

Me: yeah (EYEROLL) she was so vital

That's Nice

Here's the question: is it blowjobby or watersportsy?  Either way it's hot and awkward.