I Feel Your Pain

A picture has surfaced of Joe Jonas pulling his eyes in alleged imitation of Asians, much like the picture of that 45-year-old-looking skankster Miley Cyrus. A lot of people are pissed off and calling him racist, but I have the inside scoop. I'll have you know that he isn't making fun of anyone in that picture! He was simply wiping away his eye makeup that was running due to his ladycrying. You try getting double-stuffed in the ass by your brothers without shedding at least a few tears.

Can You Say "Puta?"

Hey, kids! We at Mattel are proud to present the new Tween Dora! She's grown up with you, and she has a whole new life. Moving to the big city sure hasn't been easy on our Dora. Seven months after her adventure in the back alley of a liquor store, she gave birth to a little explorer of her very own! The trouble is, food stamps and state health care only go so far in feeding and caring for her fetal alcohol syndrome baby. Dora dances on the weekends at the Clammy Crevice, but she spends all week exploring the city and getting into sticky situations while pursuing her own adventurous hobbies. Tune in, and watch her chase the dragon! And make sure to buy her posable doll (includes syringe, needles, glass pipe, one shoe, premature Pepito baby doll, and washable marker for drawing bruises) because Dora's got an insatiable addiction to feed!

Rotten Ass Zombie Face Pussy Lips of Love

This morning I saw the VH1 Blog entry for the cast of the upcoming show Daisy of Love starring the mentally disabled lazy eyed surgically augmented muppet Daisy De La Hoya. Douchewrap supreme 12 Pack is back d,f/g jdweiubvn b.cvop
Oops, I nodded off for a moment. Allow me to focus on the sickly triplets who are clearly on the hunt for pussy. I thought they were all the same person, but apparently they aren't. They look like that faggy singer from Tokio Hotel. I'm looking forward to their interactions with the rest of the cast. I know the other guys are going to be receptive to tips on painting their nails, wearing an oversized scarf properly, and accomodating the Great American Challenge yet maintaining a tight butthole (read: impossible. The triplets can probably all fit inside each other like Russian nesting dolls).



Look, do what you want to do, dress how you like, but I'm still going to make fun of you. These queermos are so gay that they know how to spell fuchsia.



I'd definitely be interested in watching them get it on with each other. Or maybe just some ass-to-ass-to-ass triple-headed dildo action. Is it incest if they don't touch? What the fuck is wrong with me?

This Bitch's Cake Is A Lie

Here's a quote from Milf of Real Chance of Love about what she does for a living:
"Now, basically, I have a website where I talk people through training and getting ready for fitness. I’m also about to do another photo shoot."
Um, check out her "fitness website," and let me know if it'll help you get in shape for a marathon.....
Here it is.


Maybe a dicksucking marathon or a double-vaginal double-anal marathon. If you're looking to snatch the record for world's biggest gangbang, talk to that bitch. Or if you're just looking for live video chat.

"Your Poison Womb Is Making Heaven Too Fucking Crowded"

I just discovered a prank section of a funny website.

Zack Parsons is clearly a genius and master wordsmith. His sense of humor is right up my alley and is making my panties wet.

First read the source. It's long but well worth it.

Then check out his chat with a deadbabymama.

Rock of Slut Bus: Fuck Cereal

At the beginning of today's ROLB episode, Taya told Beverly that she should carry around a tacky purple pillow because it accents the tacky purple weave she has in her hair. The voice of reason Ashley chimed in with "This is the most boring conversation I've ever had. I'd rather just sit here in silence." If I were into manly chicks, I'd be into her. I'd give her the ole clit tickle.

Bret, or rather the producers, brought Heather, Ambre, and the contestants' exes in for this episode. Beverly's ex-husband declined to participate, thus proving he's deserving of at least a little respect.

Taya's ex Jaz (yeah, with a name like that, is he in the "industry" as well?) was protective of her, even saying to Ambre "Where's the dishonesty and distrust in what I'm saying? With your stapled-ass extensions on your head." Ambre then did her best impression of a blow up doll in shock that someone would make such a claim.

Oh and then Brittanya punched and spat at Heather. That was nice to watch. I just wish she had better aim. I guess she doesn't have much practice spitting.

Ashley knows she's in some shit, because her "ex" is there telling everyone with a pulse that "nobody could pull my shit." What does that even mean? He's her babydaddy, and it turns out they still live together. Ashley said their relationship ended a long time ago, but James said "We fuck all the time." Aaaand Trashley has a tattoo on her left titty of the name James and told everyone it was her son's name. I don't know her crotchfruit's name, so maybe it's also James, but apparently babydaddy has her name tattooed on his crusty body.

My favorite girl was in a pinch, and she said she was having fun until her bff Farrah left. Clearly she wasn't there for Bret. But really, who is? Who sees him on television or wherever and thinks "what a beautiful soul"? They just think maybe they can win and bounce on it without vomiting long enough to quit stripping for a little while and get your baby taken care of for a minute. Unfortunately bitch had to go. The show will be lame like people who eat basil from now on. The Blondetourage has fallen!

Her parting words were amazing: "Bret got rid of [Farrah], and I had to be stuck with these girls who made me wanna kill myself. Seriously. They talked about cereal for three hours yesterday. Are you kidding me? Good luck having fun with Gopher and the 1986 prom queen."

I can't find her MySpace page, but I'll keep trying. I could only find a couple fan-created pages. I tried to burst their bubbles and inform them that she gets kicked off today, but I'd have to befriend them first, so no thanks. I think we can all agree that she needs a spinoff. It can document her rise from lowly stripper to. . . um. . . stripper/prostitute? Or stripper/prostitute/comedienne?

DO NOT WANT!

There's a line in Britney Spears' latest single "If U Seek Amy" that goes "all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to if you seek Amy." This is delusion speaking, no? Do people still want to fuck Britney Spears? I mean besides chubbychasers and nutfuckers (those who are into crazies). Eight years ago it was totally acceptable for a guy to list her as most boneable, but today? You'd get laughed right out of your frat with your pink popped collared polo shirts flying after you. Even now that she's "sexy" again. Is it because she can never deny this?



If you bounced on it today, you'd still be reminded that she's batshit crazy and looked like Uncle Fester. Oh, and her favorite breakfast is cheese grits with "sprinkle cheese." That last part is enough for me.

I knew a guy in high school who made sure everyone knew that he knew it was Britney Spears' 18th birthday. Because, ya know, she was now a consenting adult for crazy circus weasel sex. The problem was that he was a flaming faggot. I'm talking hotter than the sun. He would open his mouth, and Judy Garland would fall out as he'd proclaim his lust for the Orange One. I think he's still putting on the ruse. Although I did get an IM from him a couple years ago offering to have sex with me as a response to my away message. I think he was drunk. I hope so. Either way, he's never gonna get it, never gonna get it. Never gonna get it, never gonna get it. Never gonna get it, never gonna get it. Never gonna get it. Never get it.

Tyra Banks, Fierce Murderess

I managed to make it through America's Next Top Model last night without vomiting, and I'm quite proud. Aminat (who by the way had an afro weave that when removed left her head looking like she had both cancer and mange) introduced a nifty little catchphrase: "Keep it cute, or put it on mute." I had to watch the rest of the episode with no sound. Tyra was criticizing someone at the judging and said, "It's almost like you've never heard the phrase 'smile with your eyes.' " GASP! Translation: WELCOME TO THE THUNDERDOME! I really thought it was go time. Everyone knows she expects contestants to do their ANTM homework and memorize every word she's said on the show! Why the fuck do you think the "models" are there?!? To highlight Tyra of course! I thought she was about to pop a vein in her tenhead and smother a bitch. "I have NEVER in my life killed a girl this way! I was rooting for you, we were all rooting for you! How dare you! Learn something from this!"

You know what I learned? Tyra Banks has beaten a fierce horse to death, and must be wishing for a deranged person to extinguish her miserable existence, thus immortalizing her.

On No, It's Real

Class With The C(o)untess is actually happening. Some dumbfuck actually paid this uppity bitch to write about her journey from lowly trash of Native American heritage to gold digging slag and give baseless etiquette tips on the way. By the way, I thought we were calling them American Indians now. The best part of the book page is the discussion forum. It has one post:



Cristina Fischer says:
From the Post, about de Lesseps's antics at a friend's wedding:LuAnn, who was there with her husband, Alexandre Count de Lessups [sic], seemed overwhelmed with affection for her fellow guests. "She was trying to make out with women and married men," the source said. "A pregnant wife caught her in the act, stormed off and walked home in disgust." Alexandre "tried to make her leave and was seen throwing her to the ground in the parking lot," our spy continued.

OMG! The Countess is that sloppy, old sorority sister that you had to invite to the wedding but you were nervous would lose control and misbehave. (Those ones always prove you right for dropping them the minute you turn 26.) Apparently LuAnn wasn't just kissing married men, she was grabbing at their crotches, too. She also stole the mike and started singing songs during the wedding band's set, thereby interrupting the dancing - the worst marriage party foul of all. LuAnn and the Count deny the entire "Page Six" report. Still, we can't wait for Bravo! to try to re-create the scene, and get one of their reality producers to take a dump in the "Just Married"-mobile and pin it on LuAnn.



I came across a photo of the Crusty Cuntess' son today:



It's creepy that he has the same haircut as his mother. On the other hand, they would totally win Motherboy!

Zzzzzzzzzz

The real housewives need to duke it out or dyke it out already, because these bitches are straight up soporific. I haven't decided if it's a good thing that soporific is the first word to come to mind. Anyway, I'll save you an hour of your life. Jill is boring, New Girl is lame (except for being arrested recently), Ramona has bug eyes, Luann is delusional, Alex is human Ambien, Bethenny is the only one in on the joke, and they're all cunty. The best moment occurred when Alex was packing her house for renovations:

"Probably don't need the denim ball gown, as much as I love it."

Hey, Tulsy Tsan, NOBODY needs a denim ball gown. Ever. Moreover, that's a fucking oxymoron. It's more like something Britney Spears would call her "eatin' dress."

One of the disturbing yet comforting facts of the world is that truly ANYONE can get laid. If you look hard enough, there's always someone kinky or strange enough to fuck the unfuckable.