Happy Monday!

You Can Never Go Home Again

My brother and I visited my mother and her mother yesterday. Amidst awkward and sad moments, there were definitely some good ones. Some of them had to do with a game of scrabble we played while waiting for lunch to cook. At one point, my brother says "damn it, I can't think of a good word to play," and he showed me his pieces. Among them were three Ts. I said "titty." He said, "dude" and flicked a glance at our mom. I said, "Charlie, mom knows what titties are."

Charlie: "Wait how do you spell that?"

Mom: "Three Ts total."

Charlie also felt obligated to play "semen" a few turns later.

PS Google Image searching for "dirty scrabble" is pretty fun. My favorite words of the ones shown here are "widecunt," "cumrot," and "wangnet." WangNet sounds like either a gay porn site or an oblivious Asian teenager's Myspace page.

Curry Puffs

My friend Jay told me about an encounter with a hot cab driver earlier today. He got in and stuttered and fumbled when trying to tell him his destination because he was so caught off guard. It really is a rare thing to find attractive cabbies. Jay said he wanted to pay him differently than he was expecting. I can just see it: "excuse me, sir, do you accept anal currency?"

Mr. Peanut

I went to high school with a girl named Tercel. Yes, like the Toyota. I always wanted to ask her what her parents were thinking when they named her, but she was kind of scary even though she was really short. She claimed to have a severe peanut allergy. Over lunch on day, she told me about how she was making with some guy over the weekend, and her mouth started to tingle. She asked him, "did you have peanuts? Cuz I can taste it in yo mouf."

Tool Academy

Yes, VH1 has yet another "reality" show. It's like Charm School for douchebags. Bad boyfriends think they're on a show called Mr. Awesome, but later find out they're on it because they're assholes. One eliminated per week, blah blah blah. Their girlfriends are there with them to work on honesty, fidelity, you know, that boring stuff. Here's a quick rundown of the tools:

Ryan "Matsuflex"- naked tool- I think he's a stripper or something, because he keeps talking about (and showing) his "man panties." He braggs about how he can pick up dollar bills from the ground with his buttcheeks. Is that on anyone's list of qualities that he/she's looking for in a guy? He has a terrible tribal tattoo on one shoulder/arm. Despite his exhibitionism and narcissistic personality disorder, there's something really attractive about him. He and his chick win the bed challenge, but not before he strips to his manties for the home stretch.

Mega-playa pimpin' tool- Says his name stands for "makes every girl aroused." Busted. His girlfriend says about him "Mega, please." Use your imagination with that one.

Josh-tiny tool-little ghetto wannab dude. Has big trashy girlfriend. His number one priority is bowling, and in the catwalk challenge, he brings a bolwing ball on the runway with him. He said in an interview that he has to put his foot down with his gf, and she was like "you have to put your foot down?!" Clearly she's the one putting her oversized foot down and up his little ass.

Clarence-"Celebrity"-party tool. boring.

Tommy-slacker tool-unemployed and lives off gf's child support money. Nice! This guy is one quality gentleman. He says he's as good at hoops as he is in bed. Then when he dribbles a basketball on the runway, he hits a random chickenhead in the chickenface. In the later challenge where the guys give the girls instructions on how to assemble a bedframe, Tommy flips his shit, yells at his girl, and throws everything in sight. "She was trying to demasculate me, and you're not gonna show me up. I'm gonna break something, and I'm gonna pick this heavy fuckin chair up, and I'm gonna throw it, and you're gonna like it too." Marry me.

Shawn-loud-mouth tool- he has this fucked up emo-inspired bullshit haircut that just hurts to look at. Even though he has it, there's something that draws me to him, and I despise myself for it.

Joey - cold-hearted tool- boring, mean. He says he has his girlfriend "trained" to do the dishes, laundry, and clean the entire apartment.

Robert - power tool - he looks old and ugly. Too bulky. Blah.

Dimitri - greek tool - typical asshole. He gets the boot at the end of the episode and the girlfriend decides to stay with him. Dumb skank.


What really disappoints me with this show is the line the host gives at elimination: "I'm sorry, but you're just a tool." Not only is it unclever, but it's offensive to real tools. At least real tools serve a purpose.

Funny Games

Hmmm. . . this is a picture of part of the jumble section in my local paper a few weeks ago. What's the first word that pops into your head when you see this? For me it wasn't the correct answer, which was "aging."

Edit For Last Post

A much better joke occurred to me about the picture of the ano girl:
Calista Flockhart, eat your heart out then throw it up so you don't gain any weight.

I Can Has Anurekseeya?

I have all these fucked up pictures on my phone, so I figured I'd share them. Here's a pretty one of a woman who used to powerwalk by my old apartment all the time. She puts Lara Flynn Boyle to SHAME:

I Hate Myself

I've been making fun of Twilight for some time now even though I haven't read the book or seen the movie. I've just read a lot of material about how poorly the books are written and how much the movie sucks. I decided I needed to get some firsthand dirt on it, so I started to read the first book. I'm only a few chapters into it, but so far I'm a little disappointed because it's not quite as bad as I thought it would be. I just don't want to end up enjoying it. I want so badly to hate it, and so far I hate the characters and the style, but I'm sure there's more suckiness to come. I made sure to download free copies of the books because I don't want to add to the author's sales. I read that 10% of the money goes to the Mormon church. I've met plenty of cool Mormons with whom I got along great and didn't think I was going to hell or anything, but in light of the whole Prop 8 debacle, I would feel like a major hypocrite knowlingly giving them support. So here I go on my self-loathing adventure in the land of sparkly vampires and umsympathetic heroines.

Jizzsicles

Fun fact: freezing semen requires a vessel capable of reaching -200 degrees centigrade. I heard this on TV, so I know it's true. TV would never lie to me. It made me think of a post by the funny bastards over at 2friends1blog:
http://2friends1blog.blogspot.com/2008/10/jizz-quiz.html
Trying to create homemade jizz pops would really result in more of a cum custard. But maybe that's your kind of thing. Sprinkle some sugar on top and blowtorch the shit: Cum Brûlée!