Proper Motivation

It counts for a lot when finishing tasks. I found my seeing-eye faggot's MySpace page. His music is less than riveting, but that's okay. He won't be singing with his mouth full.




(It really doesn't get much gayer than that. Oh wait. . . )

Not Enough!

I like to watch the audition rounds of American Idol to see people's dreams dashed like baby seal heads. There's a blind dude in the competition: Scott MacIntyre. It's inspiring, he's gifted and amazing, blah blah blah. I was paying more attention to his helper guy (the one on the left in the picture). So fine. I was like, "fuck the blind guy, let's see more of this homo!" I did a little research (and I really mean a little, y'all know I can be lazy.) and the mystery queer is his brother Todd. What a gay name. Almost gayer than "Scott." I couldn't much on him. If I go blind, I'd like an attractive seeing-eye faggot too. You know the stereotype of blind people always asking to feel people's faces to get an idea of what they look like? And you know how one can eyefuck or eyerape somebody else? Well, according to the transitive property, when I go blind, it'll be okay for me to handrape hot guys. "Your honor, this is outrageous! I was simply getting a good look at his toned abdomen and firm, muscled, perfectly-haired taint. And prostate."

The name "Scott" is especially gay to me. Back in the day, I went with my friend K to see American Beauty. As we were talking in the theater before the movie started, I told her I liked dudes. She wasn't surprised, and one of her first questions was about how I was going to tell my parents. She said, "what are you going to do? Just show up when you're 22 and be like 'this is Sssscott.'?"

Thomas Dekker Is An Amazing Actor. . .

. . . because he doesn't come off as faggy in his Terminator show. He stank up E! last night with his gayness on Chelsea Lately. Seriously, he's so queer he sweats glitter. Props to him for being able to butch it up for television when he tries really hard. Chelsea joked that he didn't come off as gay as Jesse McCartney, and he thanked her for the compliment. Meanwhile he was probably thinking, "if you only knew. I have a giant buttplug in right now."

Shield Thin Eyes

(Here's a picture of Madonna's poor, unfortunate, and hairy offspring)
This is hideous. I'm sure you've all been dying to see Madonna's old school hairy snatch. Well, feast your eyes on this. You can zoom way in and everything. It's SO HAIRY. Ahhhhh! She totally has wrap-around pubes. Her bush is so thick all along her taint/perineum/chode/grundle/gooch (wow, there are a lot of words for that. Like Eskimos and "snow"), you just know her asshole is equally hirsute.

I Can Has Halp?

I jotted a quote down a few days ago, but now I can't remember what it's from! Chances are it's a recent episode of terrible reality television:


"The most ditziest, no-knowledge-havin' bitch that I've ever met."

Fight Club

This whole thing with Chris Brown and Rihanna is fucked up. I know that. But I also know I can't be the only person dying to see pictures of Rihanna afterward. Black eyes might make a bulldyke look tough and intimidating, but it doesn't really work that way for a delicate Barbadian princess.



A friend and I used to mention every now and then how scars and fading bruises can make a guy hotter. We're twisted, I know. I don't mean a puffy, swollen Renee Zellweger eye. I mean the kind that looks like he got in a bar brawl last week, or "walked into a door." I'm all about a cleft lip/palate repair scar on a dude, but we all know I have different proclivities.

Good One

Oh yeah, 1000 hits. Kudos me, I made myself pregnant (1:36 mark).

On to the point:
I just heard a fantastic new term. Maneltoe. I've heard mooseknuckle and camelballs, but this is a good one. When guys where really tight pants and the seam separates the balls, this is the result.

Ladyballs

Fix your weave and tuck your nuts! It's time for. . .

RuPaul's Drag Race
Yeshhhh.
It's like America's Next Top Model, America's Got Talent, Project Runway (for this episode at least), and America's Fiercest Tranny all in one. Technically they're not trannies....since so many people get it twisted, let's get something clear first:

transvestite: anyone dressed up in the opposite sex's clothing; cross-dresser: gay, straight, whatevs. For a while it was used specifically for hetero guys who enjoy wearing women's clothing.
drag queen: a cross-dresser who does so for entertainment purposes; i.e., Lady Bunny and Coco Peru. And RuPaul, duh.
transsexual/transgender: someone who identifies with the physical sex other than that with which he/she was born. These are the ones who potentially qualify for sexual reassignment surgery. When people say "trannies," this is usally what they mean.

These boys may or may not be trannies, but I'm going to be using all the terms loosely. I just like the word tranny.

Oh, and there's something else thou shalt not get twisted. As much as I respect her, RuPaul did not invent all this tranny vernacular. Supermodel of the world? No, no, no. Much of it was coined in NYC in the 70s and 80s. Do yourself a favor, and watch Paris Is Burning. You might be able to understand more of my jokes that way. On to the show. . .

You know what? I suddenly got really unmotivated. I'll just say there are some manly, busted queens and some manly, not-quite-as-busted queens. I just want to focus on one contestant: Tammie Brown.


Dear Tammie Brown,
What happened to your face? I can only imagine what sort of horrible accident befell you to make you look that way. What I'm specifically worried about is your forehead. I mean. . . damn. I'm sorry, I know it's not cool to make fun of people with birth defects, but modern medicine offers many options for extreme drag makeovers. I think lowering your hairline would make all the difference. Oh, and a personality transplant.
xoxo
Schad N. Freude


I have to admit I was extremely repulsed by Tammie at first. But the more I looked, the more I loved. It's as if Lucille Ball, Joan Crawford, Bette Davis, and Chewbacca had a forgy and created a demented baby. Her forehead is off the hook! Tyra Banks ain't got shit on her. I like her painfully awkward and uncomfortable look and persona in drag. My favorite art and literature always make me uncomfortable. The thing is, he's actually cute as a boy.



Except for those eyebrows. Yowza. Maybe he should have just grown out the unibrow (you can totally tell his eyebrow would RUN to uni) and do Frida Kahlo drag. Oh snap, that's kind of a good idea. I call dibs! Sexy Frida drag is mine.


Random Busted Queens:

Text On Fire

Jay: Whatever happened to New York?
(note: of course I automatically knew he meant the skeezy reality show whore, not the state or city)
Me: probably in thailand getting her cocknballs chopped.
Jay: HAH!
Me: and bigger tits. always gotta be bigger. "just put some rice and coconut milk up in there"
Jay: YES in a burlap sack
Me: and lots of sriracha. . . you know how her people like hot sauce
Jay: Word
Me: hey! there's a sober character on gossip girl. i'm a few eps behind so i'm sure they'll have him relapse and deathrape somebody
Jay: Hahaha, I need to start watching that show
Me: you will LOVE. like 10inch cock love
Jay: That's the purest truest love I know
Me: isn't it though? i'm seeing a mommy tuck her kids in at night saying "goodnight, sweethearts, remember...mommy loves like a 10inch cock."

Crazy Texty Cool

From Last Night:

me: what's up??

Lila: hahahahhaaaaaaaaa

So, I read your blog today, as usual. Then, I tried to comment. I wanted my comment to say "I bet goldilocks has an innie."

BUT, my computer wouldn't let me post. SO, I texted it to you. Then, I added some. Basically, I said

me: ohno

Lila: "i bet goldilocks has an innie. I wonder what I have. Hmm, I went to the gyno today. I should have asked her! I mean, i bet she sees soooo many that she would know, right? I just hope mine's not porridge. or oatmeal...yet at least. but i guess that's a better question for my boyfriend."

BUT

instead of sending it to you

i ACCIDENTALLY

sent it

to my coworker at work.

me: AHAHAHAHAHAHHA

Lila: and she was like "wtf?"

Lila: I had some explaining to do there.

me: omg

Lila: haha, she's cool. But, i feel SO awkward

so, i was like

Oh, sorry Jeannine! That wasn't for you

then write

me: technology is so dangerous

hahaha

Lila: wrote: that was for my friend schad, he writes a blog about vaginas and porn

(which doesn't sound much better!)

me: yeah that's much better

Lila: i know!

so, then she was like, "haha, okay"and i sent her the link to your blog

me: she's like "i don't think this is really appropriate for work"

Lindsay: now you will have a new reader, and i will have a co-worker who thinks about oatmeal vagina every time she looks at me.

maybe you should post this story...

Lila: NO Oatmeal Vagina at work. I'm pretty sure my boss wrote that in the office rules.

DONE

how are you dearie?! Don't you have to go to bed?

me: porridge poon

i'm good!

Lila: hey, shut it

i DO NOT have porridge poon!

me: stressed but pretty good

is it mm mm good?

Lila: stressed? work? boys? smelly people at work?

haha, YES. My gyno likes it.

me: work of course.

do you have male or female gyno? preference?

Lila: FEMALE

She is cute and Asian.

She's fast. I love her.

. . .

Sounds like a BDSM sketch

do you have a safe word?

"Shut up biatch!" would be a good one

Me: safe word is "niggerfaggot"

me: i know i'm up late for me, but i want to watch intervention before i go to bed.

i love that show because it makes me feel better about myself

Lila: okay, go watch

haha

me: really? no comment of NF?

Lila: LOVE

me: oooh i added "angelmaker" to urban dictionary!

Lindsay: nice

def?

yes, i saw the NF comment

me: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=angelmaker

Lila: Perfect safe word

poyfect

hahha.

good def

that needed to be added

"I'm not a murderer, I'm an ANGELmaker"

me: yes! that'll be my strategy if i go postal some day. the "Angelmaker Defense"

Lila: it's a good one

okay, i'm tired now

alright lovey

goodnight

me: we'll talk later, PP

kisses

Lila: hey, i am NOT a porridge poon;(

me: maybe not, but you totally opened pandora's BOX

Lila: haha

like my winking frowny face?

byeeeeeeee

me: nighty night

Lila: i'm so embarrassed to go to work tomorrow