Aw Shit All Over Ya Face, Kid

I don't know what triggered this, but I spent a good five minutes today thinking about a nasty story from a while ago. Back in the day my old swim team trained in the morning at an outdoor pool during the summer. The pool was closed one morning when we arrived, but none of the staff would tell us why. I later got the scoop from a friend who was lifeguarding at the time. You see, the majority of people who show up at 5:30 a.m. to do laps are OLD. It seems one such old lady was enjoying a refreshing swim in the brisk water when, oh no!, her colostomy bag broke! She must have been eating overtime at a salmonella buffet the night before, because apparently, there was a shit trail of her frantic movements. The bag of mostly liquid shit busted while she was swimming, so the woman raced to the ladder at the side of the pool. Her shit trail then led to the ladies' locker room where she made it to a toilet. Oh but the fun doesn't stop there. She managed to fuck this toilet's world up and move to another stall. She somehow got everything under control and hightailed it the fuck out of there, leaving enough DNA to make an army of old, dirty, shameful broads. Thankfully the staff didn't let us swim that morning, but it wouldn't have surprised me if they had.



Ah, shitting in pools brings back such memories! When I was very young, my parents put me and my brother in day care for a while. It was through the local YMCA, and I don't remember much of it. But I do remember one fateful day. They made us play every now and then, and this particular day I really had to shit. I don't know why I didn't just say so! I just clung to the ladder with one hand and pulled my speedo (yes, speedo) aside with my other while I kept an out for anyone looking at me suspiciously. I let a few turds go, and I felt much better. I just swam away and acted like nothing happened. I don't remember actually seeing them in the pool, but I remember the fallout. No one would admit to doing it, and in my head I was kind of able to trick myself into believing I was innocent! You know how children and OJ Simpson can do that? Our punishment was way harsh, Ty. We weren't allowed to watch The Chipmunks cartoon that day! I lived for that shit. Well, the Chipettes, really, because they song hot 80s songs. And I liked the nerdy bitch with the glasses.

Going to hundreds of swim meets as a kid can get really boring at times. When we wanted to liven things up and perhaps buy some time between events, we'd make sure facility staff noticed turds in the pool. Not real turds, but usually food in bar form. Powerbars looked alright from far away, but you needed a Baby Ruth or a Mounds to really sell it.

The Latke Doesn't Fall Far From The Tree

I didn't see this until just now, but I love it.

Monkey See, Monkey Hairdo

What the fuck? I was watching a trashy show today that I won't name, and Selma Blair was a guest star. I noticed she had the hairline of a chimpanzee. The shitty picture above is from the episode. I thought that a stylist, publicist, or even a hobo would have mentioned it to her by now, so she could fix it. I don't watch Kath & Kim, but she has bangs in it, right? They are but a band-aid on a gaping, gangrenous wound. Examine the evidence below and let's figure out a way to get this poor bitch to an Indian hairline threader STAT. If Tyra Banks can get undiscovered "models" to fix their hairlines, I think Selma Motherfucking Blair can do it too.

Tough Love

Have you seen this shit on VH1? First of all, I'm not sure what to think of the host. This Steve Ward matchmaking douche prides himself on his rules of dating, providing a man's perspective in the form of condescending rants. Fine, I'm cool with that. Some of these bitches in the cast need to be scolded. Or scalded. . . with acid. Can we just do both? So far, the show has mostly consisted of him giving advice on how not to scare off a guy within the first few meetings. It's mostly common sense, but we all know there are plenty of people out there who lack it. I can't tell if Steve is fuckable or not. Eh who am I kidding? I'd bounce on it, but he looks like the kind of guy you hate until he's inside you.





On to the ridiculous cast. Wow, the VH1 page for it has some amazing bios! Here are some excerpts from Token black girl Abiola's (yes, oh so close to areola). I swear I'm not making this up:


Her bright smile and infectious laughter conceal a deep-rooted fear that she will never find someone to share the beautiful moments in life with. She has been contemplating buying another cat, which her friends have strongly advised her against, stating she's on a slippery slope to becoming the lonely old cat lady.
. . .
After watching the Presidential election results alone and celebrating with a cake made for 1, Abiola realized that there was a need for CHANGE in her personal life, as well as that of our country's!

Ouch! She's actually pretty likable on the show, though a bit clingy.







Then there's Arian. Firstly, STOP NAMING CHILDREN VARIATIONS OF "ARYAN." It's not hip. It's not cool. In fact, it beings to mind white supremacy and MILLIONS of murdered people. I don't care if it means "very holy one" in Greek or some shit or that in 1978 886 girls were named Arian. That's 886 sad little girls with ignorant bitches for mothers. It doesn't matter what the original meaning was, it's the context. Okay, the point is Arian (sigh) is kind of a slut. She says she "was" a stripper, but she basically still is. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Daddy issues!

Arian grew up seeking approval from her father, but rarely got it. She emphatically believes that there is no man on the face of the earth that could be faithful to one woman for his entire life. When she meets men that she thinks she could potentially fall in love with, she purposely tries to repulse them. She has a "two week rule" for men. After a couple of weeks of partying, she kicks them to the curb and cuts off all communication.

Okay, I can deal with her bullshit, but she lists Twilight as her favorite book. Fuck you. If your favorite book is The Da Vinci Code, fuck you too (except for you, MP Sunshine, I'll let you pass. For now).






Jessa. Wow. Her problem is obsession. She's the one most likely to boil a dude's rabbit.
Most recently, she was dumped for taking pictures of her overnight guest while he was sleeping and then texting him the midnight photo shoot the next day. Damn. She probably stole some pubes and kept a turd he dropped in the toilet so she could make a miniature of him. And love it forever.









Jody is the oldest of the group, and she's cool enough, but she only ever talks about her work. Regarding her career, she's driven, focused, and goal-oriented. That's great, but it won't get her dick. Actually, I don't think she meant to be on this show. She was looking for carrots, wandered over while grazing, and thought it was "Trough Love."






Natasha is super boring. Next.







Stasha is out of control. She's Serbian, and won't shut the fuck up about how she was in Playboy. She was a three-time Playmate of the year. In Croatia. Croatia. I don't know how it works for women over there, so I don't know what her competition was like. I might be impressed if a guy got some title like that, because those countries over there produce some fine ass men for gay porn. But Stasha? I get the feeling she used to be like one of those drugged out skanks in Hostel who lure men into underground killing clubs. On the show she claims to be 33. Her VH1 profile says she's 28. She looks more like 45. I really hope she not 28 or even 33. That would be sad. I guess she could be that young, but she just looks used. Like she gets fucked a lot. Her MySpace page is great! Lots of slutty pictures and whatnot. It's a little creepy that we share so many of the same interests though. But seriously, what is the deal with her pictures? Even the bio picture on the VH1 website has her looking all busted. Can't they photoshop that shit?





There have been a few cat fights, but nothing really good yet. I'm hoping some of these twats will duke it out. The problem with the show is that it's not set up as a competition. All it needs is to kick off the bitch who's making the least progress at the end of every show, and you'll have bitches fighting all the time! Come on, Steve. Get it together.

Banana Boat

Brother: I can't wait for belly shirts to be cool on men.


Me: You missed the boat on that one. You would have to be a circa 1990 faggot.


Brother: So all I need to do is become gay and go back in time?


Me: It's a tall order.





Oh, and just because American Apparel sells them, doesn't mean it's cool.

I Feel Your Pain

A picture has surfaced of Joe Jonas pulling his eyes in alleged imitation of Asians, much like the picture of that 45-year-old-looking skankster Miley Cyrus. A lot of people are pissed off and calling him racist, but I have the inside scoop. I'll have you know that he isn't making fun of anyone in that picture! He was simply wiping away his eye makeup that was running due to his ladycrying. You try getting double-stuffed in the ass by your brothers without shedding at least a few tears.

Can You Say "Puta?"

Hey, kids! We at Mattel are proud to present the new Tween Dora! She's grown up with you, and she has a whole new life. Moving to the big city sure hasn't been easy on our Dora. Seven months after her adventure in the back alley of a liquor store, she gave birth to a little explorer of her very own! The trouble is, food stamps and state health care only go so far in feeding and caring for her fetal alcohol syndrome baby. Dora dances on the weekends at the Clammy Crevice, but she spends all week exploring the city and getting into sticky situations while pursuing her own adventurous hobbies. Tune in, and watch her chase the dragon! And make sure to buy her posable doll (includes syringe, needles, glass pipe, one shoe, premature Pepito baby doll, and washable marker for drawing bruises) because Dora's got an insatiable addiction to feed!

Rotten Ass Zombie Face Pussy Lips of Love

This morning I saw the VH1 Blog entry for the cast of the upcoming show Daisy of Love starring the mentally disabled lazy eyed surgically augmented muppet Daisy De La Hoya. Douchewrap supreme 12 Pack is back d,f/g jdweiubvn b.cvop
Oops, I nodded off for a moment. Allow me to focus on the sickly triplets who are clearly on the hunt for pussy. I thought they were all the same person, but apparently they aren't. They look like that faggy singer from Tokio Hotel. I'm looking forward to their interactions with the rest of the cast. I know the other guys are going to be receptive to tips on painting their nails, wearing an oversized scarf properly, and accomodating the Great American Challenge yet maintaining a tight butthole (read: impossible. The triplets can probably all fit inside each other like Russian nesting dolls).



Look, do what you want to do, dress how you like, but I'm still going to make fun of you. These queermos are so gay that they know how to spell fuchsia.



I'd definitely be interested in watching them get it on with each other. Or maybe just some ass-to-ass-to-ass triple-headed dildo action. Is it incest if they don't touch? What the fuck is wrong with me?

This Bitch's Cake Is A Lie

Here's a quote from Milf of Real Chance of Love about what she does for a living:
"Now, basically, I have a website where I talk people through training and getting ready for fitness. I’m also about to do another photo shoot."
Um, check out her "fitness website," and let me know if it'll help you get in shape for a marathon.....
Here it is.


Maybe a dicksucking marathon or a double-vaginal double-anal marathon. If you're looking to snatch the record for world's biggest gangbang, talk to that bitch. Or if you're just looking for live video chat.

"Your Poison Womb Is Making Heaven Too Fucking Crowded"

I just discovered a prank section of a funny website.

Zack Parsons is clearly a genius and master wordsmith. His sense of humor is right up my alley and is making my panties wet.

First read the source. It's long but well worth it.

Then check out his chat with a deadbabymama.