I Can Has Halp?

I jotted a quote down a few days ago, but now I can't remember what it's from! Chances are it's a recent episode of terrible reality television:


"The most ditziest, no-knowledge-havin' bitch that I've ever met."

Fight Club

This whole thing with Chris Brown and Rihanna is fucked up. I know that. But I also know I can't be the only person dying to see pictures of Rihanna afterward. Black eyes might make a bulldyke look tough and intimidating, but it doesn't really work that way for a delicate Barbadian princess.



A friend and I used to mention every now and then how scars and fading bruises can make a guy hotter. We're twisted, I know. I don't mean a puffy, swollen Renee Zellweger eye. I mean the kind that looks like he got in a bar brawl last week, or "walked into a door." I'm all about a cleft lip/palate repair scar on a dude, but we all know I have different proclivities.

Good One

Oh yeah, 1000 hits. Kudos me, I made myself pregnant (1:36 mark).

On to the point:
I just heard a fantastic new term. Maneltoe. I've heard mooseknuckle and camelballs, but this is a good one. When guys where really tight pants and the seam separates the balls, this is the result.

Ladyballs

Fix your weave and tuck your nuts! It's time for. . .

RuPaul's Drag Race
Yeshhhh.
It's like America's Next Top Model, America's Got Talent, Project Runway (for this episode at least), and America's Fiercest Tranny all in one. Technically they're not trannies....since so many people get it twisted, let's get something clear first:

transvestite: anyone dressed up in the opposite sex's clothing; cross-dresser: gay, straight, whatevs. For a while it was used specifically for hetero guys who enjoy wearing women's clothing.
drag queen: a cross-dresser who does so for entertainment purposes; i.e., Lady Bunny and Coco Peru. And RuPaul, duh.
transsexual/transgender: someone who identifies with the physical sex other than that with which he/she was born. These are the ones who potentially qualify for sexual reassignment surgery. When people say "trannies," this is usally what they mean.

These boys may or may not be trannies, but I'm going to be using all the terms loosely. I just like the word tranny.

Oh, and there's something else thou shalt not get twisted. As much as I respect her, RuPaul did not invent all this tranny vernacular. Supermodel of the world? No, no, no. Much of it was coined in NYC in the 70s and 80s. Do yourself a favor, and watch Paris Is Burning. You might be able to understand more of my jokes that way. On to the show. . .

You know what? I suddenly got really unmotivated. I'll just say there are some manly, busted queens and some manly, not-quite-as-busted queens. I just want to focus on one contestant: Tammie Brown.


Dear Tammie Brown,
What happened to your face? I can only imagine what sort of horrible accident befell you to make you look that way. What I'm specifically worried about is your forehead. I mean. . . damn. I'm sorry, I know it's not cool to make fun of people with birth defects, but modern medicine offers many options for extreme drag makeovers. I think lowering your hairline would make all the difference. Oh, and a personality transplant.
xoxo
Schad N. Freude


I have to admit I was extremely repulsed by Tammie at first. But the more I looked, the more I loved. It's as if Lucille Ball, Joan Crawford, Bette Davis, and Chewbacca had a forgy and created a demented baby. Her forehead is off the hook! Tyra Banks ain't got shit on her. I like her painfully awkward and uncomfortable look and persona in drag. My favorite art and literature always make me uncomfortable. The thing is, he's actually cute as a boy.



Except for those eyebrows. Yowza. Maybe he should have just grown out the unibrow (you can totally tell his eyebrow would RUN to uni) and do Frida Kahlo drag. Oh snap, that's kind of a good idea. I call dibs! Sexy Frida drag is mine.


Random Busted Queens:

Text On Fire

Jay: Whatever happened to New York?
(note: of course I automatically knew he meant the skeezy reality show whore, not the state or city)
Me: probably in thailand getting her cocknballs chopped.
Jay: HAH!
Me: and bigger tits. always gotta be bigger. "just put some rice and coconut milk up in there"
Jay: YES in a burlap sack
Me: and lots of sriracha. . . you know how her people like hot sauce
Jay: Word
Me: hey! there's a sober character on gossip girl. i'm a few eps behind so i'm sure they'll have him relapse and deathrape somebody
Jay: Hahaha, I need to start watching that show
Me: you will LOVE. like 10inch cock love
Jay: That's the purest truest love I know
Me: isn't it though? i'm seeing a mommy tuck her kids in at night saying "goodnight, sweethearts, remember...mommy loves like a 10inch cock."

Crazy Texty Cool

From Last Night:

me: what's up??

Lila: hahahahhaaaaaaaaa

So, I read your blog today, as usual. Then, I tried to comment. I wanted my comment to say "I bet goldilocks has an innie."

BUT, my computer wouldn't let me post. SO, I texted it to you. Then, I added some. Basically, I said

me: ohno

Lila: "i bet goldilocks has an innie. I wonder what I have. Hmm, I went to the gyno today. I should have asked her! I mean, i bet she sees soooo many that she would know, right? I just hope mine's not porridge. or oatmeal...yet at least. but i guess that's a better question for my boyfriend."

BUT

instead of sending it to you

i ACCIDENTALLY

sent it

to my coworker at work.

me: AHAHAHAHAHAHHA

Lila: and she was like "wtf?"

Lila: I had some explaining to do there.

me: omg

Lila: haha, she's cool. But, i feel SO awkward

so, i was like

Oh, sorry Jeannine! That wasn't for you

then write

me: technology is so dangerous

hahaha

Lila: wrote: that was for my friend schad, he writes a blog about vaginas and porn

(which doesn't sound much better!)

me: yeah that's much better

Lila: i know!

so, then she was like, "haha, okay"and i sent her the link to your blog

me: she's like "i don't think this is really appropriate for work"

Lindsay: now you will have a new reader, and i will have a co-worker who thinks about oatmeal vagina every time she looks at me.

maybe you should post this story...

Lila: NO Oatmeal Vagina at work. I'm pretty sure my boss wrote that in the office rules.

DONE

how are you dearie?! Don't you have to go to bed?

me: porridge poon

i'm good!

Lila: hey, shut it

i DO NOT have porridge poon!

me: stressed but pretty good

is it mm mm good?

Lila: stressed? work? boys? smelly people at work?

haha, YES. My gyno likes it.

me: work of course.

do you have male or female gyno? preference?

Lila: FEMALE

She is cute and Asian.

She's fast. I love her.

. . .

Sounds like a BDSM sketch

do you have a safe word?

"Shut up biatch!" would be a good one

Me: safe word is "niggerfaggot"

me: i know i'm up late for me, but i want to watch intervention before i go to bed.

i love that show because it makes me feel better about myself

Lila: okay, go watch

haha

me: really? no comment of NF?

Lila: LOVE

me: oooh i added "angelmaker" to urban dictionary!

Lindsay: nice

def?

yes, i saw the NF comment

me: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=angelmaker

Lila: Perfect safe word

poyfect

hahha.

good def

that needed to be added

"I'm not a murderer, I'm an ANGELmaker"

me: yes! that'll be my strategy if i go postal some day. the "Angelmaker Defense"

Lila: it's a good one

okay, i'm tired now

alright lovey

goodnight

me: we'll talk later, PP

kisses

Lila: hey, i am NOT a porridge poon;(

me: maybe not, but you totally opened pandora's BOX

Lila: haha

like my winking frowny face?

byeeeeeeee

me: nighty night

Lila: i'm so embarrassed to go to work tomorrow

The More You Know

After a little looking around, I found out what a "hybrid pussy" is. On the BangBros website, one can browse through the girls according to physical attributes. The options for pussy are innie, outie, and hybrid. I'm guessing this refers to the positioning of the labia. Innie would mean not being able to see the inner labia at all. Outie must mean having mad beefdrapes flapping out of the outer labia. Hybrid should be a happy medium.

That reminds me of three really close female friends I lived with my freshman year of university. They were like Goldilocks and The Three Baginas. They showed me their vaginas all the time. One kind of looked like it was trying to swallow itself, or it had just eaten something sour; one was a definite outie; and the last was just right.

What Is A Hybrid Snatch?

(More evidence for Team MANtasha: an apparent happy trail.)

It only took about two minutes of browsing a porn website, and I found Natasha, or "Scarlett Mei Dior." Tacky name, slut. I wonder if she even got to choose it though. You can see her in action here:
()


Please allow me to share her profile with you:


Profile for: Scarlett Mei Dior
About her:
Name: Scarlett Mei Dior
Body type: Athletic
Pussy hair: Bald/shaven
Ethnicity: Black
Hair color: Dark
Tit type: Enhanced
Pussy type: Hybrid
Ass: Medium Ass
Tit size: Medium Tits


Summary
Scarlett Mei Dior is beautiful, and very well spoken. High cheekbones, sensuous eyes, and a pretty smile characterize Scarlett’s facial features. Scarlett was featured on a reality television show, and now she is ready for the biz. She has a toned body showcasing strong flat abs, a firm ass, and a pretty pussy with a clit piercing. In addition to all her other physical attributes, Scarlett has a nice set a boobs. Although a bit shy in front of the camera, when Scarlett relaxes, the sexual tigress emerges to entertain all with erotic magic.

Oooooookay, I have a few issues so far:

1) What the fuck is a hybrid pussy?!? Does it get really good mileage? Is it better for the environment? Is it rather quiet compared to other inefficient pussies? Is it pretentious?
2) "Erotic magic?" Is she pulling a rabbit out of her hybrid pussy?


The title of her video is "An Ohio Handjob." Here's the blurb for it:

"Overlooking a beautiful Miami view Scarlett is a pleasant distraction. Why pay any mind to the landscape when she's your date? She's slim and sexy as hell. I'm a sucker for smiles and she's got a big one. You really need to see her naked. It's quite the site to see her take off her clothes. She has nice tits and the flattest stomach. Some girls can give a hand job, and some girls can give a "HAND JOB". She's the latter. She uses all her assets. Pun intended. "

Oh, and the options for "pussy hair" are bald/shaven, big bush, and landing strip. One of the options for body type is "BBW." I do believe that stands for "big black woman."

I need to get a job freelance writing for the people who run these kind of websites. I could shit out more interesting copy, and at least it would be grammatically correct.

My Cock of Love Must Bust

Time for the weekly skankfest. It looks like I just can't get away from the trannies. The episode opens with girls making comments about how manly Natasha and her man voice are. Bret brings out three "frumpy" girls for his current bitches to give makeovers. It's very She's All That, since it's obvious the girls are kind of pretty but dressed down. Natasha lets us know "I have an advantage in this challenge. I know what I'm doing. . . I'm obviously the queen of extreme makeovers." Is she letting the cat out of the bag? Or rather the cock out of the panties?

Bret announced that he is also a fan of natural breasts, and Farrah rolled her eyes. Her tits are offensive. My philosophy is if just one of your boobs is bigger than your head, you should have a matching gut. Farrah went on to say about a makeover contestant, "she's lookin' like a recovering heroin addict that was dressed up by a couple experimental monkeys." So you're saying she looked like any scrawny, pale-faced snatch walking for fashion shows?

Natasha had this to say about contestant Jennifer: "She dresses like a tacky crossdresser." I guess she would know, dressing like a tacky transsexual herself.

Our favorite girl Ashley mentioned that new girl Tammy "looks like Rosie O'Donnell if Rosie O'Donnell decided to wear make-up." She's quite astute. Later she spoke with Bret about Mr. Natasha: "I think, honestly what I really think is that she's a dude." She said at first it was a joke, but Natasha is weird, has a deeper voice than Bret, and wears tutus all the time because it hides her bulge. "I mean, have you ever seen her wear jeans? Hello! She's totally a man, and her real birth name was Nathaniel." Bless you black heart, sweety.

Old man Nasty decided to bring the new girls with him on tour: Jamie, Jennifer, and Kami; or, Sleepy, Snoozy, and Lunesta.

To wrap it up, Ashley spent the night with Bret, and Farrah said, "I'm not jealous of Ashley. I just wish I could have been there to participate or at least held the video camera for future fun times alone." *shudder*

Mantasha got the boot, and supposedly not because of her Adam's apple and prominent bulge. You can probably catch her every other Tuesday at Trannyshack. She's not classy enough to do something like the Baton Show Lounge. I just know her schtick is cutting herself on stage and pulling five yards of barbed wire analbeads from her ass to an Amy Grant song. No joke, they do shit like that at Trannyshack. Check it out if you're in the Bay Area! More on trannies later. . . RuPaul's Drag Race is fantastic, and I'll let you know all about it.



WHOA. Breaking news. Kind of. To me at least. I just spooked (nice usage, eh?) a comment on VH1's page about Natasha:

"mick Says:February 6th, 2009 at 2:05 am
she is in porn bangbros, check her out inTugjobs update: “An Ohio Hand Job” "

I must find out if this is true!

We All Float Down Here

I seriously feel like I'm about to cry. I've always been frightened of clowns, and it didn't help to read Stephen King's It when I was 11. I love zombie movies, and I was excited to watch George A. Romero's latest contribution to horror film: Diary Of The Dead. The main characters found a tape at some dead people's house which contained footage of a little girl's birthday party. Yay! Happy fun unicorn sunshine rainbow time! Then a fucking clown comes "shambling" from the house. The dad tries to honk his big red nose, but it bloodily breaks off. Then zombie clown attacks. Great. Now I have to watch out for zombie clowns. Not only do I have to be on the lookout for the Boogeyman, Blacula, and Tyra Banks, but now I must add zombie clowns to the list. Thanks, asshole.