Baby Jesus Smiles Upon Us

A few days ago I tweeted my love for Traci Lords and wondered if she had a Twitter account. A friend of mine who works for Twitter kindly replied today that she does indeed have an account. Let's get our shit together, folks, and everyone follow her. Traci Lords is a national fucking treasure and should be treated as such. If you don't have a Twitter account, start one just so you can follow her. You don't have to use it ever except to glance at her radiant visage every so often.

I first discovered her when I saw a movie in 1996 called Nowhere. It's trashy, funny and fantastic, and is one of my favorite movies to this day. She has a cameo as part of a trio of valley girls consisting of herself, Rose McGowan and (The Monster) Shannen Doherty. They get zapped to nothing by an alien lizard creature, by the way. The point is that she was striking, and I HAD to know who she was. Her story is a crazy one. By the time she was 18, she had allegedly starred in over 100 adult films. Only one of those was filmed when she was 18, making it the sole legal remnants of her young porn career (in the U.S. at least). She had been writing her own scripts and developed a production company, proving she wasn't just another pornographic actress.

She made the move to mainstream television and films, and has had a plethora of roles. She also tried to crack into the music business. I found that I still have three of her songs in my collection. It's dance or house or trance music, I don't fucking know the difference, and it's. . . well, not so great. But she gets an A for effort!

There's also some juicy controversy about how she may have allegedly tipped off the authorities herself in order to gain immunity to prosecution. I bought her autobiography when it came out a few years ago, and I heartily recommend it, even though it may be a big bag of bullshit. It doesn't matter, I will always have a special place in my cold, black heart for this ho, as should you.

In Dreams

I had a dream that my friend Brady and I were vampires, and we were searching for a companion to turn and spend our lives with. We could go in the sun and everything, but thankfully we were not sparkly. It was fun, I was jumping off buildings and such.

Then the dream shifted to my family throwing me a surprise wedding to Robert Pattinson, whom I had been dating. Only, on the invitations they referrred to him as "Mr. Edward 'Ice' Cullen," and I was pissed that they put the wrong name. Note that I never once saw him in the dreams.

Sloppy Bitches

At the movie theater last night, 7/8 of all girls were wearing Uggs and either leggings or skin-tight jeans. The other 1/8 were wearing sweatpants and Uggs. Get it together, bitches. The particular group in front of me was lead by a girl who might have been Snooki.

To My Friend On Her Birthday

Happy birthday, Lila! I love you this much:


His choppy hair brushes your eyelashes as you tenderly kiss him. You move it out of the way so you can peer admiringly into his eyes lined with makeup. He gets a little annoyed because he spent over twenty minutes flat ironing it to its asymmetrical perfection this morning. You get the point and move down his torso, pulling up his black and white striped shirt. You gently kiss his navel, but he shies away because the safety pin piercing he gave himself last week is still quite sensitive. With great difficulty, you undo his studded leather belt with your teeth then begin the arduous task of removing his skin-tight black jeans. After some time and not a little sweat, you peel off the leggings that were beneath the pants. You eye the throbbing bulge of his crotch hungrily and tear off his pink and white women’s-style briefs. His erect cock bursts free and wags at you as you notice his completely shaved pubes and balls. Look at this fucking hipster.

So Wrong

You throw your head back in ecstasy and moan like a wild man. You haven’t gotten a blowjob like this in ages. You lick your lips and grind faster as you work your way toward release. Shoving your pulsing member as far as it will go down the willing throat, you scream as you fill the mouth with your white hot love. You slump back on the bed, sated, while your partner puts the dentures back in her wrinkled mouth. You have never loved your grandmother as much as you do right now.

Goodnight, Moon

This is my effort in response to Brady's short story:

You catch my eye across the restaurant. I nod toward the restroom and you follow me into a stall, locking the door behind us. You waste no time removing my pants and swallowing my cock all the way down. You gag, but I grab you by your hair and won’t let you up for air. You keep gagging, and then you spew vomit all over my junk and my shoes. Is that celery?

Bedtime Story

We were discussing erotic stories and what we don't like about them. I said that I hated when the author created characters and inserted them into existing fictional environments where you are obviously supposed to pretend you are him. This brought my friend to write a short story in the second person (something we find particularly irksome). Here it is in all its concise glory:


You walk into the room and sit down. I approach you and put my hand on your leg. I tell you to close your eyes. You smile trusting me completely. I slowly rub the cool cylinder against your skin. I tell you to open wide. I place the thick barrel in your mouth and pull the trigger. Story over.


Isn't that fantastic?

It Started With A Dare, Part Trois

It finally occurred to me what a great and funny scenario Twilight would be!

Now this isn't quite what I wanted to post, but I had some trouble trying to get the first one up, so it wouldn't let me repost the original. I had to tweak the wording, so it's not quite what I was going for, but acceptable nonetheless. Oh, and this is what the original picture was going to be:

But guess what? NO ONE replied! Not a single response. What the hell? "I want to suck your. . . cock" is great! Come on, son!

It Started With A Dare, Part Deux

This was my friend's entry today, and I think it's rather impressive.

I can take credit for finding the picture and the line about Master Splinter, thank you very much. He actually got several responses. One was from a "masseur" offering a free first massage because he wants to build his clientele. I think that one might have been fake. Then there was another kid who was interested, but didn't want to dress up or anything, so he was lame. Brady offered to let him be Casey Jones, but I think that's where it ended. Then there was the older man. He was cool with being Master Splinter. Seriously. He was totally down. It got so detailed, that we started to feel bad. He was really into it. Oh well, it was hilarious.

Happy Valentime's

From one hooker to another.