Baby, The Stuff Done Got Heavy

I can't believe I forgot this gem existed.

THEY BUILT A CONDI ROBOT!

Word is Erica Ash is toxic cunt, but this piece of comedy is fantastic.  This is basically my inner personality that comes out from time to time.

No She Didn't

Dumbledore sho did read Voldemort to filth

Textual Intercourse

The brand is half the battle.  But you'll never get Blanche's secrets from me.   Better chance of tricking me out of my bag of Jew gold

Blanche D'Almonds, of the Manhattan D'Almonds, was giving me tips on how to make the perfect matzo balls.  And if anyone knows balls, it's her.  Like most things that happen to me, this ends up being funny.  And a little racist.

me:  got damn I love that shit.  never made it though

blanche:  i really do too. really? so easy but there are a few tricks naturally.

blanche: Jews love tricks.

blanche:  but i don't have to tell you.

me: that was fantastic

blanche:  faggots love stunts

blanche:  so i would stay on your good side.

blanche:  I don't need some tricky stunt.

me:  Tricky Jewfaggot stunts

me:  I'm full of them

blanche:  Lord

blanche:  No

blanche:  I'll be nice

Textual Intercourse

Blanche: good old American gay sex

me: America: apple pie and buttsex

Blanche: yes child

----
me: you could be a rapper with all that cash

me: you could be a farmer in those clothes

Blanche: I am a farmer

me: Ass farmer

me: bc your ass gets plowed!

Golden Shower Girls

New Sienna D'enema video!

Most Hungry Power Bottom Tranny Award

Phew.  What a great weekend.  I got the chance to finally meet my podcast cohost Travis in the flesh.  I trained up to Chicago Saturday morning, and true to form, there were several cute guys on my train.  The problem is that so many of them are metrosexual, and I can’t figure out what they are.  Which shouldn’t matter, but for some reason it is important to my fantasies of fucking them in the bathroom. 

exhibit A

I’m not going to go into great detail here because we cover pretty much everything in a special in-person recording of One and a Half F*gs that we did earlier today.  Suffice it to say, it was the most TRANTASTIC 24-hour period of my life.  Sasha Colby still reigns as best female impersonator and performer.  Period.  Here’s something we failed to mention on the recording:  The group in front of us was all bridal group, and the bride came over to greet them.  She air kissed every last one of those sluts on each cheek.  After three times, I asked Travis if this bitch was going to do that to everyone.  She sure did.  It took a good five minutes.  Then as we were walking in, a girl in front of my pointed to Sasha’s picture and said “I would be her.  I would be it.”  After you listen to the show you will know that I get righteously pissed off when people pull that kind of stunt.    I immediately put on a judgy face with a disgusted sneer and a MAD stink eye.  Bitch must have felt the daggers of pure white hate penetrating her thick skull, because she turned around and got a full dose to her FACE.  I SHAMED that bitch.  Then I said to Travis loudly, “fuck that bitch, I can see her extensions anyway.”  What?  I could.  She had messy Britney Spears style crap extensions.

So here are some highlights:

These amazing paintings are available at the comics store in Boystown.   

I really wanted to just snatch all of them up, but I got the three that I deemed best:

"YOU TAKE MY BREATH AWAY"

"DO RIGHT AND KILL EVERYTHING" is my new mantra

"THAT'S RIGHT. I'M DOING ME."

At the bars, I wasn’t getting enough attention to soothe my fragile ego, so I texted Brady.  His advice was “slut up your outfit. Show a little sniz.”  Ha, that wasn’t really an option.  So although I wasn’t getting eyefucked to satisfaction, I signed into Snizdr.  It started off slowly, but I ended up getting plenty of flattering there.  Then this morning we conducted a little experiment.  I posted a Craigsniz ad with a shirtless picture of myself, including my FACE.  Don't go looking for it, I already snatched it down.  But I got plenty of responses, and hot DAMN, some of them make me want to move.  There was one guy in particular.  It's funny though, I realized that he also wrote to me on Snizdr, where he claimed he was 23.  On Craigsniz, he claimed 27.   Which probably means he's around 33.  Faggot math is a little tricky.  Anyway.... he was short, pale, and Jewy.  That is my holy trinity of sniz.

More randoms:

Evidence of Travis' fancy eating habits

BAM. Too bad it was the same time as the show we went to.

This chawld had the nerve to tag in daylight along a bus route.

Platform wedges, regardless of material, are never acceptable.

Patrons of the 3:00 a.m. redline train.

I would have proposed had he been in my car on the train back to town.

Textual Intercourse

me: some wig store in Chicago was broken into and 70 to 90 k of extensions were stolen

me:  You do that?

blanche: You are the second fag to axe me that :)

me: HA

blanche:  I have an alibi

me:  You were douching right?

blanche:  I wasn't stealing I was mopping.

blanche:  I was trimming the hair on my balls.

Wanna Hear Some Poetry?

Then Mia prompted me to come up with a poem for her.  I was like, WTF, nothing rhymes with your real name.  I decided to switch it up and write a haiku.  Here it be:

Tacos, abortions,

Puppies , and  jizz.  These are what

Come from Mia’s sniz.

Wanna Hear Some Poetry?

I guess this will be my standing post title for poetry from now on.  Whatevs, I'm lazy.  This one won't make much sense, but I'd like to share it.  Mia squirted it out in about 2.5 seconds, and I was so honored.  My only note was that "guy" should be changed to "fag."  Feece was an old boss of mine who would drop the narstiest deuces at work.  It would somehow stink up the bathroom for hours.  Ugh.  I shudder at the mere thought of it.

The once was a guy named Dan,
Who had shitz at work that ran,
He loved shitting in peace,
Except not after Feece,
Because she really stank up the can