Happy Birthday, Brady!

The tinkle of broken glass and drunken laughter fills the air as you reach for the closest empty bottle of Bud Light (buy American!). DD’s hand closes around yours, sending a jolt of desire through your body. He flings the bottle off the balcony at someone he could only assume was a filthy Mexican living in this great country illegally, but really it is just a shitty faggot neighbor who likes to self-tan. DD kisses you roughly and pulls you into his bedroom. He wastes no time in unzipping his Levi jeans and pulling his thick cock out of his American flag boxers. He shoves it down your throat, making you swallow every inch of his country sausage. He pumps away mercilessly, then pulls out and beats you while calling you “Rodney King.” You go back to work on his sweet member as he pulls on his pointy white hood. DD increases his pace as he slams himself into your wide open mouth. He tilts his head up to look at the poster of George W. Bush he has fixed on his ceiling for just these occasions. He winks at it, rams his cock past your lips two more times and pulls out, telling you to get ready for the fireworks. He spurts all over your face, somehow ejaculating red, white and blue; he yells “party in the U.S.A.!”

Do The Right thing

"YOU JUST KILLED A HOBO!"

That's what I heard a little kid say to one of his family members at dinner tonight. Apparently he felt strongly that not finishing all the food on one's plate would be responsible According to him, a "hobo" is a person who doesn't have a car. Well, fuck you. You're a hobo too, you little pedestrian bastard.

KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT

Oh This One Too

I neglected to post this one. The more I watch, the more ingenius I realize all these dubs are. Some fantastic quotes:

"Yeah, we'll fuck him, rob him, then we'll go to Sizzler."
"Holy shitchrist on a cross."
"Out where they fuck, out where they suck, out where there's an endless supply of cocks that want to pee all over me, god I'm a whore."
"But if you lick my clit. . .don't forget. . . to also lick my asshole."
"This is the motherfucking dress I'm going to get motherfucking gangbanged in tonight."
"Fuuuuck. I can eat my own puuuussy."
"I'm on a motherfucking camel in the motherfucking desert."
"One day when you least suspect it, you WILL shit on me."
"You know the rules, only live things go in my pussy and only dead things come out."
"Faggots hate babies, and babies hate faggots. Everyone knows that."
"I prefer 'self-induced miscarriages.'"
"Let's go pro-choice a baby out of a bitch."

Your Life Story

A Stroke Of Genius, Part II

A Stroke Of Genius, Part I

Baby Jesus Smiles Upon Us

A few days ago I tweeted my love for Traci Lords and wondered if she had a Twitter account. A friend of mine who works for Twitter kindly replied today that she does indeed have an account. Let's get our shit together, folks, and everyone follow her. Traci Lords is a national fucking treasure and should be treated as such. If you don't have a Twitter account, start one just so you can follow her. You don't have to use it ever except to glance at her radiant visage every so often.

I first discovered her when I saw a movie in 1996 called Nowhere. It's trashy, funny and fantastic, and is one of my favorite movies to this day. She has a cameo as part of a trio of valley girls consisting of herself, Rose McGowan and (The Monster) Shannen Doherty. They get zapped to nothing by an alien lizard creature, by the way. The point is that she was striking, and I HAD to know who she was. Her story is a crazy one. By the time she was 18, she had allegedly starred in over 100 adult films. Only one of those was filmed when she was 18, making it the sole legal remnants of her young porn career (in the U.S. at least). She had been writing her own scripts and developed a production company, proving she wasn't just another pornographic actress.

She made the move to mainstream television and films, and has had a plethora of roles. She also tried to crack into the music business. I found that I still have three of her songs in my collection. It's dance or house or trance music, I don't fucking know the difference, and it's. . . well, not so great. But she gets an A for effort!

There's also some juicy controversy about how she may have allegedly tipped off the authorities herself in order to gain immunity to prosecution. I bought her autobiography when it came out a few years ago, and I heartily recommend it, even though it may be a big bag of bullshit. It doesn't matter, I will always have a special place in my cold, black heart for this ho, as should you.

In Dreams

I had a dream that my friend Brady and I were vampires, and we were searching for a companion to turn and spend our lives with. We could go in the sun and everything, but thankfully we were not sparkly. It was fun, I was jumping off buildings and such.

Then the dream shifted to my family throwing me a surprise wedding to Robert Pattinson, whom I had been dating. Only, on the invitations they referrred to him as "Mr. Edward 'Ice' Cullen," and I was pissed that they put the wrong name. Note that I never once saw him in the dreams.

Sloppy Bitches

At the movie theater last night, 7/8 of all girls were wearing Uggs and either leggings or skin-tight jeans. The other 1/8 were wearing sweatpants and Uggs. Get it together, bitches. The particular group in front of me was lead by a girl who might have been Snooki.