Textual Intercourse

me: some wig store in Chicago was broken into and 70 to 90 k of extensions were stolen

me:  You do that?

blanche: You are the second fag to axe me that :)

me: HA

blanche:  I have an alibi

me:  You were douching right?

blanche:  I wasn't stealing I was mopping.

blanche:  I was trimming the hair on my balls.

Wanna Hear Some Poetry?

Then Mia prompted me to come up with a poem for her.  I was like, WTF, nothing rhymes with your real name.  I decided to switch it up and write a haiku.  Here it be:

Tacos, abortions,

Puppies , and  jizz.  These are what

Come from Mia’s sniz.

Wanna Hear Some Poetry?

I guess this will be my standing post title for poetry from now on.  Whatevs, I'm lazy.  This one won't make much sense, but I'd like to share it.  Mia squirted it out in about 2.5 seconds, and I was so honored.  My only note was that "guy" should be changed to "fag."  Feece was an old boss of mine who would drop the narstiest deuces at work.  It would somehow stink up the bathroom for hours.  Ugh.  I shudder at the mere thought of it.

The once was a guy named Dan,
Who had shitz at work that ran,
He loved shitting in peace,
Except not after Feece,
Because she really stank up the can

Wanna Hear Some Poetry?

There once was a man from Bandoo. Who fell asleep in a canoe. He dreamed of Venus and played with his penis and woke up with a hand full of goo!

I'm staying home today :(  I've been up since 4:00 a.m. with stomach ish.  Perhaps I shouldn't have let my rare steak sit out so long on Sunday before reheating it and consuming it last night?  Ugh.  TMI.  Sorry, bitches.  Anyway, I'll try to blog some today.  I've been terrible and lazy.  Let's kick it off with a poetry slam.  Travis, of One and a Half F*gs fame, provided me with the first line.  Maestro! How 'bout something with a little octane?


There was an old tampon that lived in a sniz,
It bathed in blood and urine and jizz,
Til one day that twat
Was toxically shocked,
And it needs a new gash to live.

I Grudginly Enjoy a J-Lo Song

Produced by RedOne and Lady Gaga though.  That makes much more sense now that I know that.  I heard this song on a podcast last week, and I thought "hm.  This robot sounds an awful lot like Jennifer Lopez."  Turns out it was a robot singing over J-Lo.  I haven't really listened to her music since I caved and bought her album J-Lo when I was in China in 2001.  I obsessed over the Spanish songs, but "Walking on Sunshine" was my jaaaaaam, ya'll.  I have heard snippets of her recent couple songs, but I was less than impressed.  This however, is a catchy song that rapes you all the way to the dancefloor.  Give it a listen, and keep in mind that it is J-Lo.  It's good for her.  Manage your expectations.  If you can make it through the whole song without killing yourself, everyone's a winner!

If You Love Food

"Is the foie gras fresh?  Is it delicious?" -Phaedra Parks, Real Housewives of Atlanta

And I know you do.  Half of what Mia and I text each other about is food.  My bestie Sunshine has started his own food blog!  He's kicking it off by reviewing restaurants in the SoMa disctrict of San Francisco.  So the next time I visit him I can just load his site and see what to suggest.  I'm really digging his writing style.  It's got a hint of Gwyneth Paltrow, but without the pretension; so it comes off as genuine, relatable, and expert.  I can't wait for more!

Get Ready for Some Fasting and Praying

Pesach is coming, bitches.  That's Passover to you gentiles.  It's when we celebrate ancient Israelites gaining freedom from the Pharoah and the slaughter of a shit ton of Egyptian babies.  Maybe they had it coming though.  Anywho, here is a quickie version to get yoself learnt:

Textual Intercourse

Amen, indeed, sister

I filled Blanche in on my latest conquest, an Asian gym rat with SEVERE bro-itis. There was an eye-rolling moment that perhaps can wait until you hear it on the podcast (second episode recorded! but it won't contain this breaking news).  So we shared our secret love of gym shorts on a guy and pinky swore never to tell anyone.  Oops. 

Blanche: I am a SUCKER for the gym shorts yo

Me:  Yeah I hate myself for it

Blanche:  If you can't hate yourself a little, how the hell are you gonna blow a frat boy?

Blanche:  Can I get a amen in here?

Me:  AMEN

Blanche:  I used to love campus as a kid. They seemed so grown up.  Now they are chirruns

Me:  I know.  I keep getting older but their hot asses stay the same age

Blanche:  Alright alright alright.

The Life of a Disney Princess

THE PODCAST IS HERE!!!

One and Half F*gs is currently available for download on iTunes.  Subscribe, motherfuckers.  This is the chld that Travis and I had that we just didn't have the heart to abort.  Give it a listen; write a review!  Tell us we're awesome, tell us we're unfunny assholes, just check it out!  I hate the sound of my own voice, but listening to this shit was so funny, that I forgot about that.  GET INTO IT HERE IF YOU WANT.