Even though today was destined to be shitty day (and it did not disappoint in that respect), it started off great. I had a dream that I was a vampire and was sort of dating Vampire Bill from True Blood. I'm not particularly attracted to him, but in the dream he was HOT. There were no fangs, and there was no blood. Just lots of dry humping. We were in bed in our underwear, and I remember that he frightened the Black Baby Jesus our of me. Anyway, he was grinding himself on me and begging me to bone him. Mmm. Of course I woke up just before anything happened :(
HOLA CHONGA.....U BE SAY YO' NAME IS LIZZY LONG NOSE. I BE SEE YOU HANGIN OUT AT THE JEWEL ON KEDZIE AVE EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT. YOU SAY YOU GO INSIDE AND STEAL TAMPONS AND PIZZA PUFFS, AND NOBODY EVER GONNA CATCH YOU. I SEE THAT LONG ASS NOSE OF YO'S ALL THE TIME, AND IT LOOKS LIKE A WITCH NOSE GIRL. WHY DONT YOU COME ON OVA HERE AND WIGGLE THAT LONG ASS LATINA NOSE IN MY FACE, AND I AM GONNA KICK YOU IN THE MOUTH!
Location: SOUTH SIDE Posting ID 1828644308
That just cracks me the fuck up. It brings to mind a chola version of Elphaba from Wicked. Cholphaba. Yes, I spent a few minutes on the iPad Brushes application whipping her up. Maybe some day I can witness the beauty that is Lizzy Long Nose.
Whom would you blow? A friend of mine brought up the idea of creating a "cock-sucker time machine to go back and blow hot celebrities before they were train wrecks." According to him, Episode I is Elivs "mmm."
First of all, I had to rename it. His title really lacked pizazz, so I came up with Cock Ring Time Machine. Perfect, right? I however would go back in time to blow Paul Newman. Sexy, Jewish, philanthropic, blah blah blah.
If you could go back in time and service a celebrity, who would it be? I guess I'll include females on the off-chance that someone reading this is into that. I'm sure Rue McClanahan was hot in her day. Or Gael Greene? Well, she was always kind of boxy looking, but you know she's down to fuck.
My friend Brady and I like to text each other Gossip Girl-style text blasts of horrible people we see. I sometimes also tweet good ones, so I guess it might be worth following me on Twitter. There should be a link in the sidebar. Or don't, which in that case, fuck you. Anyway, here is one such blast I received today:
(This is the first picture that comes up for a search on "NSFW." WHAT THE FUCK??)
My brother recently started a new job. I like to send him little tidbit texts and questions when they occur to me during the day, but now I worry that someone will see my messages and get him in trouble. So I've been refraining until after work hours. I just don't want to get him fired because I send him something like "faggoty face Jew monkey."
I've been thinking about this topic for a long time. Why do we think it's okay for little girls to look up to these so-called Disney princesses? Let's take a look:
Sleeping Beauty: She never had to do shit growing up with those fat ass fairies. She lived a carefree life picking berries, singing songs, and dancing around. But oh no! That wasn't enough for her. She was too cock-hungry to be kept in that beautiful woodsy cottage. Her ravenous twat led her to that prince, and then what? Bitch got lazy and took a nap INDEFINITELY. She'd only get out of bed for some dick. Is that how you want your daughter to be?
Alice in Wonderland (I know she's not technically a princess, but she warrants an entry): First of all, this bitch was crazy and a liar. Oh, she was also a raging drug addict trying to fill the void inside, as evidenced by her willingness to down any substance put in front of her with glee. You just know that she after she woke up, she was going to spout that nonsense to everyone around her and get her ass locked up. She'd get better, and maybe have a semblance of a normal life, but one day she'll snap again. She'll start eating random mushrooms she finds, and if those don't kill her, she'll mistake a semi truck for a caterpillar and get run the fuck over.
Princess Jasmine: She was restless and tired of her pampered life in the palace. Yes, her father was overprotective, but he should be. Enemies would gladly snatch her up and hold her for ransom. her solution is to canoodle in the dirty streets of her city and fall in love with a homeless boy. That is hepatitis waiting to happen. Oh yes, she has a pet tiger too. We all know how well that turned out for Roy Horn.
Ariel: Someone sent me this video yesterday, and it really hits on all the points I had to say:
Cinderella: Talk about a broke down ho. This poor bitch saw fit to just accept her shitty life with her cunty step-mother and -sisters, and not do shit to fix it. RUN AWAY. Anything would be better than her servant life. She'd be better off as a whore. She talks to animals all day, and just waits for things to change themselves. Her only course of action is to disguise her disgusting ass as someone she's not and trick the prince into liking her. Classic.
Snow White: She's another one who didn't do shit. She, what? Cooked? Cleaned? Fine, she was a homemaker for seven little men who were probably all boning her silly. She wasn't satisfied with one little person, she had to collect seven little cocks. Then she too gets all lazy and takes a nap in a glass coffin, waiting for some real dick to wake her up. What a cunt.
Pocahontas: She disobeys her father and runs off with the white devil. This never leads to anything good. Everyone knows it was a mistake to help those assholes over her own people, but here we are. I won't even get into the real story of how she was really just a rape victim, yadayadayada.
Belle: At least she was smart. She was a fine, bookish young thing, but once again, she wanted much more than her provincial life. It was rather selfless of her to exchange herself to save her father though. That's where the trouble began. She fell in love with an animal, and became the biggest furry of them all. Her bestiality will never be forgotten. You KNOW she was disappointed when he turned back into a human. "Sooooo. . . no giant beast cock?"
Tiana: At least this slunt had a job. TWO jobs. She was working hard to one day open her own restaurant. In the end however, she's a gold digger and relies on a man (a prince of course) to make her dreams come true. What happens when she's a little older and run-down from working in her restaurant? She'll be aged beyond her years, and she won't have time to care for herself. Her wrinkly face and saggy tits will drive her man into the twat of a younger woman--probably a waitress/aspiring restaurateur at her own place. You know she didn't get a pre-nup because she married for love, and everything is in the prince's name. She'll be left out on her ass; and due to the years of stress, she became a mean old bitch, so no one will hire her. She's fucked.
There was however one decent princess. I was going to say two, but the more I thought about Tiana, the more I realized she sucks, so I moved her into the shitty section:
Mulan: She was a butch dyke at worst and a tranny at best. Duh, of course she sould be a role model.
The point is, don't let little girls in your life look up to these pieces of garbage. Slap the notion out of her, and tell her to get her ass on the stripper pole like any other child of a terrible parent.
