Monday, December 29, 2008

This One Time. . .

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I was on my way home from a lovely night picnic with friends on the beach. We split up, and I started walking the few blocks back to my place when
*GURGLEGURGLE*
I all of the sudden feel the uncontrollable need to SHIT. I had mad bubbleguts like WHOA.

[side note]My brother had them before he knew what to call them, and he was buying Rolaids or something at the store, and this old black dude said to him "you got the bubbleguts, huh?" so now and forever it's bubbleguts.[/side note]

I was only two blocks from my house, but I KNEW there was absolutely no way I would make it. Nor was there an open business with a restroom close enough for me to use (it was midnight). I could a)shit my pants or b)pop a squat.
I had to choose b. The problem was this shit was coming no matter what, so I couldn't exactly find a secluded area. I went from the sidewalk to a recessed area in front of an apartment building. It's street number was 1023, my lucky numbers, so I took it as a sign that it was okay for me to spray liquid feces all over its entrance walkway. And that I did. I tried to keep it contained to one area, but it was rather difficult to do while hovering. I wiped with my underwear, threw them away, went home, threw away the pants just in case, and took a long hot shower.

It did occur to me that some poor soul was going to have to clean up my nastiness that I left. I didn't tell anyone for a long time, thinking it would be embarrassing. But then I realized that if a friend told me that story, I would laugh my ass off. Please to enjoy.