Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Yeah I Said It

First Jamie Foxx said this about Miley Cyrus:



I know it's because I'm an asshole, but I thought it was pretty funny. Anyway, I want to stand up for my bff Jaime. He really didn't mean to say the things that came out of his mouth. Especially that she should put some crack in her pipe. He really meant to say "she should put some pipe in her crack." Duh. Clearly he wasn't advocating drug use, just statutory rape. Jeez.

RHoNYplasty



Here we go. There was plenty to laugh at this week on the Real Housewives of New York. Let's start with the Zarin fabric event, eh? Jill claims that "retail is in [her] blood." She said that she's a "trained business woman," and she was lucky to meet Bobby because he had his retail business and she could get back into it. Translation: she was nothing on her own, but she recognized an opportunity to get paid a shit ton to appear busy.

Kelly attended the party with foreign boytoy Max. Brad got so drunk he was redder than Kelly's face, and he continued to shame my people. He told Alex "Kelly showed up with the most gorgeous guy in the world." Simon's head whipped around faster than Sienna Miller to married cock because of course the phrase "gorgeous guy" triggered his cocktail party effect. Brad hit on Max all night, and Kelly said "Max has so much confidence that he was just having a great time with it." Yeah, that, or his English isn't good enough to understand everything that tacky old faggot is gushing at him. Wipe yourself, Brad, you're leaving a snail trail.

Ramoner is still pushing this skincare line of products that she's apparently had for over a year that no one knew or cared about. "I've been using skin products religiously for twelve years!" If that's what she looks like with over a decade of meticulous care, then I'm really curious as to what she would look like au natural.



She actually said this: "I met a fabulous chemist, and together we developed this formula." Stop. No. Please don't even try to take credit for something you can't possibly do. What, did she say it should smell like vanilla bean asshole? That doesn't count. Somehow I don't see her in a white labcoat mixing chemicals and putting the product in little baby rabbits' eyes herself. Then again, you can get so many online degrees these days. I'm a certified lawyer and oncologist. Back to the point, she paid some desperate out of work chemist to make something she can put her filthy name on.

I just noticed the individual two-second intros Bravo shows when switching to a different woman. Alex, Jill, the Cuntess, and Ramoner are all with their kids and/or spouses, but then there's Bethenny. Poor sadeyes Bethenny is alone hugging her dog in her intro as if to say "he's all the man I need!" That shit has "undesirable" stamped all over it. She's trying to get the word out for her no-wheat no-dairy blah blah cupcakes and muffins. If none of that stuff is in them, what the fuck are they made of? She gets snarky about Silex going to the opening of an envelope, then she herself ends up at a deserted supermarket where NO ONE wants her crap. She claimed that she usually has hundreds of people waiting for a chance to meet her. LIES, woman. Just like your food. "Healthy" my ass, this bitch is selling lies.

The Douchess is still around. Yay. She gives some lame justification that she's writing (rather, having someone else write) her book not because it's an opportunity for notoriety and money, but because her countless (HA! Now she's COUNT-less) adoring fans are clamoring for it. By the way, she has a section on seduction. Ew. Please, please, I beg of you, do NOT buy her book. Luann feels "passionate" about the guy always paying for dates. Here's the thing: if he really liked her, he would have WANTED to pay. Bottom line: the guy who asked her to split the check thought she was a cunt.

Redface Bensimon is working on a "jewry" line. Just like lockjaw DeShawn, formerly of RHoAtlanta! She met with a designer, and had this to say : "He was making amazing collections for all these different people that have different personalities. He has me, Nicole Richie, Heidi Klum, Brittny and Lisa Gastineau. . ." Wow, that's a veritable who's-who of irrelevancy. "A lot of people wear my jewry: Christina Milian, um, Amanda Bynes, Whitney Houston, Reverend Run's wife. . ." See previous joke.

Bravo aired a short clip of Kelly during a commercial break, giving us a deep insight into her world. Apparently she runs in the street in front of taxis because that's something normal people do. I was praying for an accident. She runs like Phoebe from Friends. Are Friends references still appropriate? Do people get them?

Jill goes to buy a custom handbag for $16,000, saying, "considering the economy right now, I didn't think it was appropriate to spend a fortune of money on my birthday present." Right. She also got some Mercedes SUV that she bitched about until her husband agreed to get a different one that would work with iPhones and iPods.

Luann tells us, "I've almost finished writing my book. . ." Shes' not writing shit, but she's sticking to her story. She meets with her publishers, and they have a celebratory drink. One guy says, "nothing like champagne in the afternoon." Liquor whenever you want? No need to tell that to an American Indian. Zing!

Silex only appeared in the last ten minutes or so, and I can't decide if this is good or bad. Simon takes Alex to a jewry designer as a surprise for her birthday, and he says the guy "like me, is an ex-pat of Australia." As a general rule, I don't like anyone who refers to himself as an expatriate. That shit is only appropriate for Hemmingway and that dykey Gertrude Stein, and it died a long time ago.

Simon described Alex's face saying, "you know, Alex has quite a long, thin face." Oh, you mean like a horse. Then he got all pissy because the surprise of going home to celebrate with Bryce Dallas Howard and ChildToucher was ruined. He threw a fit like a 10-year-old girl who knows a few curse words. The kids greet them, blah blah blah, they gather around a kiddie table in a cramped dungeon and Simon tells the children to raise their glasses and say "chin chin" I understand that people do that in the UK, but here he just seems like a pretentious dickbag.

Next time on RHoNY: Kelly throws a Halloween party and doesn't bother to show up. Luann dresses as a slutty Land-o-Lakes squaw, and Alex is a school marm?