Twatlight

(Funny, a few days ago I looked through pictures from the set of New Moon and noticed all the actors smoking. I thought I'd make a collage to put up here, but it looks like someone did it for me!)

I'm sorry to say I watched Twilight yesterday. My assessment after watching was, "um. . . I thought the score was acceptable at some points." It was kind of boring, and it offered no reason to care about the characters. In fact, I wanted them all to die of gonorrhea and rot in hell. And just like the book, Bella and Edward fall in love in roughly 2.5 minutes and care for each other for no apparent reason. Just think, this fall you can treat yourself to a couple more hours of that bullshit, but WITH DAKOTA FANNING!

[WHOA. Side note. I thought it would be funny to insert a video here of the Dakota Fanning Show skit from SNL. I searched for it on YouTube and found many slide shows of Dakota Fanning set to Shitney Spears' "If U Seek Amy." What the fuck?!? This shit is wrong. I'm sticking with Hulu from now on.]









Kristen Stewart is really good at "playing" an aloof, ungrateful, melodramatic, and self-centered bitch.



I have to admit I found Robert Pattinson quite attractive. His American accent made him sound like every black comedian's impression of a white person, but it strangely made him endearing. It was nice to see him not looking hobo chic for once. I suppose I wouldn't mind being in a vampire/werewolf orgy (oops, Jacob's a werewolf in case you couldn't tell from the heavy-handed foreshadowing for dummies). Minus the black one. What? I just didn't find him as cute as the other lighter skinned, not-of-African-heritage actors.





In conclusion, it sucked balls in a bad way, with the hot guys serving as the only redeeming factor. Oh and I just started reading the second book. . .

Aw Shit All Over Ya Face, Kid

I don't know what triggered this, but I spent a good five minutes today thinking about a nasty story from a while ago. Back in the day my old swim team trained in the morning at an outdoor pool during the summer. The pool was closed one morning when we arrived, but none of the staff would tell us why. I later got the scoop from a friend who was lifeguarding at the time. You see, the majority of people who show up at 5:30 a.m. to do laps are OLD. It seems one such old lady was enjoying a refreshing swim in the brisk water when, oh no!, her colostomy bag broke! She must have been eating overtime at a salmonella buffet the night before, because apparently, there was a shit trail of her frantic movements. The bag of mostly liquid shit busted while she was swimming, so the woman raced to the ladder at the side of the pool. Her shit trail then led to the ladies' locker room where she made it to a toilet. Oh but the fun doesn't stop there. She managed to fuck this toilet's world up and move to another stall. She somehow got everything under control and hightailed it the fuck out of there, leaving enough DNA to make an army of old, dirty, shameful broads. Thankfully the staff didn't let us swim that morning, but it wouldn't have surprised me if they had.



Ah, shitting in pools brings back such memories! When I was very young, my parents put me and my brother in day care for a while. It was through the local YMCA, and I don't remember much of it. But I do remember one fateful day. They made us play every now and then, and this particular day I really had to shit. I don't know why I didn't just say so! I just clung to the ladder with one hand and pulled my speedo (yes, speedo) aside with my other while I kept an out for anyone looking at me suspiciously. I let a few turds go, and I felt much better. I just swam away and acted like nothing happened. I don't remember actually seeing them in the pool, but I remember the fallout. No one would admit to doing it, and in my head I was kind of able to trick myself into believing I was innocent! You know how children and OJ Simpson can do that? Our punishment was way harsh, Ty. We weren't allowed to watch The Chipmunks cartoon that day! I lived for that shit. Well, the Chipettes, really, because they song hot 80s songs. And I liked the nerdy bitch with the glasses.

Going to hundreds of swim meets as a kid can get really boring at times. When we wanted to liven things up and perhaps buy some time between events, we'd make sure facility staff noticed turds in the pool. Not real turds, but usually food in bar form. Powerbars looked alright from far away, but you needed a Baby Ruth or a Mounds to really sell it.

The Latke Doesn't Fall Far From The Tree

I didn't see this until just now, but I love it.