Friday, January 23, 2009

Sorry Sack of Tangerine Bitch



I might have to come back to this one. I have a lot to say about this bitch's "hair." I've been an avid hater of her hair hat since it premiered way back when. You can actually see that her the pieces in the front are probably hers, then there's that busted Barbie piece on top of it. *sigh*

It's better in the picture below, but her face is looking dead wrong. She kind of has a minor case of Kimora Lee Simmons caterpillar neck.




Textual Intercourse: Afternoon Delight Edition





I have a new coworker. I was discussing this with Lila. . .


Me: do you have any coworkers you can't stand? oh yeah, maybe not something you want to write about while at work. oops
Lila: haha yes, i have coworkers I can't stand
not too many though, but especially my boss' husband, who comes in early and watches porn on his computer
we saw him doing it once
creep
Me: hahahahaha
that is fantastic. i did that at my old job! i'd have to be there until 8 or 9 pm sometimes to get subjects ready for sleep studies....so i'd watch youtube and porn to kill time
but i was there alone
me: i don't really like the new girl who started a couple weeks ago
Lila: tell me more...
me: she's 6 ft tall and fat
but that's not why i dislike her
Lila: HUGE!
haha
you just don't like her cause she could probably sit on you and kill you...
me: and our other coworker insists she smells narsty
i mean that's definitely a factor
i haven't smelled it much, but we think it might be her hair
fuckin white people
so she's all super sweet about everything & trying to make a good impression
and i'm trying to get through to her.
by "get through" i mean break her spirit
i'm being overly mean to get her to snap
me: i want to see her do something other than be nice
Lila: hahahaaaa
me: i want to know she'll stand up for herself
Lila: like, talk some shit
break something
me: and blame her!
Lila: manipulate the other employees...haha, yeah, blame her for something
then be like, "JUST KIDDING! but seriously, go wash your hair."
me: it'll be like I'm Kathleen Turner in Serial Mom and she's Mink Stole.
"She just said 'motherfucker' to me!"
Lila: haaa
me: don't just roll over and take it bitch!
Lila: put her stapler in some jell-o
me: i want to instruct her to do something blatantly wrong and see if she has the sheballs to tell
me what's up or just bitch to the other girl
me: or maybe i'll just hide some fish in her office to rot
Lila: haha
wow, i hope my fellow employees like me!
me: i've been dropping hair hints though
Lila: does everyone like YOU?
i would think so
me: yeah, everyone's nice to my face at least. if there's gossip, it doesn't get back to me
and gossip ALWAYS gets back to people in a small business
it helps that my aunt owns the shit and LOVES firing people
me: today i was like "don't you just love getting your hair cut? the shampoo they use is just fantastic!"
Lila: haha
Then we started talking about getting dogs:
me: my stylist was "Sharinethenia" or something crazy
. . .
Lila: when I get a dog, I should name it something like that
. . .
Lila: haha
what kind of dog?
I'm going to get a wolf
me: i don't know.
i take care of my aunt's dog when she goes out of town and he's awesome.
he's a japanese chin.
then i could add racial slurs too
a wolf? nice
Lila: tots
me: or shin i think
anyway they're crazy and cute. maybe a little brain damaged, but whatevs
i could make jokes about how terrible his teeth are
and fashion a little kimono
me: and threaten to nuke him if he poos in the house
his play pen will look like an internment camp, rubber barbed wire & errythang

Left-Eye




Sometimes I wish a horrible accident would befall me, resulting in the loss of an eye. Preferably my left one, but hey, beggars can't be choosers. Nothing says badass like an eye patch. Xander Harris, Saul Tigh, Nick Fury--all wear eye patches, and all are badasses. I'd like it to be a cool accident, not like a deadly spooge facial gone horribly wrong. Unless I was blowing the devil and got spicy acid jizz in the eye, that might be neat. I'm thinking a knife fight with a terrorist.