Textual Intercourse: Brotherly Love

brother:  Dude John Carter looks cool

me:  I wonder what it's rated

brother:  XXX: John Carter hangs mad dong and fucks 3 tittied green bitches

Textual Intercourse: Musings on Ina Garten

me: On Ina this morning, she was saying how truffle butter is surprisingly inexpensive and bragging about how expensive saffron is lol

Mia:  hahaha she's ridic

Mia:  Love her

me:  It was outrageous and so perfectly her

Mia:  How many times did she mention that saffron is the stamen of crocuses

me:  Just once

Mia:  Lame

me:  She had it in a little clear box like crack rocks

Mia:  Hahaha omg it is Ina crack

Mia:  Crack is prob cheaper than saffron

me:  Lol

me:  She crushes and snorts it.  Freebasing saffron

Mia:  melting it down on the spoon

me:  See how it turns the liquid in the syringe that gorgeous yellow? How bad could that be?

Mia:  find a GOOD vein

me:  Hahahahahahaha

Mia:   :)

me:  If your arm is too riddled with track marks, between your toes is fine

Mia:  Lol we are horrible

Textual Intercourse: You've Outgayed Yourself

Textual Intercourse: Pooping at Work

This video I posted really had a lasting change in my life.

Textual Intercourse: Clubfoot Shentessa

I made this one, don't hate.

me:  Did you know Ina won the daytime emmy for outstanding lifestyle/cooking host in 2009 and 2010?

Mia:  bish has TWO emmys??? gangsta!

Ina refused to meet a Make-A-Wish kid who wanted to cook with her. GANGSTA.

Textual Intercourse: Have Fun Smelling My Poops, Bitches

Textual Intercourse: Fun with Racism

Real Life Jewish Textfail

I told Mia about Top Chef: Just Dessert's child pornographer Morgan and she accidentally made this happen:

Then Mia wrote: SHE HAD JUST SENT ME A VID OF OUR OLD CANTOR SIGNING IN HEBREW

Textual Intercourse

Blanche:  pretty sure this is a note to my 6th grade teacher

Blanche:  You old hag.

Blanche:  And girl it looks like a witch nose

me:  lol

me:  I wrote a horrible note about my 7th grade English

me:  She caught it

me:  Spooked me and talked to me in the hallway

me:  I peed a little

Blanche:  Oh niiice.  You are such a Shady Queen.

me:  Haha thank god she didn't see the color drawing I did of her as a fat stripper with saggy titties getting her period on the pole

Blanche:  Okrrr.

Blanche:  God I love you.

me:  I was a shady little faggot

Textual Intercourse

You need to watch this lovely video to make sense of my post.  Also, I guess it must be known that when I cum, we're DONE.  So you better do your business before me, because all effort ends when I've finished.


a:  I spent the afternoon at [fuckbuddy's] house and he pissed me off so I'm done fooling around with him

me:  What did he do?

a:  He pulled a You.

a:  He came and then quit trying.

me:  Ha.  Sucks for you.

a:  Oh and his firefox wallpaper says christ is lord on top and has a pic of jesus' face

a: And I kept thinking. Let us all speak in tongues. Tacos tacos tacos....

Textual Intercourse: Pregnant Monsters

KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT

Mia: I'm so fucking tired

Me:  Diddle your clit.  Solves all problems

Mia: Already did.  BAM

Me:  LOL.  BAM.  Is that what you say when you finish?

Mia:  I ain't a talker

Me:  Except when you're done.

Me:  BAM

Mia:  I go WAHOOOO.  lol omg if I ever did that I would die

Here's a little addendum from emails:

Mia:  Go sleep in the waiting room surrounded by the girls getting aboboed.

Me:  I'll be like DON'T MIND ME, I'MA JUST CURL UP ON THIS COUCH LIKE THE FETUS YOU BOUT TO HAVE SNATCHED OOT

Me:  HAHA  I'm going to love hearing you bitch about your periods now!  OMG when you get knocked up eventually (by roofying Alex and stealing his seed [hahahaha gross terminology]) I want EVERY nasty detail.  Down to the mucus plug and preggo farts.

Mia:  ima just sneaksies a napsies.lol.


I'm going to tell you every gory detail. from inception to lochia. (look that shit up). Unfortch I'm totes gonna have to roofy Alex in order to get preggo. Yesterday I was all "what if you're infertile" and he's all "I could get u pregnant with one look" and I said "why aren't I pregnant then" and he said "Even the most powerful stare is blocked by birth control" and I said "what's your excuse for last month" and he was like "hrmph"
 
Me:  Are you SURE you want to get pregnant?  It destroys your insides and turns you into a disgusting monster (if you carry it to term).  OMG there!  Tell Alex he doesn't have to wrap it up, you can just get a bunch of abobos!  Problem solved.  You loved getting flooded with semen, and you love abortions!  WIN-WIN.

Textual Intercourse: Winter Wrap Up, WINTER WRAP UP

Brady:  She would have asked me or just straight up asked you anyway

Brady:  Winter Wrap up WINTER WRAP UP

me: lol

Brady: that's my mother fucking thing now

me: winter wrap up WINTER WRAP UP

Brady: WWU WWU

me: suddenly, rape

Brady: pony rape

me: i want to see an episode where a tentacle rape monster attacks equestria

Brady: actually I am slightly attracted to Big Macontosh

HA

of course someone did this shit

Brady:  they should have made his bulge bigger though.  He is a motherfucking horse after all

me: ha

Welcome Back, Kotter

nom nom nom (on cock)

OOPS.  I haven't been here in a hot minute.  Sorry, children.  I've been busy.  Being crazy.  But I'm getting my shit together, and life is a box of chocolates or toilet full of turds, or WHATEVER.  As one of those mannish women on Mob Wives put it: life is a bowl of cherries, and I've got the motherfucking pits to prove it.  ANYSNIZ, I've been neglecting ya'll like Paris Hilton neglects her pets, so I hope none of you died of malnutrition while I was away.  Let's start back softly with a little selection from an SMS conversation between Mia and me.  We were discussing 16 & Pregnant.  Terrible, yes, but everybody knows I watch awful television, so just roll with it.  By the time they start following these bitches, it's too late to ABORT ABORT ABORT, so I always root for ADOPT ADOPT ADOPT.  At least that one couple from the first season had the sense to give their child up.  Seriously, no 16-year-old can properly care for a baby and raise a child.  It's mean to subject it to that.  I''m getting off point.  This one bitch, Allie, who of course should have given her baby up for snatching, had a black girl friend named KB.  I proposed that we guess what those initials stood for.  My guess was Kaneesha Brianna (pretty good guess, right?) and this ensued:

How did that shit ever get made?

Mia: Karquanna Broiledmeat.

me: KARQUANNA BROILEDMEAT

me:  I can't handle that.

me:  too funny

me:  Like she's some kind of McDonald's mascot

Which brings me to this next topic:  Pussyghost.  Pussyghost has become somewhat of a recurring character on the podcast (new one coming soon, I promise) One and a Half F*gs, and she now has her own twitter page!  So follow that bitch and get the latest, most racist lowdown on the afterlife for vaginae.

Textual Intercourse

The brand is half the battle.  But you'll never get Blanche's secrets from me.   Better chance of tricking me out of my bag of Jew gold

Blanche D'Almonds, of the Manhattan D'Almonds, was giving me tips on how to make the perfect matzo balls.  And if anyone knows balls, it's her.  Like most things that happen to me, this ends up being funny.  And a little racist.

me:  got damn I love that shit.  never made it though

blanche:  i really do too. really? so easy but there are a few tricks naturally.

blanche: Jews love tricks.

blanche:  but i don't have to tell you.

me: that was fantastic

blanche:  faggots love stunts

blanche:  so i would stay on your good side.

blanche:  I don't need some tricky stunt.

me:  Tricky Jewfaggot stunts

me:  I'm full of them

blanche:  Lord

blanche:  No

blanche:  I'll be nice

Textual Intercourse

Blanche: good old American gay sex

me: America: apple pie and buttsex

Blanche: yes child

----
me: you could be a rapper with all that cash

me: you could be a farmer in those clothes

Blanche: I am a farmer

me: Ass farmer

me: bc your ass gets plowed!

Textual Intercourse

me: some wig store in Chicago was broken into and 70 to 90 k of extensions were stolen

me:  You do that?

blanche: You are the second fag to axe me that :)

me: HA

blanche:  I have an alibi

me:  You were douching right?

blanche:  I wasn't stealing I was mopping.

blanche:  I was trimming the hair on my balls.

Textual Intercourse

Amen, indeed, sister

I filled Blanche in on my latest conquest, an Asian gym rat with SEVERE bro-itis. There was an eye-rolling moment that perhaps can wait until you hear it on the podcast (second episode recorded! but it won't contain this breaking news).  So we shared our secret love of gym shorts on a guy and pinky swore never to tell anyone.  Oops. 

Blanche: I am a SUCKER for the gym shorts yo

Me:  Yeah I hate myself for it

Blanche:  If you can't hate yourself a little, how the hell are you gonna blow a frat boy?

Blanche:  Can I get a amen in here?

Me:  AMEN

Blanche:  I used to love campus as a kid. They seemed so grown up.  Now they are chirruns

Me:  I know.  I keep getting older but their hot asses stay the same age

Blanche:  Alright alright alright.

Textual Intercourse

I whip my head back and forth

Here's a little excerpt from a conversation between me and my soul sister Jewess Mia:


Mia:  my cat is being annoying

Me: give it some peanut butter and a water spritz in the FACE

Mia:  lol he would bitch slap me back

Me:  slap that pussy

Mia:  he is more annoying than a child. 

Me: too bad shaking a cat only makes it angry

. . .

Me: I like my babies shaken, not stirred

Mia: lol what's that from?

Me:  ME

Textual Intercourse

sniz:  ur probs a serial killer

me:  in that case you'd be a hot trophy

Textual Intercourse

Brady: ug
Brady: Olive is licking pussy adjacent
me: what, her asshole?
Brady: no
Brady: just
Brady: her flank
Brady: I dunno
me: lol
me: dogs tend to do that
me: a lot
Brady: now she's licking her foot
me: better than licking foot then sniz, that would be just plain unsanitary. like wiping back to front
Brady: yes but now every step she takes is leaving a little pussy behind
me: gives a new meaning to pussyfooting around