Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Monday, June 28, 2010

Hassy Birfday


To me. And Mel Brooks (I think he's still alive) and Felicia Day! I love me some FD, and I never knew we shared our birthday. I'll gladly share with her. Right now I'm on vacation, pulling stunts and turning heads with my friends in San Francisco. I probably won't be posting until after I return, but I'll have some great pictures to share from the SF Pride Parade. I need to comb through them carefully because sometimes the best part was crowd reaction.


I will say this for now. There were two people in front of us along the sidelines of the parade who just perplexed me to no end. They looked like 14-year-old boys. But the more I saw them, the more I realized they were either lesbians or FTM trannies. I think they were trannies. They were really pulling off the look though. At first, I thought to myself, "damn, it's kind of cool that these little kids are watching the parade and enjoying themselves." But, then I noticed that one of them had a tattoo on shis arm, and most children do not have tattoos. Then I noticed that perhaps one of the young fellows may have had a slight bosom. It was cool. The best part was that one of them was wearing the backpack in the picture I posted. Perf.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

So Wrong



I was walking to work this morning and on my usual route, I sometimes pass two big lesbians taking their adorable Boston Terrier for a morning walk. I noticed that one lesbian was waiting with the dog while the other was walking away at about perhaps 30 feet. I didn't think anything of it. I stayed the course toward the dog to get a peek at its adorableness rather than veering off on a shortcut. After the requisite "awwww," I headed off in the same direction as the other lesbian. At this point, she was coming my way toward her partner; and I must have surprised her because she had a quick frightened look on her face. A few more steps, and I realized why the big bossy butch dyke looked so mortified. The smell that enveloped me was horrendous. Thankfully there was a brisk wind that carried away the scent quickly. I don't know what's in her lesbian diet, but she needs to ADJUST. Or simply start blaming the dog.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Cheers, Pats




Cool! Just send Eddie and Patsy down there, and they'll drink the shit all up.


Lumley's Inventor Investment Helps Oil Devastated Coastline




Veteran British actress JOANNA LUMLEY is joining efforts to remedy the oil spill disaster in the Gulf of Mexico by providing officials with a special oil-attracting 'mattress' to mop up the mess.

The eco-activist began investing in the Frogmat, an invention by British creator Ken Frogbrook, 20 years ago after realising its potential to clean up oil.

The straw mattressing is rolled out around the polluted coastline to absorb oil, soaking up the slick and helping clean the water.

The Frogmat also helps slippery oil-covered wildlife pull themselves out of the water.

The Absolutely Fabulous star is proud the product she has backed for so many years is now being used by British Petroleum bosses to help clean-up the spill in the Gulf of Mexico, which has been ruled one of the worst environmental disasters in American history.

She tells U.K. TV host Graham Norton, "This is brilliant, we're talking about oil spills in the Gulf of Mexico, in Louisiana and Florida where they are just waiting for that oil to come through.

"This was invented by a man called Ken Frogbrook, I joined him maybe 15-20 years ago to support him. It's straw mattressing which rolls out and out like a magic carpet and drags oil towards it and then you roll it and it's like oil-soaked mattressing which can then be used for fuel.

"Now we are sending two machines out at the request of BP to spread this mattressing along the (coast) and not only does it help clean the water, it gives the wildlife something to step onto. You've probably seen the plastic ones, and the poor little things can't get on with their oily feet, but because this is made of straw, it means they can get out of the oil and the stuff biodegrades at the end of it if you don't pick it up."


A Sexy Soccer Guide





I haven't seen one moment of the world cup, but this guide to hot footballers is all I need. My top pick? Iker Casillas. Ay, papi.






(this one isn't my boo Iker, but I find the pose. . . inviting)

Bam! Bitch Went Down










I'm surprised I haven't seen pictures of Lady Gaga biting it before now. I'm sure she has though. All those "avant-garde" yikes she wears are dangerous as hell. She's going to break a hoof. OH that reminds me. Uh oh, this is kind of terrible. I don't think I've mentioned it before. I was on a date a couple months ago; and at the restaurant, I spied a table of sorostitutes. The cool thing was one of them had a prosthetic leg. I thought it was neat and immediately starting wondering aloud how she came to be in that situation. My final hypothesis was that she suffered a serious pump accident. She was drunk, running in knee-high hooker boots, and her heel got caught in a grate. Because the material was so restrictive and unforgiving, it just snapped off her whole lower leg. That's what I like to think went down.

We're Fucking Done Professionally





I'll kick this off with a quote from my favorite blogger, Gabe Delahaye (here, this is funny), because I have to acknowledge that I've been part of this epidemic: ". . .whatever my role may be in this: I’m sorry. I’m sorry I caused all that Ke$ha." I'm finished with Kesha. Kind of. I'll still enjoy a couple of her songs, but her image she works so hard to maintain is hurting my soul. Oh, yes KESHA. I refuse to contribute to the perpetuation of her terrible, terrible name with the symbol. She looks like she smells bad and is sticky. I happened to watch last night's episode of The City (don't judge me, I'm judging myself enough for it) and she had a brief cameo. If an appearance by a manufactured, contrived pop singer can be considered a cameo. Castmemeber Olivia made some delightfully snide comments on Kesha's style as "punk trash" and "garbage chic." I agree, minus the -chic part. In the three minutes of screen time she had, Kesha made all sorts of gross faces as she is wont to do. Also, her hair? The question mark is because I think it might have just been a possum nest. Do they nest? I have a feeling they might den. I'll have to check into that, but if possums nested, they would make something like Kesha's hair. Seriously, Britney Spears at her ratty, weavy worst is better than Kesha's head situation. Anyway, in that short time she TWICE said, "I love garbage bags," and mentioned that she wanted to wear a gown made of trash bags to the Grammy's, (I'm not really sure why she was allowed to even attend) but they wouldn't let her. The point is, these people had to "work" with her for an entire styling session and photo shoot, so just imagine how times she professed her love of garbage bags and let loose with other similarly grimy gems.






Now might be a good time to mention her atrocious SNL performance. Wow, was it ever lackluster. Teach a bitch how to dance, pop songstress manufacturers! Every moment was womp-womp sad trombone. She looked like a combination of a malfunctioning robot and the Trash Heap from The Fraggles. And we all know she can't sing to begin with, so please don't bother to try anything live. Get your moves tight, and for shit's sake, lipsynch. At least you could be enjoyable then. She really ruined it there. Well. . . and with her Jon Travolta face. I had to go there. Sorry, girl!




Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Cougarhontas

The wonderful homo at siennadenima has done it again. This one is pretty good, but I'm crossing my filthy fingers for Mulan!


What Is the Opposite of Seduction? Repulsion?

I was too lazy to go back and check if I posted this already, but this is worth two posts if that's the case.


Sweet Dreams



I keep forgetting to share a strange dream I had two nights ago. I was in some sort of small cafeteria with tons of people. There was a shady group on the opposite side of the room from me consisting of Nick Cannon, Random Generic White Guy, and super cute blond guy. I could tell the blond was the leader of their little cohort, he just looked all evil. He motioned me over, and I didn't mind a closer look at him. When I got over there he had Nick Cannon use some power on me to choke me and make it so no one paid any attention to me. Imagine that! Nick Cannon with the power to be ignored. Surprising. Anyway, I broke free of that somehow, then I figured out that I needed to attack Jennifer Coolidge. Yes, Stiffler's mom. I don't know what that was about, but she was there and I approached her with the handle end a butter knife. I slowly stabbed it through her titty three times, passing between ribs in an attempt to get her cold, black heart. "Hey! Watch it!" is all she had to say in her funny voice before she slumped, and I woke up. How random is that?? I love Jennifer Coolidge. I don't know why I'd want to take her out. But I recognized that she was a threat, and I wouldn't let me love of her big ass and silly ways get in my way. Maybe that's the message.

Sidenote: She's one of those people I just can't picture young. What could she have looked like at my age? It's like that video of Rue McClanahan I saw a few weeks ago in which she's young and performing some sort of (hopefully ironic) burlesque dance. She just looks....exactly the same, but not wrinkly. It's not really sexy, it's actually rather disturbing. I don't remember if I posted it already, so if not, you have that shit to look forward to.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Check Mii Out

Obviously my personal Mii for the Wii system is a Tranny Jesus. Duh.


Thursday, June 17, 2010

Gagging For Your Nerves

I can't even describe the awesomeness of this video. I can only say that this bitch knows how to turn it out and how to motherfucking LAYER. Make sure to watch the whole thing with nothing distracting you. Eat. It. Up. With. A. Spoon.

Hot Mess In Cleveland


The TV Land premier of Hot In Cleveland was last night, and it was. . . meh. It was trite, cliché, and a little boring at times. There are some decent one-liners but none we haven't heard before. It stars Wendie Malick, Jane Leeves, and Valerie Bertinelli with Betty White as back-up. Wendy is pulling her usual snobby Hollywood schtick from Just Shoot Me, which to her credit she is good at. She's a woman of a certain age who finds the adoration of the simple Ohio folk amusing. Jane Leeves was more crass than the last time I paid her any attention (Frasier), and she's fine. I suppose it works for her. Her character has glasses in the pilot which annoyingly reflect whatever monitors are on set, which only serves to remind me that she's acting, and isn't acting the sweet girl we're used to from Frasier. Then there's Valerie Bertinelli. Valerie who? Exactly. Oh, that big girl from Weight Watchers? Yes. Was it even WW? I'm not even sure because I've never paid attention to her, and I don't care to now. She's boring, whiny, and the whole time I just wanted her to shut up. She's supposed to be the focus of the series with her sad story of her soon-to-be-ex-husband becoming engaged to a younger woman. The problem is she is so blah that she isn't likable at all, and I won't be rooting for her underdog performance.


And Betty. Oh, Betty. She's the only reason to watch. The show has her as a sassy, crass octogenarian who clashes especially with Jane Leeves. She's funny, and it's obvious she's a pro who knows comic timing. They favor giving her lines not expected from the elderly, which rather makes it seem like an extension of her SNL hosting duty, but I'm into it. I fully support anything she does. Thank you, Ms. White, for making this program tolerable. I'd live for whatever she is a part of. It could be The Betty White Baby Strangling Hour, and I'd still cherish it on my DVR.
addendum: I just want to say a few more things. This is a fun show, don't get me wrong. Sometimes I expect everything to live up to the hilarity of Cougar Town or the drama of Battlestar Galactica. HIC is a perfectly acceptable show. In the same way that I guess people enjoy How I Met Your Mother. I'm never really going to give a shit about what the plot is, but it will entertain me. OH, and Jane Leeves' legs are INSANE. So hot. She is looking great, so you know, there's always that.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Monday, June 14, 2010

Say What?


Kelly Bensimon named a drink after herself which contains lemonade, beer, and tequila. Cuntess Luann asked "is that like the Mexican version of a margarita?" Andy Cohen smirked and (at least according to Bravo's editing) looked toward Bethenny as if to ask, "is this bitch for real?"

Kids These Days

I've just discovered the hot summer jam of 2010. . . and it's from 2009. I was listening to an old podcast and heard Mariah Carey's "Obsessed." I can't stop listening to it! Look, I know I'm behind on what's happening with music in general, but give me a break. 2009 was basically a write-off for me, seeing as I was out of commission for a chunk of it. I can't be held responsible for what was happening in the outside world when I was learning to walk again. Anyway, here is the video for it, and I have a couple comments. 1) Mariah is looking GREAT. Oh so good. 2) At first I thought she was kind of cute as a guy, but then I snatched it back when I realized she looks exactly like Wilmer Valderrama.

My Pumps


At work last week I noticed a coworker was taller than usual and complimented her shoes. This prompted someone else to comment that they must have been five-inch heels. I squinted and appraised them for about .25 seconds and said, "three and a half." The other girl busted out a tape measure, and lo and behold, they were 3.5-inch heels. Don't play play on the bang bang.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

C-Bombs Away!



What is the world coming to when a 13-year-old girl drops the c-bomb twice on a morning show? I'll tell you what, it's either the Apocalypse or heaven on earth. I'm leaning toward the latter.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Comic Book Queers




Friends of someone I know produce a great podcast called Comic Book Queers (http://www.comicbookqueers.com/). Well, to be honest I've only listened to a couple, but they are FANTASTIC. Check out episodes 97 and 113 to begin with. The first is a girl talk session featuring Dazzler, Storm, and Emma Frost. They are some nasty fuckin' bitches. Even if you have only paltry knowledge of the X-Men, you'll laugh your ass off. Dazzler likes "long walks on the beach and racial purity" and shoots laser diamonds out of her pussy. Emma Frost just shoots plain diamonds out of her pussy: "my period while in diamond form looks like crystal pepsi." Storm, well she is a fine mess: "because dick'll make you slap somebody, okay?"


The second one is Larry King interviewing Dazzler. Damn. It's great, she mentions that she had a "planned miscarriage." She "decided to get a miscarriage." Finding abortion jokes hilarious is an important part of being my friend I realized recently.




UPDATE: Get episode 106 too! It's the three favorite hobags again.

An Honor


I got a notification today that The Queens of Drag are now following me on Twitter. Yay! www.twitter.com/thequeensofdrag and http://www.thequeensofdrag.com/ are interesting. I guess there's some tv show starring them? I've never heard of it, or maybe it's yet to be aired. I love how the bio says "like the housewives show, but better wigs!" So true, so true. I have a few comments though. I live for Kevin Aviance. And to a lesser extent, I live for Lady Bunny and Peppermint Gummibear. Now: Hedda Lettuce. OOOoooh, girl. I respect what you do, and you've been doing it for a minute, but you need to work on your looks. TIRED. Now all they need is some Tammie Brown.

Quality

It's a tranny day here at Fat Camp. Let me just say, Britney Houston is fucking gorgeous and unspookable. Enjoy:


Oh Betty

A friend of mine is hilarious and a talented artist. Check out a new webcomic every Wednesday at http://www.butyourelikereallypretty.com/. Here's a sample of his work:


Monday, June 7, 2010

Textual Intercourse


Brady: do you think brown underwear would go with my skin tone?

me: that might be the gayest thing you've ever said

me: but yes.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Medical Pamphlets

There are some hilarious medical pamphlets out there. I've selected a few to share.

Of course these faggots with the early 90s hair are in the one for HIV.



For all you trannies looking to get the chop, this one's for you!




And what to do with your brand new penins/vagina:




I love this one. Bitch on the right is totally smizing. And old girl in the middle is throwing some serious shade. She isn't telling you you're ugly, but she doesn't have to tell you because you know you're ugly. (thanks, Dorian Corey)






There are some hilarious medical pamphlets out there. I've selected a few to share.

Textual Intercourse


Brady: I kind of wanted a danish and I was standing in line behind these fat people and I was overcome with like a feeling of self consciousness and felt really fat and I didn't get it.

me: aw so instead you're dining on sit-ups and tears

Brady: Well I shouldn't spend the money anyway.

me: you're right. that $2 could buy you....a travel packet of lube maybe. so you can get your sniz pounded anywhere

Brady: of course you know what that costs

me: ; )

Textual Intercourse


Brady: I'm really sad. I just killed a baby bird on accident :(

me: aww black baby jesus will forgive you. it was an accident

Brady: Well they made a nest under the patio and I pushed it over earlier in the week coz they were making a mess (no eggs) and suddenly they had built a new one so I pushed it over and there was an egg in it :(

me: well are you sure it had a chick in it? maybe it wasn't fertilized yet. or something, i'm not clear on how birds do that

Brady: lol yes. Birds fuck. It's not like the male jiz goes through the egg shell after it's laid.

Brady: well I guess you have a point. It could be just an unfertilized egg that would never have hatched. Female parrots in cages sometimes just lay eggs but the male has to fertilize it before she lays it or it's pretty much just a period.

Brady: chances are that doesn't happen much in nature. There's always a bro willing to fuck a receptive female.

me: there, maybe you didn't just cause an avian abortion

Brady: ha that did make me smile

me: your subconscious Jiz took over and said KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT

me: think of it this way...you saved the mother from having another goddamn baby on her goddamn back

Just A Regular Day

I don't know about you, but I ride magical horses and shoot rainbows out of my nipples on the daily. Trust.