Wednesday, April 8, 2009

The Super Adventure Club iPhone Apps



What's great about the iPhone is that if you want to learn dozens of synonyms for vagina, there's an app for that. If you want to know where you can legally abuse an underage prostitute while she shoots ping pong balls out of her twat, there's an app for that. If you want to figure out how much blood you can drain before your captive dies, there's an app for that. If you want to find a secluded place to bury a dead hooker, there's an app for that. And if you want to learn how to say "I swear I didn't touch your child" in Cantonese, there's an app for that too.

More RHoNY

Simon and Alex's website is fantastic. Apparently Alex used to have dreams of being an actress and has her resume and everything on her own page. She can do all sorts of accents, does an "amazing vocal rendition of Gilligan’s Island theme song in Latin," and did voiceover work as this slutty character:



Strangely fitting.

Her blog is pretty lame, and apparently she got fired from her job? I can't tell if it's recent or not. On the other hand, Simon's blog is pretty funny. In an awkward way. He has actually written commentary on each episode of the season so far. Check it out when you're bored, and try not to vomit.



I'm sorry, but their kids are creepy. Johann looks like Bryce Dallas Howard, and Francois looks like an mid-30s child predator. Genetic FAIL.

Game, Set, Snatch


Aright, linearity be damned, this post might be jumping all around the place because these NY housewives got me trippin' like honky grandma be trippin'. I'll start with Puta Cuntastica herself, Kelly. She graciously deigned to participate in the cute rheumatoid arthritis charity event, even though she doesn't need it, she doesn't need her name on anything, and she just wants to help in the background. Oh, I get your game, bitch. Firstly by letting everyone know that you aren't looking to spread your name (which by the way, people only know you because of your famous ex-husband, so don't get it twisted), it establishes that not only are the other women doing the event to gain notoriety but that you already have enough. She generously arranges for donations, and the audience can see what a philanthropic, altruistic crimson giraffe she is. She got her ex-husband, world-renowned photographer Gilles Bensimon, to donate a portrait session. And yes, they said the whole phrase just like Tyra did for so many episodes of Top Model.


Ramoner of course is gushing and pleased as hell that she can say that her daughter is afflicted with RA and seem more important than she really is, but it might not even be true. If it were an AIDS charity event, you know Ramoner would bug out her eyes and say "Ohmygod! My twelve-year-old daughter TOTALLY has the AIDS!"


Kelly noticed Jill's gaudy, costumey diamond ring, and Jill let us know that it's the "baby," and the "mama" is in the vault. I can just imagine Jill's response when she saw the mama diamond: "But I thuawght the old bitch dropped it inta tha ocean in the end!"


The Douchess visited a Boys and Girls club or something. She has to pretend she does something with her life, so I guess this was her activity for the week. Her goal was to boost the self-esteem of at-risk little girls, and she only ended up seeming like a pretentious cunt and arrogantly shitting on a child's dream. She made sure to tell everyone all about how she became a countess, blah blah blah, and never give up because you never know where your life will lead you. Yes, good lesson. Never give up hope that a man will come to rescue you from your life of poverty, and you'll never have to look back at the plebians again. Bitch, pleeeeez. These girls have bigger things to worry about like teen pregnancy and getting into college.


A girl told Luann that her dream was to be a model. She had the girl stand up so she could scrutinize her. Apparently she was only ten, but she was kind of a fucking behemoth for her age. Lulu told the girl "you have plenty of time to grow and you have a beautiful face. And--and you know what? Losing weight is easy. That's the easy part. . . you have the basics." Ouch! Hey, little girl who's about to go home to binge and purge, you just got DIScountess'd! You know what though? Fuck you, granny. Maybe she likes the way she looks and doesn't feel the need to conform to your status-obsessed standards of beauty. Maybe she'll be the next Huskeroos model!


That faggot Brad. He is a walking excuse for homophobia.


The tennis match was lame. Simon was Jill's partner against Ramoner and Mayrio. The only funny part was when Jill said her mystery partner was there and "ready to come out." Insert obvious joke here:______ __ ___.


One last thing. Question: what is wrong with Kelly Bensimon's face? Did she get a scarring chemical peel or is she just always drunk?