Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Real Housewives' Alex McCord Fanfic




Circa 1995

Alex removed the cucumber slices from her eyes and stepped out of the bathtub. She brought one slice to her lips but quickly pulled it away when she reminded herself what tomorrow was.

The most important day of my life. I can't ruin it.

She took out her scrunchy and shook loose her wild brittle hair. It would have to do for now. She couldn't afford the expensive treatments she longed for because she had been saving every penny for the big day. She had recently started taking pills to make her hair more lustrous, but it would take time.

That's alright. I'm patient. I've been waiting my whole life for tomorrow, what's a little more time for nice hair?

She still wanted to look her best for the occasion. Simon always told her she was beautiful no matter what she looked like at the moment, and Alex couldn't believe how lucky she was. She sighed and gazed over at his sleeping figure in the bed they shared. She wanted so badly to ravage that spindly, feminine body of his but knew they both needed rest. She considered his countless freckles and shuddered with delight. It would be difficult to control herself tonight, but the wait would be worth it.

She still remembered the first time she laid eyes on those thick nipples when they met at Parsons the New School for Design. Alex was studying illustration, and Simon was a fashion major. It was love at first sight, and Alex has adored every part of him ever since, from hemorrhoids to ginger, kinky nipple hairs.

They would start their new life the very next day. There was only one obstacle left before their happily-ever-after.

Well, technically three.

It made no difference. As of tomorrow, Alexis McCord would be an honest-to-God woman, and Alexander McCord would no longer exist.

CUNT/OFF



This week on the Real Housewives of New York City we learned that there's a new cunt on the block, and her name is Kelly Bensimon. She complained about the previous episode's altercation with Bethenny to Ramona: "That would be like me being jealous of you. Why would I be jealous of you?" Good question, Kelly. Good, cunty question. Yes, a real cunt is effortlessly true to her nature. Kelly managed to redundantly berate Bethenny for being childish, immature, and sophomoric. All the while, Kelly herself was pouty, condescending, and rude. I'm guilty of all those acts, but at least I admit it. A spade is a spade, and a redfaced bitch is a redfaced bitch.

The only other noteworthy happening in the episode is the revelation that Luann should have been a Duchess. Her literary agent reminded her of this, and she acted as if she didn't really want to tell the story because it was so embarassing, but since he brought it up, well, okay I'll tell it. One of her husband's ancestors already had the Count title, but he turned down the offer of being a Duke. It wouldn't really have changed much. She'd still act like a righteous, entitled bitch, only instead of calling her the Cuntess, we'd be calling her the Douchess. Apparently her crypt keeper husband is rolling her out of his mausoleum and moving on to younger, trashier mistresses. After the divorce, does she get to keep the title of Cuntess? I don't know how that shit works since the closest thing we have to royalty is Oprah and Brangelina. People actually say that. Sometimes I am so ashamed to be American.