Tuesday, January 13, 2009

. . . For Men





I'm convinced my hair is starting to get thinner at the "vertex" of my head. I use quotes because I did the research and ultimately ordered a three month supply of Rogaine foam. It arrived today, yipee! I figure I might as well try it. If it works I'll just use it until I can snare a man I'm confident will stay with me forever and then just let myself go. It it doesn't, then oh well, Joel McHale's got a mad bald spot growing on his head, and I still find him extremely sexy.


Tyra Would Be Proud

I drew this awhile ago:

My Friends Are Shitmagnets Too



This happened to my friend Milo not too long ago.
Milo went to a party with a friend of his, and it was comprised mostly of people he didn't really know. Within two minutes of arriving, some random drunkety-drunk guy, let's call him Failboy, started hitting on Milo. Failboy suggested they go "smoke a cigarette," and by cigarette he probably meant COCK. Once outside and properly cancered, Failboy's hands are all over Milo, and Milo doesn't really know what to do, but figures a little harmless petting is fine. Of course, Failboy wants to do a lot more than some quality 8th grade-style groping, so he suggests that they go for a walk. Failboy practically accosts Milo and pulls him not into an alley or anything classy like that, but a stairwell to a random apartment building, right off the sidewalk. There's kissing and whatnot briefly until Failboy pulls down his own pants and starts jerking his failmeat. Now Milo is a little startled and confused, and they're both standing several steps up from the ground. Failboy then bends over, facing down the stairs and says, "Fuck me! You wanna fuck me?" Rather taken aback, Milo says, "Um, I don't really have any equipment with me." Right about then is when Failboy started vomiting like crazy. Milo's holding him and trying to help, and between barfs, Failboy says, "I'm so sorry. . . I still want you to fuck me." This dude is a piece of work. Milo starts trying to clean himself up because now there's vom on the side of his pants. Failboy takes this opportunity to fail more and NO-ARM-FACEPLANT into the sidewalk from four steps up. Oh yes, there will be blood. Now Milo can finally convince Mr. Trainwreck that it's time to go back to the party, and they clearly have been gone WAY too long to just have a smoke break. I was a little surprised to hear that Failboy didn't say something like, "no it's cool, just use the vomit and blood as lube." My friend shows up to the party with barfpants and a bloody-faced, stinky, diarrhea-mouth Failboy. Everyone's like, "what the fuck happened?" and Milo gives them a censored version of the truth, but the two girls he actually knew kind of saw through it. The thing is, they acted like Failboy does this on the daily, and they knew there was more to the story, but didn't press it. They must have known they didn't really want to hear that their friend threw up and broke his face while propositioning a guy he doesn't even know for unprotected sex. However the girls did need some plausible story because they needed to tell Failboy's BOYFRIEND how he got all fucked up.

A few days later, Milo got a Facebook friend request from Failboy that included a message saying that he didn't remember some stuff that happened and left his phone number so they could talk about it. Milo neither accepted the request nor responded.

Public Transportation

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Gotta love it.

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