Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Day 1



When Life Gives You Lemons, You Paint That Shit Gold

Today was my first day of trying the master cleanse diet. You know the one. Remember how Beyonce announced on Oprah that she lost weight in preparation for Dreamgirls by consuming nothing but water, lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper? That's the one. The mixture for one serving is supposed to be 8 ounces of water, 2 tbsp lemon juice, 2 tbsp grade B maple syrup, and 1/1o tsp of cayenne pepper. I like spiciness even though I have a very low threshold for it, but when I made my bottle-full for work this morning, I put in WAY too much pepper. It is recommended to drink 6-12 servings of this mess per day. I'm currently enjoying it sans pepper, and it is fucking delicious. This kosher organic bullshit maple syrup is great. I'll never go back to that big bitch Mrs. Buttersworth or that shameful Aunt Jemima ever again.

It's not even been one day, but I want food so bad! I don't even feel that hungry, I just want to taste something! I have nine more days of this to look forward to. Yikes. Oh, you're also supposed to drink herbal laxative teas at bedtime and drink some sort of salt water in the morning to get your bowels moving. Eff that noise. I drank some of the tea last night, and I'll probably continue to do so, but there's no way I'm doing more than that. I woke up this morning convinced that the tea had no effect. Then about an hour after waking, it hit me. I had to go NOW. Anyway, I'll keep updates on how I'm doing, because I'm going to have to bitch about this. I weighed myself this morning, and though I won't say what the result was, I'm hoping it will be considerably less in 9 days.