Sunday, January 4, 2009

Rock Of Loathe

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Since I'm really into masochism, I checked out the third installment of the Rock of Love series. Yikes. This time around, the skanks are all traveling with Bret on his tour. He promises that if he doesn't find love this time, he's giving up. I assume that doesn't include more shows however.

Here's a quick breakdown of the sluts. I may have missed one or two, they mostly blended together into a blonde, booby mess.

Brittaney: "pornstar." Getting paid to be fucked on film doesn't make you a star--it makes you a prostitute. She serenades Bret with her goblin voice. One of the other girls said "if I was a director, I'da yelled CUT right away." Well, if I were a director, I'd have yelled CUNT right away.

Melissa: blonde. sutpid. boobs. NEXT

Nikki: [pictured above] the shining star. She has tits up to her chin and a plastic face. She said Bret is gorgeous. Maybe she needs eye implants too? Get this, she's a DJ and a graffiti artist. Her spinning name is DJ Lady Tribe [rolls eyes]. She doesn't do graffiti anymore because she got six months in jail for it. To deter her from climbing over walls and doing other stunts to tag walls, etc., she got size KKK breast implants. Her rationale is that she can no longer do all physical feats necessary because she might pop a boob. She's also a rapper. She busted out lyrics written on the backs of papers whose headlines read "genital herpes" and "gonorrhea." Red flag, Bret. Red flag. You know a bitch got those at the free clinic. Girls who think they're pretty get so damn lazy. The think they can always rely on looks without having to resort to trickery, manipulation, and deceit. Take a lesson from Lacey on the old Rock of Love. She was busted and knew she had to be resourceful and conniving. You won't always have your looks, but you can always be a tricky bitch. And you can't just keep getting surgery. Demi Moore looks good for about five minutes between all the months of procedures and operations she has to recover from. In the end, she'll just end up looking like Jocelyn Wildenstein. Trust.
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(did she get a head enlargement?!?! What the fuck is wrong with it??)

Ashley: blonde. big tits. Snoozerella

Heather: When snapping her photo, Bret told her to be natural and beautiful like she is. Okay, one of those things she has never been, and the other she hasn't been for YEARS.

Megan: blonde. boobs. She really did refer to herself as an "animal traineress." Well good. Maybe she can tame that bogus weave monster on Bret's head.

Constandina: *sigh* She said she was from the foothills of the Appalachian mountains. Read: INBRED. She says she's a very spiritual person. Please allow me to steal a line from Daniel Tosh: "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!" She claims to have a masters degree in storytelling and wants a PhD in mythology and folklore. Is that shit real? She's getting these from online schools that aren't real, right? Bitch has a masters degree in BULLSHIT.

Natasha: Or, Token Black Girl: That's a man. Aspiring madam. I'm so glad women aren't afraid to go for their dreams these days. I have a feeling I'm going to like her, but I also have a feeling she might get the boot for being violent. We'll see. Not crazy about her eye makeup. Looks like her makeup artist is Michael J. Fox.

Marci: blah blah blah, she made the mistake of thinking she's attractive enough to ignore cultivating a personality.

Stephanie: blonde. boobs. looks like Jessica Simpson. She's an LPN, so she can't be entirely stupid. She has a cripdaddy (that would be crippled daddy) who's married to a 26-year-old.

Kelsey: from Utah. She has Milo Ventimiglia strokemouth.

Maria: she's 40, a retired model. blah blah blah

Marcia: at first glance, she's crickets galore, but there's more to come. She the resident fatty.

Mindy: flapjack titties. No need for further description.

Farrah: blonde. boobs. I'm sensing a theme here. Ladies, listen up. Being blonde, having a fake tan, and huge fake boobs doesn't automatically make you pretty!

Brittanya: nice name. She has cheek piercings in her dimples. Not cute.

Beverly: snoozerly

SaMANtha: When her hair is down, she has mad MOM hair. She has motion sickness. Good idea to be on a show taking place on a bus. That's like a person with a phobia of cock (phalluphobia?) agreeing to be the receptive partner in the world's biggest gangbang.

Taya: Penthouse pet. Whatever. Bret wears more makeup than her.

Gia: lesbian. shows her rack and makes out with Bret right away.

They all get drunk, yada yada. Marcia pours a beer on Ashley, Gia and Farrah dyke out for a while. At some point, someone says "Beverly is a dude. And I don't think Bret wants to date a dude. Seriously." Well his makeup, hair, and clothing tell a different story. The skanks go on stage at a Bret concert then go drink at a bar. Bret shows up with a bad case of dick-sucking-voice. Then Gia and Nikki are involved in something so gross, it can't even be shown on television blurred. All I know is it involved drinking out of a pussy. TWATSHOT! Heather bites it on the stairs on her way out. Full on assplant, dramatic exit fail.

The next morning, the girls assemble in front of the bus, and Nikki hobbles up to them with mad sex-walk looking like she got all her holes flooded all night long. Marcia drinks a bottle of tequila, vomits, then proceeds to make out with Bret. The "blondetourage" has a group kiss with him, and when all you can see is the backs of their heads with nasty barbie hair with dark roots and crabs crawling everywhere, they all look the same.

Marcia throws chips in Ashley's face, Ashley pours a beer on her. Then it's ON. Marcia doesn't fuck around and decides she just gotta choke a bitch out. So she does. Bret lets her stay, which is probably his only good decision in the entire episode. And why is Ashley so upset? I'm sure her face has been covered with much more vile things than chips. Marcia says she was upset about the beer, but not because it got her all wet: "you do not waste alcohol like that. That is not cool." What? Is there a shortage of it where she's from in Brazil? I imagine parents in this country guilting their kids when they don't finish their liquor like "there are thirsty children in Brazil who don't even have alcohol!"

Nikki shows up to elimination in a Vampirella swimsuit, drunk as fuck. She's trying to do sexy poses, but she keeps knocking into the sluts around her. The smoldering bedroom eyes, or rather, roofie eyes as they look, seem to say "do me in the butt. I'll be passed out anyway, I won't even know." Unfortunately, even the occular promise of anal intercourse isn't enough to save her from getting chopped. She also has "F-U-C-K Y-O-U" written across her knuckles. This is one classy broad. They should really say "F-U-C-K M-E." Nikki really needs her own show. the premise could be something like Who Wants to Fuck a Tranny Mess? My girl Marcia is saved. Ashley is going to be pissed. Yes! Reality TV show murder is imminent!

Bret says to the remaining girls waiting to get passes "without a doubt all of you has individual personalities." There is seriously nothing to compliment them on. He was like "you're all definitely. . . um. . . breathing."

To come on the Rock of Love Bus:
boobs will be jiggled
diseases will be spread
babies will be made
falcons will be punched

Below are Token Black Girl and Mom Hair (with hair up):

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