Saturday, November 5, 2011

Blow Me, Hipsters

Taking the train to see Blanche D’Almonds is always a trip.  I saw a grown midget, schlubby foreign students, and a sexy hipster Jew in the station alone.  Also at the station was a group of what I assumed was college boys.  They had books out and were studying something.  One was super cute and another was fuckable.  I sat near them for a hot minute, and then a random old pervert made his move.  He started chatting them up and asked if they could help him activate his phone.  Old dude had a five dolla phone from the two dolla store.  The boys (and I say BOYS now because in the course of eavesdropping, I learned that they were HIGH SCHOOL SENIORS at a nearby Catholic boys’ school) claimed they didn’t have a phone themselves which would be needed to make the call to activate the phone.  The old perv kept talking to them, but I moved to start the line.  I made sure to be first in line because I’m ocd like that.  I saw some adorable little black girls whom I’m pretty sure were named Tia and Tamera.  Then there are the butt-ers.  I FUCKING HATE YOU.  I openly glared and judged them.  They are generally white entitled bitches from the suburbs.  They just saunter up to the front as if that’s the thing to do.  At least they didn’t try to get in front of me, because I will rape you to death with my words if you even TRY that shit with me.  I am not the one.  I’m also not the one to sit next on the train unless you are a sexy guy, then please, take a seat).  But I wanted to be left alone on my trip to Chicago today, so I placed a bag on the seat next to me, put on sunglasses, and closed my eyes.  This usually works, and it seemed to do the trick today.  Then this group of Apple-product-toting zombies boarded the train.  UGH.  OH and one of them is Australian.  What’s worse than an American hipster?  A foreign hipster.  Anyway, this group of maybe six kids randomly had a tall, muscular, sexy motherfucker in a hoodie and faux glasses, true to hipster style.  I’d hate fuck him.  They all started filling in the extra seats in my area, but thankfully left me alone.  Then before I even had the chance to put my headphones on and ignore the world, the hipster girl one seat up and one seat over turned around and indicating the unoccupied seat next to me, asked “can I sit here to be closer to my friends?”  I would normally be a pansy ass faggot and say SURE, GO AHEAD, DO YOU NEED MY SEAT TOO, I CAN MOVE!  But not today.  Oh no.  I scrunched my face into a combination of contemplation and disgust and shook my head without saying a word.  The hipsters were flabbergasted.  They couldn’t believe that someone would deny them, white privileged wannabe-alternative kids from good families in the suburbs of Chicago, ANYTHING.  The Australian said “did he just say no?”  And then I was over it.  I couldn’t deal with it anymore because I was concentrating so hard on not laughing in their faces.  Come to think of it, I should have.  But I quickly put on my headphones, looked out the window, covered my mouth with my sleeve and silently laughed my ass off.  This is a momentous day.  Not just for me, but against hipsters everywhere.  I deny you.  YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME.  I really hope I’m gassy on this train, because I would love to punish these jackasses.