Thursday, December 30, 2010

Intriguing

Let's play a game of Hypothetical.  Imagine if you will that several months ago, your best friend hooked up with a guy he admitted "wasn't [his] type" and "might actually be really good for you."'  They didn't have chemistry, and haven't been in much contact with each other since then.  This annoyed you, but it wasn't terrible.  After all, who am I to chastise someone for refusing perfectly good dick?  Now I, HYPOTHETICALLY, meet him.  At this point, there is no snizgenda, just chit-chatting.  What is the etiquette there?  Am I supposed to pretend I don't know that they snizzed?  The only thing going through my head is how my friend said this guy has the perfect penis.  I just know I'm going to blurt it out.  But do I just bring him around one day and introduce them to each other as if I don't know they've had each other's cocks in their mouths?  Or can I say, this is my best friend whom I believe you know?  I wonder what Emily Post would have to say about such a situation.  My imaginary self asked my friend, and he said to just say nothing about it.  I guess that would be the easiest thing to do.  In the end, it doesn't really matter.  I don't give a shit, and I'm sure they ultimately don't give a shit either.  Maybe this is what people on Craigslist mean by being a "discrete" bro.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Huh?




First of all, I have to address Kesha.  Listening to her latest album, it was obvious this song would be the lead single.  It's catchy and stupid as fuck.  I've really been getting into it lately to be honest though.  I don't listen to the radio, so the only time I hear it is when it occasionally comes up on my  iPod.  So I acknowledge how terrible and shitty this song is.  This is a fun video if you go into it viewing it as making fun of itself.  If this shit is for real, it is sad.  I've actually seen this Christian Beasley faggot before.  I sent a video of him dancing in a small tight pair of shorts to a friend of mine a while ago because I found it erotic.  So even though this is the largest collection of shitty homosexuals I've seen in a while, it's entertaining.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

A Win for Sniz

Two of my favorite things came together today for one glorious moment.  Today's Very Mary Kate video features MK in confession saying, "bless me father for I have snizzed."  I'm not going to lie, I got really deep into a vain fantasy for a hot second.  I figured that like any quasi celebrity, she would google herself.  Well, perhaps that leads to my page, where I gave a glowing review.  And she couldn't help but notice how funny and fantastic my blog is, which is obviously where she picked up use of the word sniz.  You're welcome.


Sunday, December 19, 2010

Celluloid Classics

Girls Will Be Girls ranks high on my list of stupid movies I can watch all the time.  It's a scathing comedy about drugs, rape, and abortion.  All the women in the film are played by men.  Yeah, big surprise coming from me, I know.  They aren't supposed to be trannies, it just adds to the humor.  The jokes are dirty and just plain wrong.  That's why I love it.  That's why the quotes section of my Facebook profile has a couple selections such as "One?  Coco, I''ve had more children pulled out of me than a burning orphanage?"

If you have the power of sight and vision, I recommend watching GWBG a.s.a.p.  There are also more goodies on YouTube like The Jizz Party and Delivering Coco.  Apparently there is a planned sequel due out in November of 2011.  Yay.  So see the movie, and check out all the videos.













Saturday, December 18, 2010

Songs To Wake Up To

I was singing this song in my head as I woke up.  It's a fun one.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Baby, It's Cold Outside

I read in a funny Jew's blog recently that every Jew has a favorite Christmas song.  I thought, "bullshit."  I wracked my brain trying to think of Xmas songs, and I hated them all.  I don't mind Mariah Carey's version of "All I Want for Christmas Is You," but it doesn't stick in my head.  Then I found it.  "Baby, It's Cold Outside."  What really irked me was that so many places had it listed without the comma in the title.  WRONG.  I love me some grammar, and I try to follow the rules unless it gets in the way of my style.  It's not technically a Christmas song, but it's now a traditional holiday number.  Perhaps the other reason I like it is that it is so fucked up.  Take a listen to the lyrics.  Here's a version that was recently on Glee:



Whaaaaat???  This song is about attempted acquaintance rape, and you know I like disturbing things.  Seriously though, it is wrong.  Apparently in the printed score, the male is referred to as "wolf" and the female "mouse."  Oh that's nice.  The guy in the song is horny and manipulative:


My mother will start to worry (Hey beautiful, what’s your hurry)


And father will be pacing the floor (Listen to that fireplace roar)

So really, I’d better scurry (Beautiful, please don’t hurry)

Well, maybe just a half a drink more (Put some music on while I pour)

The neighbors might think (Baby, it’s bad out there)

Say, what’s in this drink (No cabs to be had out there)



He goes on to say what a storm it is outside and that she's hurting his pride.  This followed by "don't hold out."  This dirty motherfucker.  Or how about this implied threat against her family?


My sister will be suspicious (Your lips look delicious)


My brother will be there at the door (I ain’t worried about you brother)

My maiden aunt’s mind is vicious (That ol’ biddy, she ain’t gonna bother me)

 
What a lovely story this song tells.  I can just imagine how it ends up.  She stays with him, wooed by his greasy charm.  Mouse ends up sleeping with the Wolf under heavy influence of roofies.  As a result of this tryst, Mouse becomes pregnant.  In 1949, you don't just run out and get an abortion.  A proper young lady gets married.  So that's what Mouse does.  She starts an abusive marriage with this philandering man.  When  she is four months pregnant, Wolf pushes her down the stairs, causing a miscarriage.  Incensed at this tragedy, her sister, aunt, and brother show up at their door, which only serves to outrage Wolf even more.  He invites them into the parlor to discuss what really happened.  They all sit down over coffee, and Wolf attempts to soothe the troubled family.  Mouse serves the family, but Wolf doesn't touch his cup.  He also insists that she have none as it is "detrimental to her constitution."  It turns out, he poisoned the coffee, killing Mouse's family members.  Of course, she gets hysterical, you know how delicate women are.  So Wolf has to restrain her in the basement while he buries the bodies.  Eventually he comes down to see her.  With love in his eyes and a smile on his lips, he rapes her to death and eats her face.  What? He said her lips looked delicious.

It's That Time of Year Again

Happy Kwanzaa!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Make It Stop

Yikes!  Hey, guys.  I know all three of you missed me, so we'll just get right back into the swing of things. . .
Everyone who knows me knows I love a good WTF.  This is one of them:


peeking virtue from Douglas Burgdorff on Vimeo.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Wisdom

Bruce Lee once said something along the lines of "kicking someone in the head is like punching someone's foot."  Unless you ARE Bruce Lee's zombie ghost or Chuck Norris, don't bring your fancy cross-kicks to a street fight.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

It's Official

I've been named.  If I were to be adrag queen, I shall be: Tina Faygala.  A Jewess drag queen.  It's perfect.

And the Children Went UP!

This is jaw-dropping.  First of all, this bitch Leigh Bowery is working some nerves.  That scary serial killer face with the patchwork hippy clown ensemble is insane.  HER FACE.  Good lord, her face.  And then it happens.  It goes from uncomfortable performance to performance ART.  You'll know when you see it. 



I finally watched the drag classic, Wigstock.  It's fun and the shows are great, but it was so short!  At only one hour and fifteen minutes, this documentary needed to be doubled.  My other big problem is that so few of the dragsters are featured.  Where's my Varla?  And where the fuck is Lahoma van Zandt?!?  You can also spook a pre-op Candis Cayne as one of the Wigstock Dancers, and giiiiiirl, she was rough.  She's pretty now, but damn she has had some good work done.  Her barbecue was canceled fa sho (on account of a FUCKED UP GRILL).  Much love though.  It's fun to see the different stages of transformation.  And there's RuPaul with her fantastically cinched waist and youthful face (this was 1993 after all).  One last thing:  God bless Lady Bunny's corset.

Silver Fox?


I found something disturbing this weekend:  my first grey hair.  My brother claims he found one a few months ago, but I think it was just an excuse to snatch my weave out.  This little grey fella is just chilling all by himself on the side of my head.  It's long too, so it's been in the works for a while.  I don't know how I didn't notice until just now.  I'd rather be grey than bald, so I'm hoping this is a new trend instead of hair loss.  I'll take Anderson Cooper over Joey Lawrence.  Maybe Lil' Grey will invite his friends and start a little patch.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Textual Intercourse

My brother: I didn't see Brittany Murphy's name in the cast list for Sin City 2, did she get in a fight with Robert Rodriguez?

Me: I heard she's doing a zombie movie instead.  That, or Weekend at Bernice's.

Brother: Really?  Why? That's dumb.  She has a shitty career as it is, sin2 would be a step up.

Me: well, anything is a step up from her current career.  She could do porn, but she might have been cremated.  Maybe someone could mix her up and use her as an enema or douche.

Brother: wait what?! cremated!? did she die?!

Me:  oh i thought it was a clever joke. that bitch died many months ago

Brother: oh shit, I forgot.  Oops, how is Sin City 2 going to keep going?

Me: yeah (EYEROLL) she was so vital

Thursday, November 4, 2010

That's Nice

Here's the question: is it blowjobby or watersportsy?  Either way it's hot and awkward.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Tranny Baby Alert

Babies shouldn't have DSL.
I don't know what's happening here, but I approve.  The headline might as well read "baby's first time up in drags walking a ball."  She will definitely snatch a trophy.  She's got some fierce Kate Gosselin (whoa, what happened to her?  Totally forgot until I saw this coiffure) hair, and she is WORKING the cholita eyebrows.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Narsty

I don't know what exactly is going on with her pit situation.  She needs to shave and find a deodorant that doesn't leave white streaks.  Get yourself learnt, bitch.

Ooooh She Shady

Here's Tim Gunn feeling the cunt.

Today's Lesson

My tranny hooker boots!  My God!  I can't move my tranny hooker boots!
I am so embarrassed.  Somehow I never knew the true origin of the word "tranny."  It's a diminutive of transvestite, not transsexual.   Transvestism generally only implies crossdressing.  Transsexualism is simply when someone identifies with a gender other than his biological sex.  Maybe I did know this, but I've forgotten.  I'm having memories from a book that referred to transgendered people (fucking hell, don't even get me started on transgendered vs. transsexual; my fragile mind can't handle that right now) going through the transition as "transies."  That's a little advanced, and it just doesn't soothe my ears like TRANNY. 

What started this was GLAAD throwing a fit over a kid saying tranny in an episode of Glee.  The kids were to put on The Rocky Horror Show, and Mike Chang backed out of playing the "sweet transvestite" Frank 'N' Furter because his parents didn't want him "dressing up like a tranny."  GLAAD's Matt Kane commented that "unfortunately the larger problem here is that the word “tra**y” has become an easy punch line in popular culture, and many still don’t realize that using the term is hurtful, dehumanizing and associated with violence, hatred and derision."  First of all, if you're going to play grown up, use the real word.  If it is so polarizing, don't give it power by fearing to even write it.  "Tranny" is not Voldemort.  Secondly, I strongly believe that epithets can be used to highlight ignorance.  Okay, Mike Chang's parents don't want him to dress like a tranny.  Ha ha ha.  But what is that really saying?  It's showing that his parents are so closed-minded that to them, even playing the part of a tranny is unacceptable.  I don't really see anything wrong with referring to people as trannies.  If a female friend is wearing terrible makeup and a bad outfit, yes, I will tell her she looks like a tranny.  In an old episode of Glee, Finn says "fag" to Kurt, and it was a very powerful use of the word which emphasized Finn's own issues and insecurities.  Invectives can serve a higher purpose than just making us laugh.

This Is Cute

I think I randomly found this from someone's Twitter page.  I like eery and slightly disturbing stuff like this:
His Face All Red

Tranny McGuyver

Enough said.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Friday, October 29, 2010

Looking Good



This bitch knows she's hot.  It's 1985, and she's about to paint the town neon.  I'm not going to lie, her lip gloss be poppin.  She looks this crazy made up, just imagine what she looks like at 6:00 a.m. with no makeup and no wig. This is a man, right?

Hell Yes



I think I've written about these books before, but my favorite fantasy series ever is The Wheel of Time by Robert Jordan, and now Robert Jordan and Brandon Sanderson.  There are 11 books so far, with number 12 due out at the beginning of November.  These books are amazing.  The story is epic and engrossing, and the detail of the world and multitudes of characters is astonishing.  Jordan created a compelling magic system, which is vital for any fantasy read, but this might be the most interesting.  The original author died a few years ago, but he had already outlined how he wanted the series to end, even writing some of it himself.  The last two books are co-authored by Brandon Sanderson, a talented fantasy writer by his own merit.  I'm excited for the next book, and this trailer gave me multiple nerdgasms.  The character being quoted was my favorite, and she last appeared many books ago, but the authors have been hinting at her rescue for some time.  NBC has the rights to do a miniseries for the first entry, but it's apparently unlikely that it will be made.  Universal Pictures plans on making the first book into a movie, but this worries me.  There's too much going on in this world to translate to film.  I think it's possible for a great movie, but no matter what, it will be highly simplified.  It has potential to be terrible, but I'll see it anyway.  If you haven't read the books, get off your grubby ass and go get The Eye of the World.  Better yet, sit your grubby ass in that seat, and just order the Kindle edition.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Tranny of the Day

Okay, well I think he might be a drag queen, but that's just a technicality at this point.  Directed by Michael Serrato with a cameo by the lovely Calpernia Addams:

Monday, October 25, 2010

Finally

I should have started this a long time ago, damnit.
http://guysofgrindr.tumblr.com/

Hells No



Kristin Cavallari has no fucking business being in a video for the Trevor Project.  Really, bitch?  An anti-bullying PSA?  You got PAID to be a bully for years. You're a professional bully.  You took that shit to a  whole nother level. 

Thursday, October 21, 2010

I'm Martha Fucking Stewart

I'm currently enjoying a lovely chilled glass of water infused with rosemary.  This is a little trick I picked up from a. . . little trick in Chicago.  This young architect gentleman and I got to know each other over a glass of the same beverage.  It's simple.  Throw a couple fresh sprigs of rosemary into a (I use Britta) pitcher of water in the fridge.  Enjoy.

All Things Buffy

Yikes.  I started this post at the beginning of August and have abandoned it until now.  Here we go. . .

I've been meaning to write a Buffy The Vampire Slayer post for a very long time. I recently started rewatching the series, and I'm still in love with it. I didn't religiously watch it when it originally aired, but I caught episodes here and there. Then a few years ago, I watched the two episodes that aired every day on TNT, and LOVED it. I remembered some of it, but I finally caught up on it. At that point, season seven wasn't syndicated yet, so I had to get those DVDs, and I burned through them quickly. I imagine it would be difficult for someone to get into it now having never seen it. The first season is rough. The first two seasons are rough, really. The first season is just an intro to everything Slayer. The plot is whatever and the monster of the week format is fine as an introduction to the series. The story with Angel is compelling and interesting enough to keep the viewers watching. Of course the last episode is great with Buffy facing off against the Master and Cordelia becoming more of a Scooby.

The second series really picks up, and you start to get a better idea of the tone of the show. You get glimpses of its potential, but I still don't think it really found its voice yet. Spike is around this season, and he's always a treat, but he's completely evil at this point, and a little two-dimensional. The introduction of the second slayer as a result of Buffy's two-minute death in the first series is fun. The best part about Kendra (definitely NOT that terrible made-up accent) is that she named her stake Mr. Pointy. Buffy fucks Angel, Angel loses his soul, Buffy has to kill him, blah blah blah. I'll admit there was some great drama from Angelus' attitude toward Buffy and the subsequent running him through with a sword.


Season three is when Buffy really starts to shine. There are some hilarious episodes like "Band Candy," "The Wish," and "Zeppo" that hit the comedic stride that I feel the show is known for. This is of course balanced with some great drama in the form of the new slayer in Sunnydale, Faith. Bitch is crazy. At first we think she's crazy in a good way, but it turns out she's damaged goods and doesn't know how to deal with life. She kind of becomes evil, and a bitch loves to kill (even a human! The lovely and talented Jack Plotnick of Girls Will Be Girls future fame no less!). In the end, Buffy has to nut up and stab a cunt with her own knife. Sometimes you just have to cut somebody.


The fourth season is important to me for a few reasons. The first is that everyone's look improves. Buffy was always cute, but she really starts to get beautiful. Willow moves from super nerd to nerd chic, which is nice. She finally starts in on some full-fledged witching, making her more of a standout. She realizes her dykeyness and starts "doing spells" with Tara. Ugh. Tara. She was likable sometimes, but mostly annoying at first, with her stammering and shyness. Season four was also special because Anya became a regular cast member. She is THE BEST. She's hilarious without meaning to be, and watching her try to adapt to human ways is amazing. I miss her. But more about that later. Spike's neutering by the Initiative really serves to put the show on another level. Seeing him as a quasi-good guy is rewarding, and the playful interactions with gang are fantastically written.

Season five is when the show really becomes Buffy for me. I think this might be because the first season I bought on DVD was this one, resulting in many viewings. Spike becomes integrated with the Scooby gang, sort of kind of earning their trust.  To some extent.  This is of course the season that starts out with (well the Dracula episode which was really funny and called back to in the comic) Buffy's previously non-existant sister appearing.  Yeah, big WTF there.  Dawn sucked SO HARDCORE at first.  Well, she always sucks, but she gets less annoying further into the series.  The Big Bad this season is a fun departure from scary beasts in the form of a pretty blonde goddess shunned from her hell dimension.  And of course, there is the "The Body."  This is the amazing episode where (spoiler alert, too late) Buffy's mother dies.  There's no music in the episode, and it is quite intense.  It just hurts to watch.  I love uncomfortable things like that.  The speech that always gets to me the most comes from Anya:
But I don't understand! I don't understand how this all happens. How we go through this. I mean, I knew her, and then she's, there's just a body, and I don't understand why she just can't get back in it and not be dead anymore! It's stupid! It's mortal and stupid! And, and Xander's crying and not talking, and, and I was having fruit punch, and I thought, well Joyce will never have any more fruit punch, ever, and she'll never have eggs, or yawn or brush her hair, not ever, and no one will explain to me why.
The season ends with Buffy sacrificing herself to save her sister.  I suppose that could have been an end to the series, but I'm glad it wasn't because the next season was my favorite.

This is where I need to rewatch again, but I'll go from memory for now.  I took a break to watch HIMYM, 70 episodes of Bleach, and new episodes of current shows.  The gang brings Buffy back to life, but she has trouble adjusting to being back in the world.  Seems they pulled a bitch out of heaven.  Oops!  The reveal is so memorable in the amazing musical episode "Once More With Feeling."  The introduction of The Trio of nerds is fun and cute.  There are some really fun episodes like "Gone" where Buffy gets a cute haircut that no one can see because ZOMG! the Trio made her invisible.  It's cute.  "Doublemeat Palace" remains one of my favorites as well.  Willow and Tara break up because Willow becomes addicted to magic and does a ton of stupid shit, blah blah blah.  Just as they're about to get back together, one of the Trio comes barging into Buffy's backyard, shoots Buffy, and a stray bullet kills Tara.  That is a SAD fucking scene.  Lesbian Witch goes all Dark Willow and wants some revenge.  Then she wants to end everyone's suffering by destroying the world.  Natch.

The final season changes the game when all the potential slayers the team can get are brought to Sunnydale after it's found that they're being murdered.  Oh yeah, at the end of Six, Spike loved Buffy so much that he tried to rape her.  You know how that goes.  It turns out that he went through some crazy trials and had his soul restored, thinking Buffy could love him once he had it.  Aww.  He's back, but he's insane for a while.  The First Evil serves as the Big Bad this time around, and it's an appropriately epic touch for the final season.  The cutest of the Trio, Andrew, returns in a capacity to help the slayers, and he is fantastically nerdy.  The Hellmouth is opening, and an ancient breed of bad ass vampires are on the loose.  They are pretty much invincible at first, but once they manage to kill one, they are treated as hardly worse than regular vamps.  This is a glaring inconsistency that Joss Whedon admits in the commentary, but it had to happen I think.  They pull off a coup in the end, and Willow performs a spell to give all potential slayers in the world the powers of a full slayer.  It's a pretty inspiring scene, and it's very Girl Power.  In the end, Anya is killed (sad dot com slash ME), the Hellmouth is closed, and Sunnydale is destroyed.  It's a great end to a great show.

But that's not where the story ends.  It continued in Buffy The Vampire Slayer Season 8, a monthly serialized comic.  I was worried about this one, but it turns out the comic is great!  Mostly.  There are seven volumes so far, with the most recent having just been released this week.  There's a new BB in town, and his name is, get this:  TWILIGHT.  Granted, this was planned well before the Twilight series was mainstream and had tweens creaming their jeans over Robert Pattinson (which btw, I was creaming my jeans over him long before TwilightHarry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, anyone?).  Still, it's unfortunate.  Moving on.  The stories are fun and well written, with appropriate artwork.  The Slayers are all gathered in Scotland with Buffy as their leader.  Shit is going down, Dawn is a giant, then a centaurette, then a rag doll, and Willow seems to have more power than ever.  We discover some interesting secrets, and see some familiar faces along the way.  Being in graphic novel form, the stories have license to do more outrageous things would be prohibitively expensive, which is so fun.  I have to say though, having just finished the most recent trade paperback collection, it was a little disappointing.  Maybe not so much disappointing as WTF?  Angel returns and Buffy gains superhero powers, and the whole reasoning behind everything is just so. . . stupid.  There, I said it.  Fucking stupid.  I still enjoyed it, but DAMN.  It's over, and I'm looking forward to moving onto the next arc.  We know at some point that our resident lesbian Wicca goes Dark Willow again, and it's mentioned many times since Buffy gets sucked into the future for a hot minute.  Hopefully the story of how that happens will be epic.  Thanks to Fray, an older pre-season eight comic collection about a slayer hundreds of years in the future, we know that magic doesn't really exist in the future, but Willow is very much alive and very much magical.  Buffy kills her :(

Which brings me to the motion comic.  Available on iTunes since July, it's exactly what it sounds like.  They started at the beginning, and they're now on the third volume.  The medium really adds a fun dimension to season eight.  I do wish the original actors would have voiced their characters, but the ones present are acceptable.  Each episode is one issue of the comic, and they are released weekly.  I watch them on my iPad, and they are crisp, sleek, and gorgeous.

I hesitate to even mention this, but there is a BTVS videogame.  I believe it was for PS2, and it looked awful.  I don't have it, and I think it might taint Buffy for me to play it.

Monday, October 18, 2010

More Mary Kate

The hilarious woman behind http://www.verymarykate.com/ is finally back.  She took a break from filming since May (read: no funds), but now she's teamed up with College Humor to purportedly bring us new videos every Monday and Thursday.  Here are the two latest, but it appears there hasn't been one posoted today.  Tick muthafuckin tock.




Happy Monday

Here are a few presents to lift your Garfield Monday spirits.  What was with that anyway?  All he had to do was sit around all day, abuse other pets in a multitude of ways, and eat fucking lasagna.  I guess he had to hate Mondays so spinsters could identify with him and cut out those shitty comic strips to hang in their temp cubicles.  Back to the point: Will Smith's 9-year-old daughter's first single has a video now.  It's pretty much what I expected.  I hope she grows up to do porn.  Like that Cosby girl.  Or was it Family Matters?

Whip My Hair:



And the Sesame Street version:



I think this one is nice because the black girl puppet has so many hairstyles.  It's a good message that you can have a natural look, be proud, and not have to worry about getting a weave.  No joke.

Friday, October 15, 2010

This Is Only A Test

That reminds me.  I'm cooking a look for Halloween that I think is genius.  It's a lovely little play on words that I'll keep to myself for now.  Let's just say it requires that I kind of look like a prostitution whore.  I did a mascara test last night while I was bored, and I think it turned out well.  As you can see, I only did one eye.  This is only two coats, and I'll probably go with 10 for the special night.  I want crusty and clumpy.  The ultimate eye look will be walk of shame meets rape victim.  It will make sense in a few weeks.  Can you tell in which picture I'm smizing?


Fascinating

This video is kind of blowing my mind.  I mean, THIRTY looks with one dress!  Oh wait, it's the same drab color.  Still, it is old school glamorous, and I want it for my non-existant drag persona.  I would have to make it dirtier though.  And when people ask why I have a hairy tit hanging out, I can quote this smiley bitch: "now remember, I'm doing this without a mirror!"

Stank Nasty

Here's a parking lot surprise.  I once found a $100 bill in a parking lot.  This is almost as good:

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

This Is Not Okay

Bitch, get the fuck off a program for gay men.  Who the fuck is she talking to anyway?  And nice tagline, hag.  I'm sure all your gay friends appreciate being equated to materialistic objects.  Die, bitch.

It's on Like. . . Diddy Kong?

I wish this were a real game.  I love the stolen music cues.  Especially the Final Fantasy battle victory music.


Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Oops

I was out of town this weekend for a wedding, and I got the chance to head into San Francisco to meet some friends for lunch.  I brought my camera, planning on taking some pictures of us, but somehow I only ended up with two from the city.

Hipster yuppies, YUPSTERS:



Old lady with Rihanna hair:

Friday, October 1, 2010

Come Clean

SOMEHOW THIS MASTERPIECE IS NO LONGER ON MY IPOD.  HEADS WILL FUCKING ROLL.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Tranny 911

This is your lucky day.  I haven't been able to find any clips of this until now (probably because I'm lazy and give up quickly).  But here's an earlier version of Super Tranny Heaven (and Jonny McGovern's Chocolate Puddin') from The Big Gay Sketch Show.  This bitch is great.  From the big ass titties to the makeup to the spiked thigh-high boots.  GET INTO IT.


Big Gay Sketch Show: Tranny 911

Joanie McGovern | MySpace Video

BAM

This guy is somehow involved with Michael serrato a.k.a. Super Tranny Heaven.  I think he directed the first Heaven video, and he was in both looking cute.  Well I have to say I am enamoured with him.  It's his body hair and facial scruff.  It's no secret I'm a fan of slightly-to-moderately hirsuite gentlemen.  Mmm just look at him here.

Another Slice of Heaven

I shared her with you before, but please refresh yourself with Heaven.  She's back with SO many killer looks.  Doesn't $15,000 seem cheap for a sexual reassignment surgery?  I know my girl Calpernia Addams has a $40,000 vagina.  I guess Heaven got the back alley deal with some Mexican botox thrown in.  Anyway, I actually really enjoy this song, and the video is of course magnificent.  You might want to wait to watch it though, because your day is pretty much downhill after that.

My Hero

If I had a good voice, I would just start singing gospel riffs every time I get enraged.



You probably don't recognize this crazy woman, so I shall enlighten you. She has apparently been in Tyler Perry's plays. You remember him of course. I've seen a few of those masterpieces, and let me tell you:  they harmed my very soul.  Yeah yeah, Madea is funny and outrageous and blah blah blah, but the rest is just insufferable.  It's just in-your-face Jesus (I know you love me and all, but leave me alone) and shout-singing gospel.  Go ahead and skip them.  Tyler Perry doesn't need any more money.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

In Dreams

I had a dream last night that I was just chilling by myself, sitting on a stoop somewhere.  A woman and her young daughter came along, and the little girl just up and sat on my lap.  The first thing I noticed was that she had a cat nose and patches of blue fur on her face.  Oh, and whiskers.  I was nice to her and asked her what her name was (I don't remember) and how old she was.  She said she was seven, and I commented on her fur.  She seemed a little embarrassed at first, and her mother said it's something they don't really like to talk about.  I told the girl that I thought her fur was really cute, and I wish I had some.  She giggled, and then I woke up.  I have a general rule about kids:  I hate them.  They annoy me to no end when I encounter them in the wild.  I run away from them like a level 5 mage stumbling across a full grown Adamantoise.  I avoid them like the plague if I see them in public.  Now I think perhaps I make such a fuss because I'm scared I'll never have any kids.  I'll certainly never be knocking any broads up; and right about now, there's no prospect of a partner with whom to rear a child.  I have a friend who in pre-dating stages, found out that the guy in interest wants a kid by the time he's 30, whether he's with someone or not.  Is it just me, or do you not tell people that?  I imagine a woman telling a man (she's never even met yet) that she wants a baby within three years, and I see him heading for the hills.  And with us it's different.  We can't just trick a guy into getting us pregnant if we're desperate.  We have to go through lengthy adoption processes (if you're even allowed to, depending on what state you're in) or deal with surrogacy.  Buying a bitch's baby is EXPENSIVE.  And then she can always back out until the little bastard is born.  I have friends who already have small children.  I can't imagine caring for a child at this stage of my life.  I admit that I really want to, but not for another ten years or so.  Until I feel like I'm in a better place in my life (and hopefully with a man who has Oprah money), I'll continue the charade that I abhor children.  Nasty little things.  Twat vomit and crotch fruit, the lot of them.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Raaaaaspberries!

My eyes have been opened to the true craziness that is Carol Channing.  I've always known who she is, but not really what her deal is.  The only thing you need to know is that she is a crazy old broad. 

I remember watching this old Alice and Wonderland from 1985 and LOVING it.  Sadly I can't find an embeddable version, so you have to click here for it:  Carol Channing's Jam Song.

And then there are some random gems that prove this old bitch (she's kind of like Bea Arthur, she was never young) always had it.  Just pay attention to her ridiculous voice, spastic and insance posturing, and wig skills.





Carol Channing as Marlene Dietrich

Saturday, September 25, 2010

This Bitch Got Me Twisted







Oh, who is that cute latino boy?  JD Samson, that's an cute name for a jailbait looking boy.  Oh, that's a girl?  Well that just rocks my fucking world.  I had heard of JD's "wispy mustache," buut DAMN.  When I think of him as a boy, he's cute.  But when I think of him as a girl, I get a little pukey.  I mean, I'm all about trannies and doing whatever you want to do, but when I'm already having dirty feelings for him and find out she's just a hairy woman, it confuses me.

Friday, September 24, 2010

It's Come To My Attention

That this shit is hilarious.  Watch all the Chloe videos:

Chloe Sevigny

Thursday, September 23, 2010

A Quick Poem

From the genius Elaine Carroll:

There once was a man named OJ,
Who got really angry one day.
So he got out his knife,
And killed his ex-wife,
And left behind some DNA.

Dangerous Wands

YES.


Very Mary Kate

I guess this is really old, but I just discovered it. This trick does a great version of how I would like to imagine Mary Kate is: Very Mary Kate. There are too many to post individually, so check out the site for her videos, but I'll post one below for a quick taste. I love how Ashley is supposed to be the sensible one, you know, because she does things like eat: "I have to go. I ordered a spring roll."


Very Mary-Kate: Moving Out from Mary-Kate Olsen on Vimeo.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Random RuPaul

With the wonderful Judy LaGrange:

Pity Party


Last night was the final of three shitty interactions in one week. They were sad reminders of a harsh reality I can't change, and I really felt like doing some crying. I have this problem where I can't just cry for myself. It started a few years ago, and I'm pretty sure I even know what triggered it. So I won't cry immediately when something terrible happens to me, but I will sob like a fucking baby while watching Disney movies. Something in me says it's okay to redirect it. I don't know how to fix this other than getting to that point and feeling it for myself. That's what I needed to do last night. It was late, so I didn't have the option of watching What Dreams May Come. I settled for the quick solution to bring the tears: the series finale of Six Feet Under. The last sequence gets me every time, and last night was no exception. I quickly burst into suffocating sobs. The kind of crying that literally hurt. Then I felt sorry for myself for a few minutes after that, trying to get it all out. I blew my nose for five minutes and went to bed. I felt so much better this morning and not nearly as melancholy. I've been in a pretty good mood today, in fact. I don't know about you chrome heartless bastards, but I recommend a good cry every now and then. Here's the last few minutes of 6FU, but if you don't already know what happens and plan on watching the show, skip it:



Monday, September 20, 2010

Gossip Sniz



Oh, Gossip Girl. How I love and hate you. I like to watch it and chat with my friend Brady about how awful it is. We have fun. So this shit show is back for a third season. There's not much to say other than everyone is in a heated competition for who can be The Worst. There can be only one (worst)!

Dan is still a douche. A gullible douche. And he needs a haircut STAT.

Chuck should have just died. Now he's fucking the actress who played Fleur Delacour in the Harry Potter movies. She bothers me. Mostly because I've seen her topless for some French movie. Not what I wanted to see.

The parents haven't had much of a chance to prove just how shitty they can be.

Nate is still pretty and just begging for a face full of cock.

Blair is still a cunt. Surprise.

Vanessa. Yuck. This gypsy bitch is still slumming around. GO BACK TO HAITI, BITCH. No one wants you here. At least she combed some of the dreads out. A bitch wears so much chunky jewelry, you can hear her coming from two blocks away.

Then there's Serena. Woof. First of all, she spent this latest episode dressed like a hooker extra from Night Court. See the above picture. That's really the only reason I wanted to write this post. Just. . . ugh. Just soak it in, and deal with that shit for a minute.

I apologize if you were expecting something more substantial here. My feelings can best be expressed by a still from an episode of Sex and the City:

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Frosty the Snizman


Frosty the Snowman Gay porn. Shut. The. Fuck. Up. Only homos. The dildo picture is the best, but I also appreciate the several typos spread across the pages.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Back to the Bitch List

In an archeological coup, the fourth page of the famed Types of Bitches List has been unearthed. Please enjoy:

The Affair




















Mark and I will take tennis lessons from the one and only Novak Djokovic. You see, his uncle knows someone who knows someone who owes him a favor, you know how it goes. At first it will be considered a one-time thing, we'll take him out to lunch and the court; but then he'll see how atrocious our technique is and how charming we are, and he will offer more lessons. He'll quickly become a trusted friend, and Novak will relish the time away from the media. We'll watch movies together, packed tightly onto a sofa, the skin of our legs singing whenever contact is made. We will play fight and wrestle while wearing those cute tennis wristbands. After a morning of perfecting our backhands, we'll retire inside, sweaty. We'll continue our chatting as he showers. Those Serbians are not shy. Then one day he'll get a phone call, get a serious look on his face, and ask us in that sexy accent if we would excuse him for a minute. When he finally comes back inside, his eyes are pink, and he's choking back sobs. Mark and I will hug him and ask what's wrong. As we hold him, he will tell us that his girlfriend broke up with him. He was going to break up with her, but it still hurts. He will say that he's known for a long that time it wasn't going to work out and that he was trying to be who everyone expects him to be. This will of course bring on a fresh round of crying, and we'll do our best to soothe him. Eyes still wet, Novak will put on a brave face and insist that he's fine, that he knew it had to end because he was too different. When I ask how, he will look up at me shyly; and there, wedged with Mark behind him and me in front of him, he will kiss me. Our hands will start roaming, and Mark and I will kiss away his tears. Yada yada , double penetration of a tennis superstar, yada, jizz EVERYWHERE.







Monday, September 13, 2010

More Boring Fat Girl Stuff


I realized I haven't really been keeping track of the books I'm reading, so I should make a list somewhere. I want a record of it, and instead of storing an obscure list on my computer, I'll just do it here. So feel free to ignore this, as it is mostly for me. It strikes me just how much of a nerd I am when I look at all these together. The books I've read so far in 2010, in no particular order:


I Drink for a Reason - David Cross
Some Things That Meant The World to Me - Joshua Mohr
I Was Told There Would Be Cake - Sloan Crosley
The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo - Stieg Larsson
The Girl Who Played with Fire - Stieg Larsson
The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet's Nest - Stieg Larsson
The Stranger - Max Frei
Dead And Gone - Charlene Harris
My Booky Wooky - Russell Brand
Wishful Drinking - Carrie Fisher
Chocolate, Please - Lisa Lampinelli
For A Few Demons More - Kim Harrison
The Outlaw Demon Wails - Kim Harrison
White Witch, Black Curse - Kim Harrison
Black Magic Sanction - Kim Harrison
The Coffin Dancer - Jeffrey Deaver
I Love You More Than You Know - Jonathan Ames
Angels of the Deep - Kirby Crow
Scarlet & The White Wolf - Kirby Crow
Mariner's Luck - Kirby Crow
Land of Night - Kirby Crow
The Hours Between - Sebastian Stuart
Warrior's Cross - Madeleine Urban & Abigail Roux
Wicked Gentleman - Ginn Hale
Turnskin - Nicole Kimberling
Mental - Eddie Safarty
31 volumes of Bleach
3 volumes Naruto
several collections of various x-men trade paperbacks
Wizard's First Rule - Terry Goodkind
Stone of Tears - Terry Goodkind
Blood of the Fold - Terry Goodkind
Temple of the Winds - Terry Goodkind
Soul of the Fire - Terry Goodkind
Faith of the Fallen - Terry Goodkind
The Pillars of Creation - Terry Goodkind
Naked Empire - Terry Goodkind
Chainfire - Terry Goodkind
Phantom - Terry Goodkind
Confessor - Terry Goodkind
Stardust - Neil Gaiman
Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang - Chelsea Handler
Disco Blood Bath - James St. James
Freak Show - James St. James
Faithful Place - Tana French
The Black Prism - Brent Weeks
The Way of Shadows - Brent Weeks
Shadow's Edge - Brent Weeks
Beyond the Shadows - Brent Weeks
Mistborn - Brandon Sanderson
The Well of Ascension - Brandon Sanderson
The Hero of Ages - Brandon Sanderson
The Warded Man - Peter V. Brett
Desert Spear - Peter V. Brett
Orange Is the New Black - Piper Kerman

Currently reading:
Sickened - Julie Gregory

Upcoming:
Kraken - China Mieville
Blood Meridian - Cormac McCarthy

Mean Disney Girls

I love it. I pretty much quote this movie on a daily basis, so any funny interpretations of it are welcome.

The Police Sketch Artist Game



My new friend Judy taught me this game. She said she and a friend used to look up guys on the Illinois registered sex offender website. One person--the victim--would choose a guy, and only she would be able to see him. She would lie in bed pretending to be the sole surviving victim of this horrible man. She would then relate his information and what he looked like to the other person--the police sketch artist. How fun!

A Lovely Little Jaunt



I spent the weekend in Chicago visiting my dear kindred spirit Blanche. We went to high school together, but I didn't know her very well then. We started reconnecting this year, and I am so so grateful for it. She is a peach and a half and makes the world a brighter place. I took the train up, and you know how well that went. I stayed with her and her husband, and met Judy and Jim: also peaches.

We kikied for hours, and Blanche made us homemade pasta. A regular Martha Stewart, that one. She puts Ina Garten to shame. Bitch keeps a TIGHT household.

We headed to a club to see the wonderful Pandora Boxx perform. She was supposed to go on at 12, but there we were, milling around the place, waiting for what seemed like an eternity. Drag performers are notorious for their tardiness, so we thought nothing of it and busied ourselves with the goings on around us. Ooooh there was some shit. As expected, there was a plethora of shitty faggots. A few of them cute. Not many great looks, but oh well. It may have been cool outside, but it was HOT in there. One gay really committed to his whatever looks in the cardigan and beanie. I hope he had a heat stroke. There were SO many girls too. I'm not used to that at a gay club. And tons of lesbians too. As evidenced here:



I was a little shy about taking pictures, but then I thought, what the fuck? I don't know these bitches and probably won't see them ever again. Also seen: the trashiest skank ever. She had ratty Britney hair, raccoon eye makeup, a ruffle denim micro-skirt, and some kind of Ugg BOOTS WITH THE FUR. I didn't get a good picture of her unfortunately.

There were two go-go boys, which was a new experience for me. One was really muscled and meh in the face. The other was adorable and had a sexy scar on his midsection. He was still a shitty, shitty faggot. Look, even at my sexiest and lowest-self-esteemiest, I would never have danced on the bar in my underwear for money--and I've done some crazy shit in my twenty. . . one years. What really killed me was his Santa's little helper look. His red underwear was attached to red suspenders. The pièce de damn résistance that brought it all together was the mark of a crummy faggot: FLIP-FLOPS. Yes, boy was shaking his ass on the bar for dollars in flip-flops. I didn't want to be attracted to him, and at first I was determined. He won me over though. That mop of hair gave him a boyish cuteness, and he really did have a nice ass. We decided, however, that he was stuffing his underwear. Oh well. I still wanted to hate fuck him:



We witnessed a great scene through the window. There was a party trolley filled with all kinds of wasted people dancing and carrying on. There was one kid who had obviously started the party early, and he was swaying in his seat, chugging water from a giant jug. Luckily the traffic light was long enough for us all to observe. Some drunk buddy talked to him for a moment, and the kid drank more water, swaying the whole time. He gagged and fought the urge to vomit. This continued for what felt like a long time, but must have been only 45 seconds. It was a game, and I was really hoping he would puke before the trolley took off. He heaved more and more, and finally he threw up! All of us watching in the club cheered and laughed as the kid spewed onto the street. Fantastically hilarious.

None of us had ever been to that particular venue before, so we didn't know there was also a giant basement, which was apparently where the performance was. By the time we wised up, we had missed the first set. Oh well, we saw enough to gag us. The opener, Jade (also from RuPaul's Drag Race) was great. She did a ballet number while lipsynching, and she was really on point. And en pointe. Pandora was her usually goofy self, and she delivered. She performed to what is becoming her signature song: