Tuesday, March 10, 2009

More Memories

For some reason, Celeste brought old school memories back. I used to make fun of my teachers, as many children did. I was a little different in that I used my drawing skillz as a weapon against the teachers and a tool to get the other kids to like me. One instance comes to mind. For some reason, I hated a certain English teacher in middle school. I actually ended up liking her, but I guess to seem cool I constantly wrote notes and drew pictures about her. I only got caught once, but it was pretty bad. I had drawn a picture of her as a stripper. It only just occurred to me that I knew what strippers were at 12 years of age. Thanks for never censoring my television and movie viewing, Mom and Dad. So I drew my large teacher with titties down to her knees and a leg wrapped around a pole on stage. Not only had she pissed all down her leg, but the poor broad had had her period on the pole and floor. Ho was a mess. It was all in pencil except for the blood and piss of course. It was titled "Ms. ****** Sucks Shit." We were having a good church laugh about it in her class, when my friend Denise betrayed me and tattled! I thought we were boys! I crumpled the sheet and momentarily considered eating it, but it was just too big. Teacher took me to the hallway, and I remember almost pissing myself. My parents were called, blah blah blah. Whatever, you know what she should have done? Fostered my interest in art! She irresponsibly punished me, forcing my 12-year-old self to equate drawing with negative consequences because I didn't know any better. Thanks, bitch, I could have been drawing smutty cartoons in porn magazines all this time.

I Almost Forgot!

I've finally remembered the name of my one time lady friend:
Celeste.

Ahhh, isn't that a classy false name? Here's a short conversation Rex and I had a few months after the incident:

Rex: She was kind of old wasn't she?
Me: Affirmative.
Rex: And she wasn't that pretty, was she?
Me: No. No she was not.

Just The Two of Us



I ordered lots of my favorite underwear online last week, and it has arrived. I once accidentally bought XS, and the results were like a scene in a Judd Apatow movie. Medium feels too loose on the waistband, but small is just right. Almost. The problem is they need to be broken in a little. Here's the issue: the first few times I wear them, the crotch doesn't quite contain my balls. So until they stretch properly, I show sidesac. Or as my old teammates use to say, "hairy gum." It happens a lot with tight little speedos. As you might have learned from life experience or the movie Waiting, guys love tricking other dudes into looking at their genitals. Is it supposed to be some kind of punishment? Like you're gay if you notice it? I'd see it and respond with "lookin' good." I just went to get a glass of water, and guess what? SIDESAC. It happens. There's a bumper sticker for you. I've drawn a diagram to help you properly picture it. I did take a picture of the real thing just now, but even I have my limits.



Here's a story about my testicles. I couple summers ago I went to the beach with a few friends, and I wore a suit that kind of looked like short boxer briefs made of Lycra. Those fuckers, like Amy Winehouse, could not handle the junk. It seemed like ballsac was showing at all times. To make light of the situation, I posed for a lovely cellphone picture. I sat cross-legged and completely pulled a nut out of each side of the suit. This was some Chinese ball contortion. I snapped a crotch shot and sent it to all my friends. I chose ocean noises with seagulls and captioned it "just the two of us."