Monday, March 30, 2009

Stale Pop Culture Reference, Anyone?

I found an old note to myself about a post I wanted to do but forgot. Here it is in all its dated glory!



Kelly Clarkson recently performed on Saturday Night Live. Is it just me, or does she look like she really needs a couple days in the Juicing Room? No, not the OJ Simpson Juicing Room. That would drain her fa sho, but it would be cutting off the nipple to spite the titty.

Homeless People, We Have Fun



Once upon a time I traveled with friend I grew up with to visit her sister in Oakland. By this point I had routine experiences with homeless people. At first I felt sympathy and always gave them change, then I disdained them as an annoyance, and then I stopped acknowledging them altogether. Then I visited an Oakland Walgreens at 2:00 a.m. after a night of partying with friends. It was there that it was impossible to ignore them. Two homeless men were asking for spare change outside the store. My friend Ashlee and I stayed outside while her sister shopped. One hobo was a thick black man, and the other was a skinny white guy. Both wore camouflage fatigues. They said they were war veterans. Maybe they were, or maybe it was a ploy to garner sympathy. The white guy said he would give us karate lessons for change, so I figured a funny story was worth 75 cents. He played around with some sad kicks and punches for a minute or two while we chuckled. Then the black guy stepped in. He said the key was to fight dirty. He told me always to "go for the nuts" in a brawl. "Okay," I thought, "it makes sense." Then he said he had a special move to teach me. He proceeded to mime the movements with me as the attacker. It started with a dick punch and ended with his hand around my throat. He didn't squeeze very hard, but he did let me know in a whisper "[I] could snap your neck like a chicken." I laughed, thanked him, and went on my way, never acknowledging just how close to death I might have been.


It's the opposite of my situation.

Shoot for the. . . Low-Level Clouds?







Are you unhappy with the mediocre state of your celebrity status? Do you want less? Are you looking to fade into obscurity? Fret no more! It seems the simple act of wearing a headband across your forehead is enough of a charm to jinx your career. Ugh, movie premieres are such a hassle, right? And even promoting a straight-to-DVD movie is a bitch. When you join the slow-paced world of foreheadbands, you'll be surviving on the occasional dive bar appearance and rare made-for-TV movie jobs you get based on years-old accomplishments.





Act now, and in no time at all you'll be free to focus on what's really important to you. You know, pushing third rate fashion merchandise, centering your world on a significant other who will quickly be more famous than you, mooching off said person, abusing all sorts of substances, and tipping off paparazzi for photo opportunities. Do it, you won't do it. DO IT, FAGGOT.