Friday, February 25, 2011

THE BEST

This is my favorite YouTube video of all time.  It inspired my freshman year Asian friends and I to hit up Korean karaoke in Redwood City.

Cum Sail Away

I like this in an unironic manner.  Seriously.  It's pretty, and I appreciate the effort they put into it.  You may make fun of them, and so will some assholes who discover it when they hit college, but will you all have a hugely popular YouTube video?

Breathtakingly Stunning

I feel like if I were able to see these things in person my mind would explode like Cate Blanchett in that shitty Indiana Jones movie.

The best 30 pictures of 2010 from the Hubble, Chandra, and Spitzer telescopes:
http://bit.ly/h0W0SP

Monday, February 21, 2011

YES

This my jam!

Tranny Quote

they DID find a mummified corpse in her posession after her death. . .

"Ru Paul's Drag Race" tonight reminded me of my favorite tranny quote. By the legendary Dorian Corey in the equally legendary Paris Is Burning:

Everybody wants to make an impression, some mark upon the world. Then you think, you've made a mark on the world if you just get through it, and a few people remember your name. Then you've left a mark. You don't have to bend the whole world. I think it's better to just enjoy it. Pay your dues, and just enjoy it. If you shoot an arrow and it goes real high, hooray for you.

Garfield Minus Garfield

It's really fun to imagine John as crazy, lonely man talking to imaginary pets: Garfield Minus Garfield

Men in Heels

I find this terrible, hilarious, fantastic, and erotic.

Pickle Surprise



Okay, so I got home and decided to snack on some pickles.  I love pickles.  Like Snooki once said, "pickles is my thing."  So I put 5 in a bowl and added some of the brine from the jar.  Because I like to take a bite, sip a little brine.  Sounds great?  Yes.  So before I even finished the 4th, my tummy was gurgling.  And then it happened.  I sharted myself.  I've been running to the bathroom for an hour now as if I used 10 enemas.  As I was shitting for the first round, it hit me.  I just drank a bunch of salt water.  That's what you do to start most cleanses.  It forces your body to dilute it by drawing water out of your system.  Want to know the fucked up thing?  I FINISHED THE LAST PICKLE.  I figured it's already started, so I might as well.  Thus: impromptu accidental pickle cleanse.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Dexter Dumbed Down

I have @SierraTrevino to thank for this video discovery.  It is especially appropriate because I've been reading the Dexter books.  I'm on the most recent one, Dexter is Delicious.  They have all been really entertaining, but the third one was ROUGH.  It got rather supernatural, which I disapproved of.  I'd rather Dexter be a mentally unstable killer with his own logic than a man possessed by a demon or some shit.  It's okay though, the author gets back to super creepiness in the following book; and all is well in the world again.  The Showtime program is excellent, and if you aren't squeamish, check it out.  Julia Stiles had a run on the most recent season, and she really impressed me.  Firstly, I was surprised she was still around.  I haven't seen her in anything for years.  I was concerned she would stink up the show, but she's good at crying and being an emotional cunt, so she excelled.  Anyway, here is Dexter in 60 seconds:

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Textual Intercourse


Brady: ug
Brady: Olive is licking pussy adjacent
me: what, her asshole?
Brady: no
Brady: just
Brady: her flank
Brady: I dunno
me: lol
me: dogs tend to do that
me: a lot
Brady: now she's licking her foot
me: better than licking foot then sniz, that would be just plain unsanitary. like wiping back to front
Brady: yes but now every step she takes is leaving a little pussy behind
me: gives a new meaning to pussyfooting around

THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND, SANJAY

It has come to my attention that little Chinese tranny boys are immensely entertaining:


Is That What I Think It Is?

No, I was not just on the receiving end of bukkake.  This is what the DIY pore shit looks like as a full face mask.  One tablespoon of gelatin, one tablespoon of milk: mix, microwave for 10 seconds or heat on LOW on the stove for a few seconds.  Test it on the back of your hand or the underside of your wrist to make sure it isn't too hot for you.  Let's not scald ourselves, ladies.  Afterward, wash with warm water and follow up with a moisturizer.  Oh, and don't mind the mustache: it's for MONSTER TRUCK REALNESS tonight.

DIY Beauty

flavored milk allegedly solves the odor problem
Remember pore strips?  Those are fun.  But they really are kind of pricey.  Well, fret not, dear gays, I will share a cheap method of creating your own pore cleansing mask.  I discovered this a while ago, but I only just now tried it.  It is super simple.  The only ingredients you need are milk and unflavored gelatin.  Mix equal parts of each in a cup (one teaspoon per ingredient is more than enough for a forehead and big Jew nose like mine), give it a quick stir, and microwave the mixture for ten seconds.  Brush the compound liberally on whatever surface of your face you want to remove pore buildup from.  Allow it to dry for approximately ten minutes or until you can feel it harden.  Peel it.  Marvel at the shit that used to be on your face.  Voila.  Let me warn you. . . after you microwave it, the shit will smell like funky cheese.  But it's so fun!  I did my forehead and nose, with great results.  I think I might do another round before I go to bed.  Enjoy!

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Challenge Accepted

My friends and I are attending the Monster Truck Nationals this weekend.  It started as a joke for Beyonce's birthday, but I guess we're going.  If you are one of four or five people who actually read the shit I post here, then you know I accepted my own challenge to wear makeup to the event.  Brady was giving me shit for wearing JUST A TOUCH of mascara to Amanda's birthday outing.  He didn't even notice; it was she who spooked me.  Anyway, I don't know what to wear.  I don't have flannel or overalls, so I'll have to go in the other direction with skinny jeans and a tight top.  And then it occurred to me: the pi├Ęce de r├ęsistance. . . a muthafuckin' mustache.  Luckily, I happen to have enough facial hair right now to pull it off.  It's going to be a look; and trust, I will get pictures.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Textual Intercourse

Brady:  should I do something with my hair for Saturday like spike it?  Are you doing anything?  It might be too long to spike
me: you can't spike yours
me: too long
Brady: yeah they would be huge spikes like that guy on snizlias [how we refer to the tv program Alias]
me: i might throw some gel in mine
me: i like my haircut. she did a good job
me: plus she hardly spoke, which i loved
Brady: you can't wear makeup to a monster truck rally.... well I guess you can but it might not be the smartest move
me: i haven't worn anything in a long time
me: i only can when i'm clean shaven.  and i've only done that like once in the past 2 months
Brady: I just meant coz you wore it to amanda's
me: challenge accepted
Brady: Do what you want I'm just saying if truckers start shit there will be a puff of smoke that vaguely resembles my outline where I was standing
me: i expect nothing less
Brady: unless you friend test me
Brady: but you'd have to be quick
me: there would be a brady-shaped hole in the assembly hall wall before i even turned to look at you
 i wouldn't expect or ask you to fight for me
Brady: I'll leave that to beyonce
me: i never want to get in a real fight because i am fucking scrappy
me: i will go for the throat and groin
Brady: Or Amanda.  Drunk amanda will throw down I think
me: and i wouldn't stop unless i were physically removed
me: yeah she would
Brady: ha
me: drunk amanda is a ride or die bitch
Brady: well we can liquor her up
me: lol
me: like gummi berry juice

Textual Intercourse

for some reason this came up in a search for "nude on couch"

We got off early from work today due to the weather. My friend Blanche knew just what I would do. . .


Blanche: at least you're home at 2:30 on a Tuesday. Take off your panties and relax, gurl

me: i'm sitting naked on my couch!

me: i took my tuck out and errything

Blanche: of course you are dear